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zassou

child abuse and culture differences

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Posted · Original PosterOP

i have a neighbour, a woman in her 40s with two children. the older one is about 5, the yonger one is 3 or less. almost every night i can hear her yelling and her children crying. im a person of "minding my own business" and while i do worry about her kids, i dont feeling it's okay to intervene. today however, i bumped into her while heading out, she complained about my washing machine and cooking noise, saying she is a shallow sleeper and would wake up even the lightest noice. i appologised and walked away, said nothing else.

 

deep in my mind tho i really want to give her a proper lesson about parenting kids, as someone who's a victim of child abuse, this makes me very uneasy.

 

however, child discpline varies greatly in different cultures. mine for example, some really conservated parents still using coporpal punishment on misbehaving kids. you may think its unimaginable but two decades ago it was still widely consider acceptable; and even still legal today in some areas like singapore, where shops still selling sticks for spanking children.

 

im not a person who likes to poke around, i dont know where her husband is or she even has one. i only moved in about a year ago and i havent talk to her before. (and i dont talk to my neighbours ever, not a fan of chit-chat).

 

will you intervene? calling authorities? what if she is a good mother and someone else is abusing her child? what will you do?

 


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I mean in the US it's common to call CPS and the cops.  However, there are problems with CPS taking kids for profit, iirc.


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9 minutes ago, zassou said:

some really conservated parents still using coporpal punishment on misbehaving kids. you may think its unimaginable but two decades ago it was still widely consider acceptable

I don't think it's unimaginable. I think it's why previous generations were more prepared for adulthood.


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5 minutes ago, zassou said:

will you intervene?

I do not approve of just randomly raging like a stuck pig at kids or spanking them, but neither of those go over the line for and thus I wouldn't intervene -- that is, unless the person came to whine to me about something I do. Then I'd fire back with no holds barred. That said, anything more than that and I'd call police on their asses.

2 minutes ago, Drak3 said:

I don't think it's unimaginable. I think it's why previous generations were more prepared for adulthood.

I disagree. Getting spanked as a kid wouldn't have made me any bit better prepared or better as a person or anything the like. I come from a supporting and free home and none of my siblings or I have ever been in any kind of trouble, caused trouble or the likes.


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1 minute ago, WereCatf said:

Getting spanked as a kid wouldn't have made me any bit better prepared or better as a person or anything the like

It teaches and concretes that actions have consequences very early on.

 

2 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

I come from a supporting and free home

I come from a supporting home too. Knowing when to take disciplinary action and when to say 'no' is a requisite of that.


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Something is wrong with this world.

 

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Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

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1 minute ago, Drak3 said:

It teaches and concretes that actions have consequences very early on

More of ways doing that than spanking. A lot more. Spanking ain't necessary.


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2 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

More of ways doing that than spanking. A lot more.

None nearly as effective, as evidensed by milenials and gen Z.


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And look what I've found in the dirt.

 

Pale battered body

Seems she was struggling

Something is wrong with this world.

 

Fierce Bloody Angel

The blood is on your hands

Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

The blood is on your hands.

 

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Just now, Drak3 said:

None nearly as effective, as evidensed by milenials and gen Z.

Wow, now that's a ridiculous ignorant thing to say. ALL GENERATIONS HAVE HAD THEIR ASSHOLES. Every single god damn one. "Millennials" and "gen Z" ain't any sort of an exception nor is it any more pronounced than in any previous generation.


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2 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

"Millennials" and "gen Z" ain't any sort of an exception nor is it any more pronounced than in any previous generation.

It is more pronounced. As demonstrated by an aging physical labor force.


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Pale battered body

Seems she was struggling

Something is wrong with this world.

 

Fierce Bloody Angel

The blood is on your hands

Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

The blood is on your hands.

 

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1 minute ago, Drak3 said:

As demonstrated by an aging physical labor force.

Way to go and draw conclusions. Ignore all the things like e.g. people generally requiring a longer time for education nowadays in order to land a job than before, child-birth numbers being down and so on. Yup.

 

I'm just gonna fuck off this thread, there's no point in continuing this when the arguments are "MILLENNIALS BAD" and ridiculous conflations like that.


