what is a mature response?

[Guest]

4 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

Snip

 

4 hours ago, Ashley said:

 

 

If you guys/girls are sluts, that’s fine. OP is clearly distraught by that behaviour. Idc what you think should/should not be allowed. It doesn’t mean people won’t like it. 

 

Some people like a good slut. More sex for more people, I get that.

 

i think you’re pulling concepts that are trying to make me feel bad about what I want out of a relationship. OP’s choice of words & tone reads to me that he wants the same. 

 

You do your relationships. My girlfriend wants what I want; I didn’t force her to do anything. It’s about respecting the other person enough to control yourself, & not give into every whim. 

[Arika]

2 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

Yes i have mentioned this guy before as a worry a couple of times. 

 

Well she said she felt horrible for doing it. At the time I was doing homework in my office area. Then she came in and wanted to have sex with me. The following morning she is checking my phone, for whatever reason. Then she told me she accidently sent the picture. Later on during dinner that sameday she tells me the truth. Her and this guy went to college together. 

well those are some inconsistencies. At first i thought she knew she had done wrong and came forward, which she did, but 

 

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she felt horrible for doing it

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Then she told me she accidentally sent the picture

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Later on during dinner that same day she tells me the truth

So she lied about it

 

and 

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The following morning she is checking my phone, for whatever reason

this almost seems like she was trying to find something to use against you to try to deflect her own guilt. That by itself is a huge breach of trust.

 

 

Ultimately you know her better than any of us, but i would say to sit down with her, lay everything out that you know, your concerns, and see what she says. If she's willing to talk about it and genuinely feels sorry and continue with the relationship, it will become apparent very quick.

If she becomes overly defensive or aggressive, then i believe that is a clear sign of guilt that she doesn't want to admit and will be something both of you will need to decide where to take things from there.

 

You've been together for 3 years, to break things off without knowing all the details is not fair to either of you.

[SansVarnic]

Quote

what is a mature response?

This is pretty cut and dry. Sit down and have a civil discussion, ask what the intentions are and allow her to explain them. Do not give limitations but explain your expectations. If the conversation is not satisfactory let her know. I assume you are in your early to mid 20's so adult about it. Make sure to understand that privacy is allowed, but there needs to be certain level of levity involved. I dont know everything my wife does or talks about but we have an understanding that we share most of what is going on even if it is only the gist or overview of things.

One thing not to do is overreact, stay calm and collected throughout the encounter even if you feel yourself becoming upset or disgruntled.

 

8 hours ago, Ashley said:

also it's not the 1920's anymore. times change. 

This view is still not a common thing. Most relationships (no matter which way you swing or believe) require partners to have a certain amount of trust and decency to them. This an excuse to involve undesired factors to relationship and the justify them. You are one a few that are ok with it from a larger perspective.

[Mutoh]

I bet OP regrets asking a tech forum for relationahip advice in retrospect.

[PurplDrank]

42 minutes ago, Mutoh said:

I bet OP regrets asking a tech forum for relationahip advice in retrospect.

There is a reason your a bronze contributor and not a gold contributor. 

[TetraSky]

6 minutes ago, PurplDrank said:

There is a reason your a bronze contributor and not a gold contributor. 

Because they can't afford it? Not sure what you're going on about here.

 

In any case, just talk to her as was said many times and maybe ask on r/relationship_advice if you want more opinions on this outside of a tech forum.

[Ashleyyyy]

4 hours ago, fpo said:

If you guys/girls are sluts, that’s fine.

thanks for that lol

it is kinda true, but i'm not in a relationship so it's fine

 

4 hours ago, fpo said:

You do your relationships. My girlfriend wants what I want; I didn’t force her to do anything. It’s about respecting the other person enough to control yourself, & not give into every whim. 

the problem here is that you are saying that if a girl sends a selfie of an outfit to someone she's immediately a whore, which isn't true. i wouldn't have bothered arguing with you if you didn't do that. 

