Complicated Ex Advice

[spartaman64]

A friend of mine is being stalked by his ex and I need advice on how to ask her to stop stalking him politely.

[matt12046]

Oh man, sometimes asking nicely doesn't work. Honestly the best thing to do is ignore it and if she keeps it up, let her know you don't have any qualms about getting the cops involved. 

[imreloadin]

1 hour ago, spartaman64 said:

A friend of mine is being stalked by his ex and I need advice on how to ask her to stop stalking him politely.

What exactly do you mean by stalking? That means lots of different things to different people.

[ttoks]

Thank your lucky stars it's not her taking the kids and running off with them instead, that's alot harder to deal with.

 

Get a restraining order if needed.

[Misanthrope]

4 hours ago, matt12046 said:

Oh man, sometimes asking nicely doesn't work. Honestly the best thing to do is ignore it and if she keeps it up, let her know you don't have any qualms about getting the cops involved. 

I agree. Strong and even brutal face to face rejection might be needed, in public and with witnesses around and being ready to get the police involved should be an option if she is truly obsessed and disturbed.

 

Seriously don't fuck around with a stalker or assume you shouldn't take it seriously cause she's a woman.

[Prysin]

6 hours ago, spartaman64 said:

A friend of mine is being stalked by his ex and I need advice on how to ask her to stop stalking him politely.

Tell him to contact the police if they can please serve a restraining order for him, preferably written in crayons with smileys on. So she won't be too sad when reading it.

 

Whatever he does, tell him NOT TO CONFRONT HER. She will just play the victim and 8/10 times, the woman is more likely to be believed in court when it comes to these kind of things. Especially if your friend is better off economically and socially after the breakup then she is.

[Thunderpup]

4 hours ago, Prysin said:

Tell him to contact the police if they can please serve a restraining order for him, preferably written in crayons with smileys on. So she won't be too sad when reading it.

 

Whatever he does, tell him NOT TO CONFRONT HER. She will just play the victim and 8/10 times, the woman is more likely to be believed in court when it comes to these kind of things. Especially if your friend is better off economically and socially after the breakup then she is.

I have to second this advice.

 

Your friend needs to get the cops involved and do so before she does.  Usually when it comes to Man Vs. Woman disputes law enforcement and the courts tend to default to siding with the woman.  Especially if there is a claim of violence against her; even if unfounded.  Getting a jump on this may pay dividends later.

 

outside of police involvement your friend may want to inform his company's HR person; as she may try to mess with his job or stalk him at work.

 

Changing the locks on all the doors wouldn't be a bad idea either.  Even if he never gave her a key to his place doesn't mean she didn't borrow one to make a copy at some point. 

 

lastly any communication attempts she makes to your friend or anyone else in reference to your friend should be saved and copied. This goes for e-mails, social media posts, text messages, voice mails etc...  That sort of stuff will validate his version of the story should people not believe him. 

 

 

[matt12046]

39 minutes ago, Thunderpup said:

Snip

 

As sad and unjust as it sounds it's mostly true. Because of societal norms, women are almost instantly seen as the victim in almost any situation. You should avoid confronting her and just get the restraining order. 

[spartaman64]

On 10/25/2016 at 11:35 PM, matt12046 said:

Oh man, sometimes asking nicely doesn't work. Honestly the best thing to do is ignore it and if she keeps it up, let her know you don't have any qualms about getting the cops involved. 

 

On 10/25/2016 at 11:53 PM, imreloadin said:

What exactly do you mean by stalking? That means lots of different things to different people.

 

On 10/26/2016 at 0:16 AM, ttoks said:

Thank your lucky stars it's not her taking the kids and running off with them instead, that's alot harder to deal with.

 

Get a restraining order if needed.

 

On 10/26/2016 at 4:08 AM, Misanthrope said:

I agree. Strong and even brutal face to face rejection might be needed, in public and with witnesses around and being ready to get the police involved should be an option if she is truly obsessed and disturbed.

 

Seriously don't fuck around with a stalker or assume you shouldn't take it seriously cause she's a woman.

 

On 10/26/2016 at 4:34 AM, Prysin said:

Tell him to contact the police if they can please serve a restraining order for him, preferably written in crayons with smileys on. So she won't be too sad when reading it.

 

Whatever he does, tell him NOT TO CONFRONT HER. She will just play the victim and 8/10 times, the woman is more likely to be believed in court when it comes to these kind of things. Especially if your friend is better off economically and socially after the breakup then she is.

 

On 10/26/2016 at 9:08 AM, Thunderpup said:

I have to second this advice.

