what is a mature response?

[PurplDrank]

So my girlfriend of 3 years previously had a fling with a classmate from Physical Therapy Assistant college around 5 or 6 years ago. They also work at the same place, although I do not think the same shift. Anyways, I noticed that they are extremely close. I am talking paragraphs. The paragraphs were not sexual or flirtatous to my knowledge (there was alot texts). This guys is also in a relationship mind you and yesterday him and my girlfriend were flirting over text. She sends him a picture of her tanktop (nothing revealing..at least that is what she says), and then he sends her a picture of his shorts. Apparently there was also some flirting. Now I cannot see this pictures or the recent flirty texts because she deleted them and just told me today. I am angry and want to break shit. What is the most mature response to this? I am a fulltime student going through Nursing and do not have a job or anything to get my own place. Atleast at the moment.

[JZStudios]

Sir....

This is Wendy's.

[PurplDrank]

2 minutes ago, JZStudios said:

Sir....

This is Wendy's.

What would wendy's order? A cup of that break up?

 

[WereCatf]

10 minutes ago, PurplDrank said:

because she deleted them

That means she knew what she was doing was going to offend you and did it anyway. If she didn't know or didn't think it was offensive, she wouldn't have deleted them, either. Personally, I wouldn't put up with someone who doesn't respect me/our relationship enough to not overstep boundaries they are fully well aware of on purpose -- accidents are one thing, deliberate actions are an entirely different thing.

 

That said, I am not going to recommend any "response" to this. Only you know what's good for you.

[PurplDrank]

2 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

That means she knew what she was doing was going to offend you and did it anyway. If she didn't know or didn't think it was offensive, she wouldn't have deleted them, either. Personally, I wouldn't put up with someone who doesn't respect me/our relationship enough to not overstep boundaries they are fully well aware of on purpose -- accidents are one thing, deliberate actions are an entirely different thing.

 

That said, I am not going to recommend any "response" to this. Only you know what's good for you.

Undertstandable. So if this were you then you wouldn't put up with it and you would get the fuck out?

[Kisai]

25 minutes ago, PurplDrank said:

Now I cannot see this pictures or the recent flirty texts because she deleted them and just told me today. I am angry and want to break shit. What is the most mature response to this?

This is probably not the right forum/site to ask this question because you'll likely just get sarcastic troll answers. reddit AITA probably is where this should go.

 

A mature person will not get violent. Period. All that does is put fear into the other person. If your GF doesn't want to make it work with you, you offer her the option to leave on her own terms. If you still love her, then you can get past this and just ask her to be honest. Being lied to means there's no trust.

[WereCatf]

1 minute ago, PurplDrank said:

So if this were you then you wouldn't put up with it and you would get the fuck out?

I am not the right person to ask for relationship-advice. I have Asperger's Syndrome and the way I see and feel things tends to be very different from neurotypical people and, as such, what's good for me is often not what's good for others. I merely wanted to voice my observation, ie. the lack of respect for the relationship and mutual boundaries on her part.

 

I know this is a frustrating reply and I apologize for that.

[Andreas Lilja]

I'd ask her if she wants to pursue the relationship or not, and tell her that these pictures make you uncomfortable. 

 

I think it's pretty much impossible for a man-woman relationship to be non-flirty at times.

[Eschew]

Hey there. Gonna share some words I learned from an acquaintance:

Quote

Don't make decisions when you're angry, and don't make promises when you're happy.

I'm assuming this was a recent discovery for you. How I usually cope with unexpectedly bad news or news that angers me is I give it a few days' worth of thinking -- time enough to calm down and to come to a reasonable and ethical decision/compromise.

 

I'm not sure how storied your relationship is with your girlfriend, and I can't make any reasonable assumptions of her character without having met her before. Sleep on it for a few nights. Mull it over during a hot shower or a warm bath. And definitely, definitely take a break from stressing out about it every now and then (distract yourself with some work or gaming, for instance). If you believe she's worth being patient and understanding with, I think you'll come to that conclusion yourself.

 

If you and your girlfriend share a group of mutual friends, or if you've introduced her to your parents before, I'd also suggest asking them for their opinions about your 3-year long relationship.

[Guest]

You’re mad cuz she prolly is fooling around. 

 

Take it in your mind that she’s probably already gone to make it easier on yourself. 