[Ashleyyyy]

4 hours ago, SansVarnic said:

This view is still not a common thing. Most relationships (no matter which way you swing or believe) require partners to have a certain amount of trust and decency to them. This an excuse to involve undesired factors to relationship and the justify them. You are one a few that are ok with it from a larger perspective.

fine but if OP didn't want his GF to send pictures of her outfits to her friends he should have made that clear. 

[straight_stewie]

48 minutes ago, Ashley said:

the problem here is that you are saying that if a girl sends a selfie of an outfit to someone she's immediately a whore, which isn't true.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that "whore" has a definite meaning which does not include even the most extreme interpretation of her actions.

 

Whore, noun:

• A person who engages in sexual activity for payment.

I'll grant @fpo that in modern times that might be extended to include selling intimate images of oneself, but the key part here is an exchange of money, which was alleged nowhere.

 

Exchanging images (of any type) to someone with whom a person has history for purely emotional reasons is markedly different than selling nudes or sexual favors to randos for money.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Ashley said:

thanks for that lol

it is kinda true, but i'm not in a relationship so it's fine

That explains what you see is right/wrong, but it irrelevant as morality isn't what's being discussed. As I said, some people enjoy a good slut or whatever the correct word I'm looking for it... "Free spirited" is the PC term for it?

1 hour ago, Ashley said:

the problem here is that you are saying that if a girl sends a selfie of an outfit to someone she's immediately a whore, which isn't true. i wouldn't have bothered arguing with you if you didn't do that. 

I didn't say that sending any selfie is bad. The context around the selfies being shared and to whom they're being shared are red flags. Her behavior when being called out on it doesn't maker her appear any more innocent.

 

41 minutes ago, straight_stewie said:

And that's not even mentioning the fact that "whore" has a definite meaning which does not include even the most extreme interpretation of her actions.

I am using the word whore incorrectly. I'm using it demeaningly as an insult to one that cheats or has multiple sexual partners when at least 1 partner is expecting the sexual activity to be mutually exclusive. IE closed relationship. I don't really know the correct word, but based on the cultural re-definition, many use it incorrectly meaning the same definition I am intending.

We're not here to correct my knowledge of English, we're here to help OP find the best reaction to his situation.

 

30 minutes ago, valdyrgramr said:

You and OP are overreacting and being prudes because of old oppressive mindsets. 

The social norm is that you only become intimate with your boy/girlfriend in a relationship unless it was discussed that an open relationship would be agreeable by both parties.
It's not oppression, it's self control & love, not teenage eroticism.

30 minutes ago, valdyrgramr said:

Yes, I get that.   But, maybe she doesn't want to be with someone so insecure and oppressive. 

I wouldn't characterise OP as insecure. I believe OP cares deeply for his significant other & has strong feelings. His expectation when being there for her is that she isn't being intimate with others.

30 minutes ago, valdyrgramr said:

I wouldn't blame her if she left either.   She didn't even send nudes, and both of you are slut shaming her over a sending a pic with her top on.  e.e

It's a strong red flag that she's tempted & could have potentially done more. The old saying is "When there's one there's a hundred."

Her loyalty shouldn't have any temptation of others and nor should his. It would be weird for OP to send pictures of himself in a wife beater to girls & I wouldn't expect his significant other to take it any other way.

 

From my talking to girls, if they have a body, & they like someone, they show it to them. They'll play dumb, but we all know what she's showing off-otherwise she would have covered it, changed into less revealing clothing, or made it not obvious what shirt she was wearing.
Make slut shaming a negative phrase, but no girl has ever said "I like wearing skimpy clothes & hate when the boy I like checks me out."

 

No girl has ever gone to the bar in a thick sweater & expected to be hit on.

[straight_stewie]

20 minutes ago, fpo said:

We're not here to correct my knowledge of English, we're here to help OP find the best reaction to his situation.

Repeatedly calling his girlfriend a whore probably isn't doing much towards that end...