 

Your friend needs to get the cops involved and do so before she does.  Usually when it comes to Man Vs. Woman disputes law enforcement and the courts tend to default to siding with the woman.  Especially if there is a claim of violence against her; even if unfounded.  Getting a jump on this may pay dividends later.

 

outside of police involvement your friend may want to inform his company's HR person; as she may try to mess with his job or stalk him at work.

 

Changing the locks on all the doors wouldn't be a bad idea either.  Even if he never gave her a key to his place doesn't mean she didn't borrow one to make a copy at some point. 

 

lastly any communication attempts she makes to your friend or anyone else in reference to your friend should be saved and copied. This goes for e-mails, social media posts, text messages, voice mails etc...  That sort of stuff will validate his version of the story should people not believe him. 

 

 

 

On 10/26/2016 at 9:50 AM, matt12046 said:

As sad and unjust as it sounds it's mostly true. Because of societal norms, women are almost instantly seen as the victim in almost any situation. You should avoid confronting her and just get the restraining order. 

by stalking i mean more of online stalking and they and I are both in high school so probably nothing as drastic as getting the police involved is needed. She has thrown a shoe at him during homecoming (school dance) and sent angry messages to his friends

[dalekphalm]

1 hour ago, spartaman64 said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

by stalking i mean more of online stalking and they and I are both in high school so probably nothing as drastic as getting the police involved is needed. She has thrown a shoe at him during homecoming (school dance) and sent angry messages to his friends

Online Stalking is still serious. It could very easily escalate, and if that happens, it may be too late to do anything meaningful about it.

 

Has your friend told her to stop?

[Prysin]

1 hour ago, spartaman64 said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

by stalking i mean more of online stalking and they and I are both in high school so probably nothing as drastic as getting the police involved is needed. She has thrown a shoe at him during homecoming (school dance) and sent angry messages to his friends

if we are talking Online stalking, then Facebook and similar social media outlets have rules against this. By reporting her or emailing social media customer support he can have her restricted from viewing his profile or even permanently banned for harrassment.

 

Also, given how tightly our lives are tied to our online persona, online stalking can be just as bad if not worse then real life stalking. because it is easier for her to manipulate people around you in order to hurt you. Also, if she is crazy enough, she can ruin his whole life with just a few rape allegations. So trust me. The sooner you get the police involved, the better.

[spartaman64]

1 hour ago, dalekphalm said:

Online Stalking is still serious. It could very easily escalate, and if that happens, it may be too late to do anything meaningful about it.

 

Has your friend told her to stop?

 

1 hour ago, Prysin said:

if we are talking Online stalking, then Facebook and similar social media outlets have rules against this. By reporting her or emailing social media customer support he can have her restricted from viewing his profile or even permanently banned for harrassment.

 

Also, given how tightly our lives are tied to our online persona, online stalking can be just as bad if not worse then real life stalking. because it is easier for her to manipulate people around you in order to hurt you. Also, if she is crazy enough, she can ruin his whole life with just a few rape allegations. So trust me. The sooner you get the police involved, the better.

we are not in fear for his life its just annoying. and he has not asked her to stop because he is way too soft which is why I want to ask her to stop for him but I want to do it politely 

[dalekphalm]

Just now, spartaman64 said:

 

we are not in fear for his life its just slightly annoying. and he has not asked her to stop because he is way too soft which is why I want to ask her to stop for him but I want to do it politely 

Is she a friend of yours, or do you simply know her?

 

You can try to ask her to stop, but there's very little you can do about making it "polite". She's harassing another person.

 

You also don't have to fear for your life for it to be stalking or harassment.

[spartaman64]

Just now, dalekphalm said:

Is she a friend of yours, or do you simply know her?

 

You can try to ask her to stop, but there's very little you can do about making it "polite". She's harassing another person.

 

You also don't have to fear for your life for it to be stalking or harassment.

i dont know her that well and my friend would be against taking drastic measures. also judging by her twitter posts she is completely heart broken so we are not angry at her and I actually want to help her get away from this obsession somehow 

[dalekphalm]

2 minutes ago, spartaman64 said:

i dont know her that well and my friend would be against taking drastic measures. also judging by her twitter posts she is completely heart broken so we are not angry at her and I actually want to help her get away from this obsession somehow 

Can you elaborate on exactly what she is doing to "stalk" him?

 

A broken heart is no excuse to stalk or harass a person - whether in real life or online.

[Prysin]

3 minutes ago, spartaman64 said:

i dont know her that well and my friend would be against taking drastic measures. also judging by her twitter posts she is completely heart broken so we are not angry at her and I actually want to help her get away from this obsession somehow 

you are not taking this issue seriously at all, are you?

