This is serious.

[Jtalk4456]

My wife has been struggling with anxiety, depression, and bipolar for many years. She has managed with some semblance of normalcy, but it's always had her close to a tipping point. Back in December, a coworker she was very close with shot herself in the head on a team meeting because her mother's boyfriend was raping her and she was pregnant. My wife has slowly spiraled down into a point where she cannot leave the house or go to work because being around people gives her severe PTSD. It has gotten to the point where certain thoughts have raced through her mind and she has come to accept she needs the help. So tomorrow I am flying with her down to Florida for an inpatient treatment facility where she will put a lot of work on her trauma/PTSD, and also gain a lot of tools to help manage the rest of her anxiety and other things I haven't mentioned for her sake. I don't say this because I want to involve anyone in the deepest depths of our emotional struggles or get pity from anyone. I say this because as the husband going through all this with her, I feel completely inadequate. I could never in a million years even begin to contemplate some of the certain kinds of thoughts she has had. My mind simply isn't capable of them. All to say that as much good intention as I have and can give, I have to give her up for a while because I simply cannot help her. Even if I had the tools necessary, I'm her husband, not her father or doctor. I don't hold the same authority to her that she needs guiding her through this.

So if you are experiencing anything, I mean ANYTHING (and I'm sure we all are in some way), please seek help. If you don't have the self respect or self love to want to take care of yourself and get better for yourself, do it for your loved ones. I can't imagine what she is going through, but she can't imagine the absolute HELL I'm in right now concerned literally for her life, scared to go to work and leave her alone, worried I may have to explain to my 5 wonderful sobbing children why they will never be able to hug their mother again. You are worth living, you are worth loving and enjoying life, but if you can't believe that, at least believe that others love you and are breaking apart watching you hurt. We as a society need to break down the stigma that only crazy people talk to therapists. Maybe you're like me and have no severe anxiety, but you're struggling with various things happening around you that affect you emotionally. Talk to a therapist and get an outside perspective. If nothing else find a safe space and a safe person you can vent to. Maybe you're part of a good church and you can talk to the pastor one Sunday after service. Maybe you've got that one friend that will be straight with you, never judge you and only support. Whatever it looks like for you, I want everyone to know how quickly a glass can tip over and spill when it's been filling for years. It only takes that one final drop to spill everything and once it's gone, it could be gone forever. That's something no one should have to go through, and it cycles. The coworker's trauma became my wife's trauma, and my wife's trauma is leaving what I imagine will be a permanent scar of worrying every time she feels a bit down one day. And I'm 100% sure my kids will carry a lot of this stress with them their whole lives, wondering if that time they misbehaved got mommy mad enough that she wanted to die. I feel I'm rambling but my mind is a bit scrambled right now. To sum it all, I'm going thru it hard and I want anyone who will see this to prevent yourself from going thru the same. I want to remind everyone that there is no shame getting help, and especially after a global pandemic has caused mental issues to soar with anxiety, quarantine, loss, and many other things. You may feel like your 1 problem bugging you is just a pesky little bug, but you might be in a swarm and not realize it because you've ignored every other bug that's joined you over the years. Start looking at your bugs, talking with someone, anyone. Start swatting those flies one by one so you never get to the point where you can't see through them to get up, walk, be present with your family, or just enjoy life.

[suedseefrucht]

 

3 hours ago, Jtalk4456 said:

she has come to accept she needs the help. So tomorrow I am flying with her down to Florida for an inpatient treatment facility where she will put a lot of work on her trauma/PTSD

3 hours ago, Jtalk4456 said:

I feel completely inadequate

3 hours ago, Jtalk4456 said:

Even if I had the tools necessary, I'm her husband, not her father or doctor. I don't hold the same authority to her that she needs guiding her through this.

 

You did good. I know the feeling if you put all the positive energy you have into someone depressive and there is nothing left for yourself.
You are not inadequate. You are the best husband she can wish for, because you care so much about her. You did everything you could and you convinced her to get help, so she will feel better one day.

[GreatnessRD]

This breaks my heart to read. There is nothing that I can say or do to make the situation better, but do know that you and your family are in my prayers. Praying that your wife is able to get the help she deserves in Florida. Be blessed.

[FakeATF]

Holy shit, I wasn't ready for that.

 

As far as I am concerned, the fact that you are going to these lengths and are this worried about her more than proves that you would do anything for her. And that, I think is what any "adequate" husband should do. 

 

I know that in the grand scheme of things all we say is simply words on a screen, but, best of luck to you all.

 

Godspeed and best of luck to you, your wife, and your family. I hope you all get through this.

[whm1974]

You can provide a support structure for your wife. There also support groups around to help cope as well.

[Jtalk4456]

18 hours ago, whm1974 said:

You can provide a support structure for your wife. There also support groups around to help cope as well.

I'm supporting best I can. Need to figure out the best way to respond to things, and I'm also looking for local support groups when she gets home

[whm1974]

On 8/20/2021 at 4:17 PM, Jtalk4456 said:

I'm supporting best I can. Need to figure out the best way to respond to things, and I'm also looking for local support groups when she gets home

I'm following up on this as I have Major Depression Order myself. Is your wife any better or did you find Local Support Groups to help her cope?