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31 minutes ago, zassou said:

will you intervene? calling authorities? what if she is a good mother and someone else is abusing her child? what will you do?

It's not my business, and unless there's concrete evidence of her abusing them, I wouldn't get involved.

 

25 minutes ago, valdyrgramr said:

I mean in the US it's common to call CPS and the cops.  However, there are problems with CPS taking kids for profit, iirc.

CPS ruins families and the futures of kids in most cases. Sometimes they even land in worse homes.

 

3 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

when the arguments are "MILLENNIALS BAD" and ridiculous conflations like that.

If that's all you got from what's being brought up then you really need to pay more attention.


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1 minute ago, WereCatf said:

people generally requiring a longer time for education nowadays in order to land a job than before

That's not required for any of the under served fields that younger generations aren't going into.

 

4 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

child-birth numbers being down

That doesn't explain the disparity between underserved fields and the pool of potential labor that is young people.

 

1 minute ago, Aimi said:

If that's all you got from what's being brought up then you really need to pay more attention

He's kinda a practical demonstration of my point.


Come Bloody Angel

Break off your chains

And look what I've found in the dirt.

 

Pale battered body

Seems she was struggling

Something is wrong with this world.

 

Fierce Bloody Angel

The blood is on your hands

Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

The blood is on your hands.

 

The blood is on your hands!

 

Pyo.

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10 minutes ago, Aimi said:

Don't get that started, it's an entirely different topic

It's somewhat related, but we also don't have enough information for a worthwhile debate.


Come Bloody Angel

Break off your chains

And look what I've found in the dirt.

 

Pale battered body

Seems she was struggling

Something is wrong with this world.

 

Fierce Bloody Angel

The blood is on your hands

Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

The blood is on your hands.

 

The blood is on your hands!

 

Pyo.

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heres my thoughts on it.:

 

everyone tries to do the best they mentally and physically can with their kids. i have thought about what i would act like as a father and it always boils down to me looking at my parents parenting style with me and then trying to keep the good stuff and get rid of the bad stuff. and i think this is what everyone kinda tries to do - improve on their own experience growing up. so that being said i really feel empathy for my parents. they must have had a really rough childhood and growing older i now know so for a fact. so i personally dont blame my parents anymore as they did the best they knew how. 

although talking from the childs perspective i have to say those fights where youre cowering in the corner of the bathroom while your dad is about to beat you with a belt and your mom is screaming histerically really stick with you forever. back then i never under stood how screaming at your child "to stop crying" sounded reasonable. anyway lets not get into my childhood.

if shes a direct neighbour i would try to befriend her first. invite her to a bbq with the neighbours or something. and make sure to also learn about what her kids are like. and then maybe one could bring it up in a more personal situation later.

in any case i have always been strongly for people talking to each other before going to the authorities. not saying dont. just not without having tried talking to them directly.

back in college i had complaints written about me haveing music too loud and one tie even the cops at my door without anyone ever having talked to me personally beforehand. i get mad at those kinds of people. its like if dont even have the balls to talk to me about it first like a man .... anyway 

 

TLDR:; try talking first, if non-responsive then go authorities

 


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2 hours ago, zassou said:

will you intervene? calling authorities? what if she is a good mother and someone else is abusing her child? what will you do?

 

That's very difficult because frankly its none of your business..unless you make it yours in which is kinda absurd i guess..although i know how you feel.

Because if you intervene..she might disagree with you and start telling you those are my child!! and if that happen..with that type of woman..god knows what she might do to her child.

Its tough..because i heard that the authorities/cps won't do sh*t (sorry) about it based on my experience on talking with a guy who has help a lot of child abuse victim (bless him)

 

Although if you happen to find a chance to talk to her..why not...just be careful..i suggest to get along with her first..or just start by saying " i heard yelling at night, are you guys okay? do you mind if i know what happened?" that pretend you're a good neighbor kind of chit-chat.

 

But i agree with you..i believe that corporal punishment isnt necessary..

Spoiler

I come from a dysfunctional family and i found that physical punishment aren't necessary...my mom used to well punish me and my father was never did something about it either.