 

Spoiler

If it was me I’d have broken up with her already. 

 

Girls don't send selfies of themselves. 

 

Take all of your belongings back & assure you have what belongs to you acting as if nothing is wrong. Then cut her off once you’re sure. Immediately and without explanation. She knows what she did. You know what she did. There’s nothing else to say. She won’t talk about it. What can she do? Apologise? If you want to accept her being sorry for being caught, that’s up to you. 

 

[Mutoh]

If the situation was reversed, would you assume your SO would be mad? 

 

 

Seems like she sees your relationship a lot differently than you do if youre blindsided by this. Personally when trust is broken, there isnt a way to fix it and I wouldnt put it past the person to do it again.

 

 

Up to you if youre willing to put up with that.

[Ashley MLP Fangirl]

11 minutes ago, fpo said:

Girls don't send selfies of themselves.  

how so? i've sent plenty of selies to friends when i got my hair dyed or got a new piece of clothing... now granted i'm not in a relationship and i'm a trans girl so....  but if i was in a relationship then i still would send selfies to friends. 

 

1 hour ago, PurplDrank said:

him and my girlfriend were flirting over text. She sends him a picture of her tanktop (nothing revealing..at least that is what she says), and then he sends her a picture of his shorts. 

that could be completely innocent on your girlfriends part. maybe she just got that top and wanted to show it to him, and maybe he thought it had a different meaning or whatever? maybe she cursed him for sending her a picture of his shorts and got mad over that.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Ashley said:

how so? i've sent plenty of selies to friends when i got my hair dyed or got a new piece of clothing... now granted i'm not in a relationship and i'm a trans girl so....  but if i was in a relationship then i still would send selfies to friends. 

Most cis girls (traditional girl) are generally more reserved. If you’re a boy & they aren’t interested in dating you, there’s no reason for them to send you a selfie. 

 

Anytime a girl has sent me a selfie in any semi-revealing clothes, they were intent on me seeing their body. 

 

Any girl thats ever been in a relationship is very skeptical of even talking to boys to begin with. 

 

I’m no psychologist. I’m talking cis girls. Unless she’s a whore, girls are very reserved and loyal in relationships. 

[Ashley MLP Fangirl]

1 minute ago, fpo said:

Most cis girls (traditional girl) are generally more reserved. If you’re a boy & they aren’t interested in dating you, there’s no reason for them to send you a selfie. 

i still fail to see this. i know cis girls in relationships and they still send selfies in our group text about some things. 

 

2 minutes ago, fpo said:

I’m no psychologist. I’m talking cis girls. Unless she’s a whore, girls are very reserved and loyal in relationships. 

define whore? also it's not the 1920's anymore. times change. 

[TetraSky]

I'm of the same mindset as @WereCatf. She clearly knows what she was doing was wrong for having deleted those messages to prevent you from checking them.

She's playing behind your back and now that you're finding out, she's getting defensive about it, even though she's clearly in the wrong.

 

That other dude being in a relationship doesn't change anything, they can still cheat on both you and his partner. This sort of behavior where you hide stuff by deleting them, is pretty much a major red flag that she's likely cheating.

 

I'd suggest sitting down with her and having a talk about where this relationship is going, since she clearly doesn't seems to have the same idea as you about what a relationship is. Don't hesitate to put a stop to the relationship entirely, but do NOT bring it up from the get go. In fact, don't bring it up at all, unless she 100% refuse to listen to you. Do NOT use that as a sort of threat hanging over her head, because it will have the opposite effect.

All this, in a non-confrontational way. Do NOT raise your voice. Do NOT start breaking shit. Do NOT hit/bang the table, a wall or anything(her included). Do NOT force her to sit down. Do NOT force her to listen to you. Do NOT let her derail things and change the subject to something else (like taking things to the bedroom instead). Because the moment you violate any of these, you're basically giving HER the excuse she needs to justify her actions.

If she entirely refuse to talk about it... If she's incapable of siting down and listening to you when you're keeping your calm about this. If she just doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong when you're explaining your side of things and how you feel about what she's doing, how it's perceived and all, then you'll have your answer as to whether or not you should break up with her. But at this point, from what you've said. She's obviously doing more than just "flirting" and sending pics if she goes as far as deleting messages.

