What Is Your Best Programmer Joke?

[YellowDragon]

So what is your best joke that is programming related?

 

Heres a few of mine to get started.

 

Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

A: Inheritance

 

["hip","hip"]

(hip hip array!)

 

Why programmers like UNIX:

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

 

If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.

 

 

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

 

 

Why are Assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level

 

 

 

So now lets hear some of yours :D

 

 

 

[Tigerbomb8]

[João Severino]

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem

 

---

 

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
 

---

 

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.

His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!”
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

[alpenwasser]

The only one that comes to mind at the moment:

After recently having become a father, a programmer is asked by his buddy "Is it a girl or a boy?".

To which he replies: "Yes."

[lutzee]

Drug dealers:

• Refer to their clients as “users”.
• “The first one’s free!”
• Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
• Strange jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag,” “E”.
• Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
• Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
• Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
• Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
• Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software developers:

• Refer to their clients as “users”.
• “Download a free trial version…”.
• Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
• Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “ISDN”, “Java”, “RTFM”.
• Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
• Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
• Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
• Their product causes unhealthy addictions – DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:

“You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?”

Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, “Why would you stay on?”

The tenth said, “if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash.”

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.

An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.

A Real Programmer sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a ŵhorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. 'I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.' The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, 'I'd want peace in the Middle East.' The genie responds, 'Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.'

The programmer then says, 'Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.' At which point the genie responds, 'Um, let me see that map again.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

(This is actually a comment my friend made in a lecture when the lecturer asked how to get a random number, first year btw, most people in the room had no clue, but made some of us chuckle)

Lecturer: So, how do we get a random number in C++?

Friend: return 4; !

(two minutes later i find this.. http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/random_number.png, I forgot he was an xkcd reader)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A byte walks into a bar. The bartender looks at it for a while and asks: "What's wrong?"

"Parity error."

"Ah, I thought you looked a bit off."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Okay, thats enough I think...

[Tigerbomb8]

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information.

One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"

The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?"

"I broke into their research lab and stole a page from the teletype machine! It's not the whole program, but it's the final page and contains the concluding logic of the program! See for yourself!!!!"

The commander looked at the page and smiled:

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[João Severino]

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

 

The grandmother is thinking to herself,

“It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

 

The Project manager is sitting there thinking,

“I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

 

The young woman was sitting and thinking,

“I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

 

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself,

“Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

[Flojer0]

A programmers wife tells him, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." So the programmer comes home with twelve loafs of bread.

 

___________________

 

An engineer, a manager, and a programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says “We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next!” The engineer says, “Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and I’ll have us going in no time!” The programmer looks at them both and says, “Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.”

 

Those are the two in my memory.

[ionbasa]

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand Hex,

and F the rest.

 

 

Because F is 15 in hex

[João Severino]

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand Hex,

and F the rest.

 

 

Because F is 15 in hex

 

I knew the version with binary (which was simpler) never heard this one

 

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand binary,

and those who don't.

[Flojer0]

I knew the version with binary (which was simpler) 

When I heard the hex version it sounded like someone trying to hard to make a joke.

[Ninety1Nine]

null

[bluepoodleguy]

Yo mama so fat calculating her gravitational constant causes a stack overflow.

[ygohome]

Two hot blondes walk into an IT building.

 

You'd think one of them would've seen it.

 

 

*not really a program joke.  I had to modify an old joke by adding "IT".  Still makes me chuckle though.  The real joke is relating two hot blondes with IT.

[Purple]

/* no comment */

 

 

pff

[sme81]

I knew the version with binary (which was simpler) never heard this one

 

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand binary,

and those who don't.

 

There are 10 types of people in the world,

Those who understand binary,

and those who don't.

 

And those who where expecting a base 3 joke

[AW3i]

Signs You Might Be A SysadminYou see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to renderobscene pictures of upper management people.Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.The last time you kissed someone was in high school."What?  No raise?  No Backups, then!"You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."

 

 

A network administrator, a systems engineer and an IT Director were walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the systems engineer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the network administrator. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional volleyball player on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! She's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the IT Director. The IT Director says, "I want those two back at their desk after lunch."

[YellowDragon]

Wow I have a checkmark next to almost all of those in that list :P

 

Especially this one:

You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render
obscene pictures of upper management people.

 

 

 

You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have
no idea it is referring to drugs.

 

You have no Idea how much this rings true, its so true that it makes me want to cry :(

[eoso]

Uhh.... I just wrote 1000101 everywhere in the computer science classroom for years in high school. It wasn't until my senior year that people started to figure out what was going on.

[AW3i]

*snip*

[pjm0925]

Bob: So, how do I query the database?
IT guy: It’s not a database. It’s a key-value store.
Bob: OK, it’s not a database. How do I query it?
IT guy: You write a distributed map-reduce function in Erlang.
Bob: Did you just tell me to go screw myself?
IT guy: I believe I did, Bob.

[Power]

[alpenwasser]

[...img...]

Gotta admit, that one got a definite chuckle out of me. :lol:

All hail C! :wub:

[eoso]

 

 

I lol'd. Hard.

[Blade of Grass]

Signs You Might Be A SysadminYou see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to renderobscene pictures of upper management people.Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.The last time you kissed someone was in high school."What?  No raise?  No Backups, then!"You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants."

-pics-

 

A network administrator, a systems engineer and an IT Director were walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the systems engineer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the network administrator. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional volleyball player on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! She's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the IT Director. The IT Director says, "I want those two back at their desk after lunch."

 

 

 

:D