[TetraSky]

1 hour ago, valdyrgramr said:

 She didn't even send nudes,

That we do not know. She admitted to sending stuff. But OP has never seen the pictures or texts, because she deleted them. Trust issues abound. (hard to trust someone who goes as far as deleting evidences)

For all we know, the "tanktop" picture could've a been her, wearing a tanktop and exposing her chest. And the other dude's picture of his shorts, could've just been a dick pic. Because it is "technically" not a lie if she says it that way while omitting the other parts.

16 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

She sends him a picture of her tanktop (nothing revealing..at least that is what she says), and then he sends her a picture of his shorts. Apparently there was also some flirting. Now I cannot see this pictures or the recent flirty texts because she deleted them and just told me today.

It's all conjecture really, there's have no proof that she's lying, nor have any proof that she's being truthful. All OP has, is her words and the fact that she deleted the things that could've made the whole thing a clear-cut issue.

 

They need to talk it out and it's pointless of us arguing about this on here.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, valdyrgramr said:

If she flips out over him asking for some respect because of what he wants out of a relationship then clearly they don't see eye to eye on a relationship, and it's probably best for one of them to walk. 

Please read the Original Posts thoroughly before commenting.

[Ashleyyyy]

51 minutes ago, fpo said:

That explains what you see is right/wrong

why does that matter? if i was in a relationship i would obviously do things differently lol, but i would still post outfits and stuff in chats. 

 

52 minutes ago, fpo said:

The social norm is that you only become intimate with your boy/girlfriend in a relationship unless it was discussed that an open relationship would be agreeable by both parties.
It's not oppression, it's self control & love, not teenage eroticism.

you realize posting a selfie with your clothes on is not an intimate action with thew person you are sending the picture to right?

 

53 minutes ago, fpo said:

It's a strong red flag that she's tempted & could have potentially done more. The old saying is "When there's one there's a hundred."

umm not it's not. well it would be if you think it's the 1920's but you know, time moves on. 

[Teddy07]

I would give advice but I banned myself from it because I got fire from people in the past

[PurplDrank]

8 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

You and OP are overreacting and being prudes because of old oppressive mindsets.  Yes, I get that.   But, maybe she doesn't want to be with someone so insecure and oppressive.   I wouldn't blame her if she left either.   She didn't even send nudes, and both of you are slut shaming her over a sending a pic with her top on.  e.e

Firstly, I made it clear that I was okay with her and said guy friend being friends. Not sure how that is oppressive. I had my inital suspension s 2 or 3 years ago but those faded only to come back and now be confirmed. I gave her freedom to hangout with friends including men. Im not the taliban. It is not insecure of me to be upset about broken trust in a committed relationship. That is what a committed relationship is. 

[straight_stewie]

3 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

It is not insecure of me to be upset about broken trust in a committed relationship. That is what a committed relationship is. 

Hold on: We still haven't had confirmation that your trust was actually broken?

I know that the whole hiding things doesn't help, but there's still no actual evidence of serious wrongdoing, at least that you've told us. Have you managed to get what you feel is an honest explanation from her yet?

[PurplDrank]

12 hours ago, straight_stewie said:

Hold on: We still haven't had confirmation that your trust was actually broken?

I know that the whole hiding things doesn't help, but there's still no actual evidence of serious wrongdoing, at least that you've told us. Have you managed to get what you feel is an honest explanation from her yet?

Yes, we are working on it. 

[Void Master]

15 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

 If you don't trust her and want that type of Abrahamic influenced relationship then she may or may not be the one.

XDDDDDDDDDDDDD, chill. People get emotional and that's normal, i am sure what he said was fully due to emotions. You don't judge him or the relationship in such unstable state, most men feel jealous for their girlfriends to a certain point. His reaction is completely normal. 

24 minutes ago, PurplDrank said:

Yes, we are working on it. 

Talk it out calmly, and ask her. She shouldn't have a problem answering if it's not a big deal. however if she gets defensive, emotional and starts blaming you somehow. Then it's clear enough. But otherwise don't stress too much on her, be cool and everything will be good. People make mistakes, including your girlfriend. Be sure not to cause any harm to her of any sort (verbal or physical) otherwise you are giving her a reason to leave you. Be the more understanding and grownup person with more tolerance and believe me, even if she leaves you or stays with you will much feel better about your decision. No need to make a big deal about it, because if you turn this into full emotional drama and start a clash it's not her that you are harming, it's you. Good luck, stay safe and be chill.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

Yes, we are working on it. 