When i was a kid, When i did something wrong she will warn me first to not make the same mistake again. But as a kid i often forgot about it and that's when...

 

It was...sad you know...although she is a changed woman now. She realize what she did was terrible and trying to make up to me although she's really terrible at it.

I ask her why...she said because that's how she was raised but then she realized that her ways/her parent ways of parenting didn't work on me..and its true...i grew up hating her and we never get along.

I forgave her but...i just can't forget about it..it was carved into my memory and will stay there..probably forever.

 

I am just glad that my brother was there for me, He used his word..he told me whats right or wrong in a way that somehow work for me..he always rewarded me everytime i did something good and always encourage me when i fail or did something wrong..he always letting me to choose what i want, he never overreact to my mistakes, and he never yell at me even to this day..You could say i was raised by love or whatever...

 

But based on my experience..i believe that corporal punishment isn't necessary.

If its work for you then that's fine i guess..but every child is different and if you make wrong choices..i am afraid that you will just hurting them physically and mentally..

I know..your parent might have a rough childhood but that's not the point..the point is to make sure that your child doesn't have to experience the bad things that you've been through.

I believe that parents should get to know their child better...

 


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It depends, In my case my own parents used physical punishment because well thats our culture. Personally I dont think id even have the heart to do that myself. Theres a fine line between punishment and abuse. I can understand why some would use physical punishment because Ive experienced it myself. That stuff sticks with you forever and it does work, Is it the best method of punisment? Hell no, But it is effective. It really depends between family to family. 

 

He puts it better than i would over the whole topic though 

 


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Posted · Original PosterOP
1 hour ago, cluelessgenius said:

if shes a direct neighbour i would try to befriend her first. invite her to a bbq with the neighbours or something. and make sure to also learn about what her kids are like. and then maybe one could bring it up in a more personal situation later.

 

here's the thing, we live in a flat (apartment), not houses, four homes in one storey. we are practically door to door. i can hear everything from hers if i want to, let alone child screaming.

 

and there's anothing thing. that woman, despite our brief convo, i find her quite reasonable and well mannered, and i want to believe it's not her fault. maybe she hired a grumpy nanny? and plus, i really not that kind of worring neighbour that will knock on your door and ask about your kids, like in the movies. i just not good at talking to people.

 

anyway, this reminds me an incident some years ago.

some chinese parents practising some kind of traditional chinese medical treament for their kid, scrapping his / her back with a slab of cow horn. it create streaks of bruises, kinda like the kid was wipped to the untrained eyes, but it's not really that hurt. effective or not i dont know, but some folks saw it and called the police, the parents were arrested.


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5 minutes ago, floofer said:

Child abuse is never OK.

Spanking =/= child abuse.


Come Bloody Angel

Break off your chains

And look what I've found in the dirt.

 

Pale battered body

Seems she was struggling

Something is wrong with this world.

 

Fierce Bloody Angel

The blood is on your hands

Why did you come to this world?

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

Everybody turns to dust.

 

The blood is on your hands.

 

The blood is on your hands!

 

Pyo.

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2 minutes ago, floofer said:

Say no all you want it’s against the law here.

Cool, but just spanking isn't abuse.


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Kids are undisciplined because parents are undisciplined.

 

Most parents nowadays don't give the kids the attention they deserve, think about it, they send them to school for 6 or 8 hours, usually when the kids are back home their parents haven't arrived from their 9-to-5 workplaces so they just let a nanny or someone else take care of them. When parents get home let's be realistic they don't give a quarter of a flying fuck about their kids or what they did on school or whatever, the dad if he's even present just smashes his ass against the couch and watches sports on TV or whatever "normal" dudes do and the lady takes a bath, changes clothes and starts making dinner while having the phone screen always on her eyes. It's somewhat the "western" life style, they believe money and gadgets will make kids happy but they won't, those things will just distract them for a while.

 

My parents always took care of me and my sister and we were happy and I mean truly happy even when we had nothing, they raised us with discipline being supportive and helpful but NOT overprotective, always been there when a problem arised for us as kids. My gf didn't had the luxury of enjoying a life with parents or family at all yet she grew up well mannered and polite so having parents or not doesn't makes a difference, having BAD parents does.

 


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