What the F is wrong with people?

[Teddy07]

1 hour ago, Ibanez343 said:

One the best pieces of advice I've ever received regarding relationships is "You have to be happy on your own before you can be happy in a relationship". 

1

Very good advice

Other people are just a burden. You can trust no one because they can betray you at any moment

[orbitalbuzzsaw]

5 minutes ago, Teddy07 said:

Very good advice

Other people are just a burden. You can trust no one because they can betray you at any moment

Exactly. Just fucking don't. Sit back and watch the fireworks.

[Arika]

sounds like he's a married man and wants quick flings while he's not at home.

[dizmo]

Everyone has issues dealing with rejection, so that's not really something that should surprise you. Taking his name off isn't helping her in any way. She has to do that herself, and if she can't, you're only aiding her inability to do what appears to be anything herself. The best thing you can do as her friend is just to be there for her, at a distance, and telling her how it is. Be blunt and straight forward. The best friends are. Sugar coating or pussy footing around things aren't doing her any favours. Just keep suggesting things to her like you are, and don't care about whether she does it or not. You have on control over that. Ultimately that part is totally on her.

 

As for her whole "relationship" situation, the fact it moved that quickly should have been a pretty obvious red flag and you should have prepped her for disaster in advance. Nothing starts that quickly and goes well. What lights quickly also burns out quickly. You become infatuated quickly, you do not fall in love quickly. That's not how it works. He also works a job to make quick, large amounts of cash. That alone should tell you he's not in many things for the long haul. Your friend is also to blame in this whole situation. She chased after him, when he clearly showed he wasn't down for a long distance relationship. Don't hack into his phone. He doesn't feel the same as she does, period. She needs to stop. Period. Anything more is simply an unhealthy action.

 

Honestly, I don't think your friend really knows what she wants. If she's after some perfect, fairy tale ending she's delusional and her expectations are unrealistic. She'll always be disappointed, and likely get herself into more of these situations.

 

Everyone handles breakups differently. This was hardly a relationship at all, so she clearly gets attached to quickly and easily. Good luck

 

1 hour ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

what makes you think I'm a guy?  maybe I sound like a guy because I'm not like other women who are more emotional than rational.

 

I already told her what I thought, yesterday I told her the next time she calls me to spend time with her so she doesn't feel alone or abandoned she better be in a mood where she doesn't bring up his name or any thoughts about him every 5 seconds.  Also since I do some martial arts and I have some other friends who do mixed martial arts and work with guns, I asked her if she wanted him crippled, or dead.

Right. Cuz that makes sense, when really, she's equally if not more to blame

1 hour ago, Ibanez343 said:

I assumed you were a girl, but as a guy I am not very good at communication . Sorry for the confusion I should have worded that last sentence better

Guys can be perfectly fine at communication

1 hour ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I wouldn't bet against your statement as she has told me "being good in bed is the most important thing for her in a relationship".

 

I think my friend also has low self esteem, to some degree.  She is always asking if she looks hot, is she wearing enough makeup, is any guy checking her out, etc.  Last Friday she said she was at a music club until 4 in the morning and she was having a fun time as a few guys were hitting on her and fighting over her.

LOL if being good in bed is most important to her, she's not looking for a relationship or marriage. Send her over to Tinder, tell her to go nuts. Easiest way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.

 

She definitely has low self esteem...though that should be rather obvious. Having fun at a club in that way is pretty immature. I'd guess the immaturity is more what she struggles with than anything else. Hell, I know 22 year olds that are more mature than that.

1 hour ago, comander said:

She needs a treadmill, not a relationship. 

I'm dead serious. Exercise helps with depression and anxiety, often better than most drugs targeted at those. 

Agreed. Though, I'll say weights. Might as well do something that'll burn more calories and build some sexy AF muscle.

55 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I don't even follow the 3 date rule before getting into bed with someone.  I want to know someone very well in person first, sometimes it takes weeks, months, maybe years.

Haha, there is no such thing as the three date rule. That's simply something people make up to make themselves feel better. It also makes little sense. Feel chemistry, and you're both down? Fuck on the first date. Just know it can alter the chemistry of the relationship depending on how you feel about it.

3 minutes ago, Arika S said:

sounds like he's a married man and wants quick flings while he's not at home.

I don't think so. You wouldn't really bother carrying on the long distance part once you'd gotten what you wanted.

[Tristerin]

there is no help...only Tinder.  I have to agree with @dizmo here.

[Giganthrax]

Neither of these two people is well adjusted if they're talking about marriage within days of meeting each other. This is teenager behavior at best, and low-IQ behavior at worst (low IQ people tend to be highly impulsive and to make their decisions based on emotions rather than common sense). 

 

Now, your friend clearly has issues, as evidenced by her needing to be medicated, so I assume that for her to open up to a guy like that is a massive deal. 

 

As for the guy, I think he is/was into her, but that the distance really killed it for him. It's quite possible that he can't find anyone else, which is why he keeps returning to her. Either way, he seems irresponsible and foolish, and their relationship was doomed from the start.

 

As for how you should approach your friend, I'm afraid you're either going to grit your teeth and endure her whining, or spend less time with her. I used to hang out with people who would just go on and on and on about their emotional problems every time I saw them, and I ended up hanging out with them a lot less or not at all. After all, what's the point of me being there if all my words fall on deaf ears? 