I have a new proposition:

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

[spartaman64]

20 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

Yes, and I explained why they do/where that mindset comes from.   But, the problem is it's also unfair for him to freak out over something out of her control regardless.   Just because something is seen as a norm/normal does not mean it's okay.

to me flirting with someone else is also cheating and actually worse to me than having sex with someone else. with sex you can maybe say she doesnt have feelings for the guy and just giving in to a bodily desire but you cant say that about flirting. and how is stuff she says and does out of her control?

[Void Master]

20 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

Yes, and I explained why they do/where that mindset comes from.   But, the problem is it's also unfair for him to freak out over something out of her control regardless.   Just because something is seen as a norm/normal does not mean it's okay.

Every person is the master of himself, but the problem is, we don't know if his GF wanted to do it or not. If she wanted to flirt with the guy then the OP's theory is valid, if he she was kinda forced into it somehow then she is innocent. But even if she wanted to flirt, people make mistakes. Maybe she felt lonely ? Maybe she didn't think it was that much of a big deal ? But then she felt guilty about her mistake and tried to hide it.  who knows. The problem is that we don't know the big picture. And thus, there is nothing we can do but pose theories. The only way to fix it is for the OP @PurplDrank is to talk it out. And remember what i said.

Spoiler

Talk it out calmly, and ask her. She shouldn't have a problem answering if it's not a big deal. however if she gets defensive, emotional and starts blaming you somehow. Then it's clear enough. But otherwise don't stress too much on her, be cool and everything will be good. People make mistakes, including your girlfriend. Be sure not to cause any harm to her of any sort (verbal or physical) otherwise you are giving her a reason to leave you. Be the more understanding and grownup person with more tolerance and believe me, even if she leaves you or stays with you will much feel better about your decision. No need to make a big deal about it, because if you turn this into full emotional drama and start a clash it's not her that you are harming, it's you. Good luck, stay safe and be chill.

 

[PurplDrank]

On 6/22/2020 at 11:46 AM, Void Master said:

Every person is the master of himself, but the problem is, we don't know if his GF wanted to do it or not. If she wanted to flirt with the guy then the OP's theory is valid, if he she was kinda forced into it somehow then she is innocent. But even if she wanted to flirt, people make mistakes. Maybe she felt lonely ? Maybe she didn't think it was that much of a big deal ? But then she felt guilty about her mistake and tried to hide it.  who knows. The problem is that we don't know the big picture. And thus, there is nothing we can do but pose theories. The only way to fix it is for the OP @PurplDrank is to talk it out. And remember what i said.

  Reveal hidden contents

Talk it out calmly, and ask her. She shouldn't have a problem answering if it's not a big deal. however if she gets defensive, emotional and starts blaming you somehow. Then it's clear enough. But otherwise don't stress too much on her, be cool and everything will be good. People make mistakes, including your girlfriend. Be sure not to cause any harm to her of any sort (verbal or physical) otherwise you are giving her a reason to leave you. Be the more understanding and grownup person with more tolerance and believe me, even if she leaves you or stays with you will much feel better about your decision. No need to make a big deal about it, because if you turn this into full emotional drama and start a clash it's not her that you are harming, it's you. Good luck, stay safe and be chill.

 

Nobody is forced into anything over text. Just saying. 

[Void Master]

20 minutes ago, PurplDrank said:

Nobody is forced into anything over text. Just saying. 

Unless there is something in her past forcing here to keep on talking with this guy. Try to investigate. Talk to her about it calmly. 

[PurplDrank]

1 minute ago, Void Master said:

Unless there is something in her past forcing here to keep on talking with this guy. Try to investigate. Talk to her about it calmly. 

there is nothing. Just a previous history before she met me.