[spartaman64]

Just now, Prysin said:

you are not taking this issue seriously at all, are you?

im taking it seriously but not in the way you guys think. I want a solution that makes both parties happy not just shut her out and resolve the situation for my friend. also it is really my friend's fault that it turned out this way. she asked him to be her boyfriend and he agreed even though he told us that he isnt really into her

1 minute ago, dalekphalm said:

Can you elaborate on exactly what she is doing to "stalk" him?

 

A broken heart is no excuse to stalk or harass a person - whether in real life or online.

she tags him in photos and comments on every post that he makes some passive aggressive comment. sorry if i made it sound really bad at the beginning but yea that is it. I want to help her move on and stop obsessing over him

[Prysin]

1 minute ago, spartaman64 said:

im taking it seriously but not in the way you guys think. I want a solution that makes both parties happy not just shut her out and resolve the situation for my friend. also it is really my friend's fault that it turned out this way. she asked him to be her boyfriend and he agreed even though he told us that he isnt really into her

she tags him in photos and comments on every post that he makes some passive aggressive comment. sorry if i made it sound really bad at the beginning but yea that is it. I want to help her move on and stop obsessing over him

if that is all she does. JUST BLOCK HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA. If she wanna talk to him, she can just call his phone.

[spartaman64]

2 minutes ago, Prysin said:

if that is all she does. JUST BLOCK HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

thats what i told him to do but he says he "doesnt want to make it look bad" whatever that means

and ultimately i want a solution that helps both of them and blocking her doesnt achieve that

[dalekphalm]

18 minutes ago, spartaman64 said:

thats what i told him to do but he says he "doesnt want to make it look bad" whatever that means

and ultimately i want a solution that helps both of them and blocking her doesnt achieve that

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your friend is a moron. Block her and be done with it.

 

She needs to get over him, and if he's letting her into his life in any way (including letting her tag him in posts, etc), then he's enabling her behaviour.

 

This is less complicated then you're making it out to be. Block her does achieve that. A solution that helps her is for her to move on. Guess what won't help that? Tagging him in posts on Facebook.

[Prysin]

18 minutes ago, spartaman64 said:

thats what i told him to do but he says he "doesnt want to make it look bad" whatever that means

and ultimately i want a solution that helps both of them and blocking her doesnt achieve that

there is no "good breakups". You can both agree, like me and my ex did, and it still sucks. Or you can fight it out. Either way, it sucks.

 

Now from how i see it, it seems more like they should talk it out IRL, once and for all. The whole breakup is probably due to miscommunication anyways, as that is the case almost every damn time it seems.

[spartaman64]

2 minutes ago, dalekphalm said:

I'm sorry to be blunt, but your friend is a moron. Block her and be done with it.

 

She needs to get over him, and if he's letting her into his life in any way (including letting her tag him in posts, etc), then he's enabling her behaviour.

 

This is less complicated then you're making it out to be. Block her does achieve that. A solution that helps her is for her to move on. Guess what won't help that? Tagging him in posts on Facebook.

yes he is. he never liked her but he said yes when she asked to be his girlfriend for some reason like wtf. i feel like blocking her will make her feel worse and other steps needs to be taken

[dalekphalm]

1 minute ago, spartaman64 said:

yes he is. he never liked her but he said yes when she asked to be his girlfriend for some reason like wtf. i feel like blocking her will make her feel worse and other steps needs to be taken

Of course she'll feel worse. Feeling bad is not inherently a bad thing. She'll get over it faster, and in the long run, she will feel better. He's leading her on by letting her keep in contact with him.

 

The only other viable alternative is, as @Prysin suggested: They talk it out in person.

 

FYI your friend sounds like a major jackass.

[Misanthrope]

3 hours ago, spartaman64 said:

by stalking i mean more of online stalking and they and I are both in high school so probably nothing as drastic as getting the police involved is needed. She has thrown a shoe at him during homecoming (school dance) and sent angry messages to his friends

Oh, then just take advantage of the ignore and blocking features of social media.

[spartaman64]

2 minutes ago, dalekphalm said:

Of course she'll feel worse. Feeling bad is not inherently a bad thing. She'll get over it faster, and in the long run, she will feel better. He's leading her on by letting her keep in contact with him.

 

The only other viable alternative is, as @Prysin suggested: They talk it out in person.

 

FYI your friend sounds like a major jackass.

He won't talk to her so I want to talk to her and attempt to sort this out