She will likely give you a bunch of excuses. She'll say nothing ever happened. They are just friends.
.... Yet it's still a fact she deleted those messages. Why? Because she felt guilty and knew it would look bad.

[TempestCatto]

I went through something similar. I was engaged and I blindly thought all was well. However, she (unknown to me) had been seeing someone behind my back. I found out by merely looking over her shoulder while she was texting him one day. I confronted her about it, and she assured me nothing was going on, and that she was just trying to help the new kid adjust to a new school. Needless to say she ended it, kept the ring, I attempted my life, and they're now engaged. But I can tell you from experience, life will go down hill for awhile from here, but trust me, it's just the momentum you need to go up hill and actually make it to the top.

 

They know what they're doing. I would save yourself the trouble and leave her. Be upfront and tell her why, tell her how this whole thing makes you feel. Do NOT take excuses like "oh, I can be better. We won't text like that." Because she will be outright lying through her teeth. As you've said, they have a bond. They are likely in love, and have been since that fling. It's better to end it now, rather than wait.

 

Because if you wait, you will be grasping onto a shred of hope as you fall down an endless abyss. Your grip on that shred of hope will become much tighter, and therefore much more difficult to let go of. When you finally hit the ground, you will hit hard. The shred of hope will shatter and you will finally understand that there was never anything on the other end of that shred. You were hanging onto nothing this whole time, thinking and hoping it would stop your fall and save you. Your hand is bloody and cold. A hole takes place of where your heart used to reside. What happens now? Well you need to move past this. To do that, you will have to walk through the sharp and jagged shards of that now broken shred. It will hurt, but you press on. You just walk, and walk. The darkness, never changing. After what seems like years of walking, you trip. You notice the ground starts to step up in grade. It's a bit hard at first, but you step up, and up but you don't grow weary or weak. Finally you start to see a glimmer of light in the far off distance. You then realize, you're happy where you are. But don't stop, don't settle, keep going. After what seems like more years of trudging on upward, you actually climb back out of the abyss. It's been nearly a decade since you've seen sunlight, and that's when you realize the place you used to be in, was never a good place at all. You look around at the people now in your life, that would never have been there otherwise. You realize that you are now actually on top of your world. A place you didn't even know you could reach. You finally understand that all the worries of your past, are NOT going to be present in your future. This whole paragraph here, is a basic illustration of my experience as a result of a scenario similar to yours. 

 

Again, my advice is to leave, but be nice. Act is if you were quitting a job place and be honest with her. Be upfront. I would use your angry energy at the gym to get them gains (but don't hurt yourself) rather than take anything out on her. Show her that YOU are the mature one by being calm, cool, and collected. Hopefully I've been helpful, sorry if I've just wasted your time. I wish you the best of luck.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Ashley said:

i still fail to see this. i know cis girls in relationships and they still send selfies in our group text about some things. 

Group texts != sending a selfie to one boy. 

2 hours ago, Ashley said:

define whore? also it's not the 1920's anymore. times change. 

Sleeps around. 

 

2 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

Just because a woman isn't a demisexual and following Abrahamic concept doesn't mean she's a slut,

If she’s in a relationship, the social custom is to behave as if you are demisexual whether or not you are. 

 

 

Shes either 100% loyal to OP, or she’s not. 

If OP is fine with less than perfect loyalty, that’s his choice. Doesn’t mean the girl isn’t a slut, whore, or whatever polite term you want to use for a skank. 

[JZStudios]

3 hours ago, Andreas Lilja said:

I'd ask her if she wants to pursue the relationship or not, and tell her that these pictures make you uncomfortable. 

 

I think it's pretty much impossible for a man-woman relationship to be non-flirty at times.

I disagree. I've known lots of women and not one of them were even remotely interested in me. I also wasn't interested in most of them.

But clearly there's a pre-existing relationship here.

[GDRRiley]

take it slow don't yell or hit anything.

tell her how you feel and why and what you would like to see changed but make it realistic.

I wouldn't mention your desire to breakup.

 

because I don't know you, her or the relationship I'm not going to get more specific

[Ashley MLP Fangirl]

29 minutes ago, fpo said:

Group texts != sending a selfie to one boy. 

so? they send things to me too sometimes like when they got a new outfit or whatever? 

 

29 minutes ago, fpo said:

Sleeps around. 

there is a big difference between cheating and sending a picture of an outfit you like to someone. 