[Jtalk4456]

4 minutes ago, whm1974 said:

I'm following up on this as I have Major Depression Order myself. Is your wife any better or did you find Local Support Groups to help her cope?

well she's still at inpatient, hopefully getting out in 2 weeks or so. She seems to be doing a lot better and they've found conflicts in her current medicine and fixed that, so here's to hoping. I'm looking at some different local groups, just haven't had much time to sit down and start calling groups and plan it out. I've still got time while she's away so I'll be getting it done probably this weekend if I can

[whm1974]

17 minutes ago, Jtalk4456 said:

well she's still at inpatient, hopefully getting out in 2 weeks or so. She seems to be doing a lot better and they've found conflicts in her current medicine and fixed that, so here's to hoping. I'm looking at some different local groups, just haven't had much time to sit down and start calling groups and plan it out. I've still got time while she's away so I'll be getting it done probably this weekend if I can

Well good luck. Stuff such as this is not easy for anyone to deal with.

[Jtalk4456]

15 minutes ago, whm1974 said:

Well good luck. Stuff such as this is not easy for anyone to deal with.

agreed. 

[Jtalk4456]

33 minutes ago, comander said:

From what I can tell, you've taken reasonable steps so far, you're reasonably aware of your limits and you're doing a reasonably good job. Your fears and concerns are valid. 

 

These are things that I suggest as a starting point for your wife (in addition to whatever mental health help she is getting). 

Diet, sleep, exercise, socialization (as appropriate - listen to your health practitioners BEFORE me)

 

Those 4 things are REALLY REALLY powerful when it comes to mental health and there's a ton of researching showing that they all help and that there's an additive effect when done together. It's very hard to be of sound mind if your health is suffering. I know that it goes both ways (a poor mindset means it's harder to take care of yourself). Anecdotally I can say that bicycling to work helped me clear my head A LOT. Same goes for fixing any sleep disruptions and eating better. These things also helped my SO. 

 

You probably need to work on those things as well. Every little thing you do helps though. You are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders. I hope you're bearing it well. I would struggle too. 

45 min interstate car ride to work, don't think the bike is gonna work lol. But yeah we're working on improving those 4. For my health too, diabetes is a butt. Neither of us are great with socialization and the anxiety/ptsd certainly doesn't make it easier for her, but we're doing what we can. I'm trying to ask the counselor right now about some different ways for me to communicate better to her with certain topics that cause stress as needed. IDK whether to just pat on the back and say I understand, or rip on the person causing the stress or somewhere in between. Hopefully they can give me some clarifications on the best way to handle conflicts with her. 

[Quackers101]

1 hour ago, Jtalk4456 said:

well she's still at inpatient, hopefully getting out in 2 weeks or so. She seems to be doing a lot better and they've found conflicts in her current medicine and fixed that, so here's to hoping.

while there is no fix with medication, unless it can be targeted as a root problem.

hopefully it can open up paths instead of closing them down, trying to start living or try starting a new life.

 

and hopefully you find something that works or make the air less heavy for the family, its good you are trying, just dont work yourself out and getting into conflicts that way too : (

 

rant

Spoiler

else like others say, it can be a lot to handle trying to find a "balance" in this? would hope that the kids grow or maybe need their own time if interactions dont go well or having strange thoughts, that both parents and children can see each other but being in less conflict or concerns (if causing stress?). even if this might not be possible or start more negative thoughts, but that a way to feel less stressed and hopefully the mind going away from things but not permanently just to regain some inner peace? but that is likely only you and those close to her know or finding the specific "solution" to get a future together.

 

also many "disorders in isolation" isn't great, if its locked in a box with the same mind even if the same happens in public too. hopefully there is something that can open her box, to get a different view or thought. also getting away or getting able to handle conflicts. Like a boxer could do, take their rage out on a training dummy or something to get your mind away from something that causes pain or suffering. something body pains or issues can cause conflicts like health and talked about diets or getting enough nutritions.

 

[Lurick]

13 hours ago, Jtalk4456 said:

45 min interstate car ride to work, don't think the bike is gonna work lol. But yeah we're working on improving those 4. For my health too, diabetes is a butt. Neither of us are great with socialization and the anxiety/ptsd certainly doesn't make it easier for her, but we're doing what we can. I'm trying to ask the counselor right now about some different ways for me to communicate better to her with certain topics that cause stress as needed. IDK whether to just pat on the back and say I understand, or rip on the person causing the stress or somewhere in between. Hopefully they can give me some clarifications on the best way to handle conflicts with her. 

Someone mentioned this a while ago to me and I think it's great, instead of being unsure ask this:
"do you need someone to listen or do you need someone to find a solution?" or something similar. Basically asking do you want someone to listen to you or do you want someone to help find a solution because sometimes you just want someone to listen and don't care about a solution and other times the opposite.