 

29 minutes ago, fpo said:

If she’s in a relationship, the social custom is to behave as if you are demisexual whether or not you are. 

you realize people who are demi can still have open/polyamorous relationships? demi only means that you experience sexual attraction towards people you have a close connection with. if you are demi it's possible to experience sexual attraction towards multiple people if you are close with all of them.

 

29 minutes ago, fpo said:

Shes either 100% loyal to OP, or she’s not. 

If OP is fine with less than perfect loyalty, that’s his choice. Doesn’t mean the girl isn’t a slut, whore, or whatever polite term you want to use for a skank. 

i would consider cheating to be disloyal. if sending a selfie is not ok what's next? giving someone a hug isn't ok anymore because you have a relationship? again it's not the 1920's anymore, boomer. 

[straight_stewie]

Be warned, my reply is going to be kind of rough to read. That's just the way these things are sometimes...

 

5 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

She sends him a picture of her tanktop (nothing revealing..at least that is what she says), and then he sends her a picture of his shorts

College must be very different now than it was just a short time ago. Much, much more modest. Like, really though, check the whole deal right up, what in the not appropriate forum words does a picture of a tank top mean? A picture of shorts? What did he have a little ******** from her little white tank top (sitting right there in the middle...)?

Jokes aside, one of the following statements holds:

• She is not quite ready for a serious, monogamous, committed relationship
• She is not content or fulfilled by yalls relationship
• She legitimately loves this other guy, and the relationship ended for other reasons
• Absolutely nothing was actually going on and you overreacted and so she deleted the responses to try to avoid your abuse. (sorry, not sorry)

 

What you need to do is figure out which case this falls into, and then figure out where you want to go from there.

 

Now, on to the real problem:

5 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

..at least that is what she says

Do you already not trust her?

 

 

Barring all of that, you could try talking to her... Like, actually talking to her without preconceptions, your jump to conclusions mat, or anger of any type. Like, legitimately talking to her about the state of yall with only calmness, caring, and understanding. (In reality this is the most mature response and the first thing you should have done, but you kind of blew the chance it sounds like, so FIIK)

[Arika]

6 hours ago, PurplDrank said:

because she deleted them and just told me today

This is the biggest thing i think you have skipped over in your post. when she told you about this, what did she say? and how did she say it?

 

Did you confront her at all prior to her coming forward? There's a lot of information that you seem to know, without knowing the specifics.

[Guest]

I think the fact that she told you means she is trying to be open and honest. We’ve all been there in relationships where we fancy other people from time to time. It’s pretty normal. 
 

Tbh it’s a little weird. (Shorts are not that sexy??) I’d probably have a talk with her. Trust is huge for a committed relationship, neither of you should be concerned that the other is seeing someone. 
 

1 hour ago, straight_stewie said:

jump to conclusions mat

I got this reference. Love that movie.

[greenhorn]

29 minutes ago, RorzNZ said:

Tbh it’s a little weird. (Shorts are not that sexy??) I’d probably have a talk with her. Trust is huge for a committed relationship, neither of you should be concerned that the other is seeing someone. 

I fully agree with that statement. Communication is essential, so take your time for an in depth conversation with your gf so you can get more information, a clearer overall picture. This will be a much better basis for the huge decision you are facing. Try to get every reasonable piece of information before throwing your 3 year relationship in the proverbial dumpster.
That being said, what you experienced would raise many alarms for me if the same happened to me. Definitely worth an investigation, but remember to be cool-headed, don't assume the worst until you see solid evidence of it.

I know many people with very different attitudes and expectations towards relationships, it would definitely be wrong to apply the same standards to every single one of them. In the end, only the participants, their views, priorities matter. If that works out, the relationship works, 

[PurplDrank]

1 hour ago, Arika S said:

This is the biggest thing i think you have skipped over in your post. when she told you about this, what did she say? and how did she say it?

 

Did you confront her at all prior to her coming forward? There's a lot of information that you seem to know, without knowing the specifics.

Yes i have mentioned this guy before as a worry a couple of times. 

 

Well she said she felt horrible for doing it. At the time I was doing homework in my office area. Then she came in and wanted to have sex with me. The following morning she is checking my phone, for whatever reason. Then she told me she accidently sent the picture. Later on during dinner that sameday she tells me the truth. Her and this guy went to college together.