 

If you end up doing the same, don't feel bad about it. Friendship goes both ways, and human beings are wired to dislike and avoid people who refuse to help themselves. 

[Giganthrax]

2 hours ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

That was my thought exactly when she came back from her winter holiday period and mentioned her relationship the first time.  Of course I didn't voice it to her.

Well you should've. 

 

Real friends try to stop each other from making big mistakes, even when doing so may end up straining the friendship in the short term.

 

And if your friend gets really mad at you and cuts ties with you because you tell them the truth, well then screw them. 

 

EDIT: OKay, after reading further into this thread, I came to understand that your friend is a know-it-all, shallow, needy, doesn't listen to people who care for her, has no problem with constantly unloading her emotional baggage on other people, and mistakes her horny-ness ("sex is the most important thing in a relationship") with a need for a relationship. Aside from knowing this person for a long time, why are you really friends with her?

[LaFemmeEnVert]

4 hours ago, Giganthrax said:

Well you should've. 

 

Real friends try to stop each other from making big mistakes, even when doing so may end up straining the friendship in the short term.

 

And if your friend gets really mad at you and cuts ties with you because you tell them the truth, well then screw them. 

 

EDIT: OKay, after reading further into this thread, I came to understand that your friend is a know-it-all, shallow, needy, doesn't listen to people who care for her, has no problem with constantly unloading her emotional baggage on other people, and mistakes her horny-ness ("sex is the most important thing in a relationship") with a need for a relationship. Aside from knowing this person for a long time, why are you really friends with her?

Yeah I’m wondering the same thing... why am I friends with her?

 

I think I care about people and want to help out if possible I guess... now I’m rethinking whether I should.

[greenhorn]

40 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

Yeah I’m wondering the same thing... why am I friends with her?

 

I think I care about people and want to help out if possible I guess... now I’m rethinking whether I should.

That's a good point. While your commitment to your friend certainly is commendable, be aware of the fact that the friendship with this person might severely drain your own energy reserves and strongly affect you emotionally. I know this might sound cold, but I have experienced that myself for a while. My girlfriend and I had such a friend and we found out that we were spending a huge amount of time talking/thinking about how to help that friend and feeling bad about what happened to her, which put a strain on our relationship (between me and my girlfriend). In the end, after a long while and much discussion, we decided to get more distance to that friend because we had the feeling of getting sucked into her world of problems. Again, I know this might sound cruel, but you just have to stop at some point. We didn't take that decision lightly at all, but I still believe it was the only feasible course of action.

[Chevrolet]

37 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

Yeah I’m wondering the same thing... why am I friends with her?

 

I think I care about people and want to help out if possible I guess... now I’m rethinking whether I should.

It's human nature. Whether you like it or not, you appreciate something about this person and want to help. You're a good person, mind you, but I've been in your situation and you have to rip the bandaid off and cut contact until the person has settled in life. Unless you think she'll harm herself, distance the two of you for awhile.

 

I've absolutely been there; thinking that I've met some amazing girl and my life is going to crumble apart when/if she leaves. I'd become controlling and manipulative. I, too, suffer from anxiety due to being raised by a crazy narcissistic mother. I'm in my twenties and male, she's in her thirties and is a woman, and that is an important difference.

 

As a woman, she is biologically and socially programmed at her age to want kids due to the complications that arise as she gets older and wants to try for kids. This often results in forced, unhappy relationships because the two people got married on the sole basis that kids were on the agenda and it had to be done SOON. My parents did this, got divorced, and have been for the majority of my life. There isn't a healthy dynamic to it no matter how you look at it.

 

She needs to learn to be happy on her own. It's a broken record old saying, but it's absolutely true. Once you become codependent on your partner to sustain your well-being, you're beyond help if something happens to them. The right person will come along if she continues to live her life, even if she doesn't believe it. I'm a guy. I didn't believe that stuff because I've always felt that the guy has to carry the entire burden of courting a relationship along. But here I am with a fantastic girl that walked into my life at a rather complex time for both of us. Was I happier alone? Absolutely not. But does she complement my life well and make me want to be a better person for her? Absolutely. 

 

Your friend's mentality is an absolute mental drag for everybody involved. Somebody has to hit her with a bag of bricks (metaphorically, please) if she wants to find what she's looking for.

[Giganthrax]

1 hour ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

Yeah I’m wondering the same thing... why am I friends with her?

 

I think I care about people and want to help out if possible I guess... now I’m rethinking whether I should.

I get you, I'm also the kind of person who likes to help people out. 

 

Sadly, a lot of the time not only are our efforts wasted on individuals who don't really appreciate them, they also tend to bring unnecessary negativity and drama into our lives. For a lack of a better word, these people end up being "toxic" to us.

 

From what you described in this thread, I get the impression this friend is really just using you (and her other friends) as an audience that will listen to her endlessly vent about her problems. She's clearly refusing to help herself (as proven by her refusing to cut her losses and move on from the failed relationship), so any advice you try to give her is just a waste of your time and energy.

 

Ofc, she's likely not aware of this dynamic because she's too wound up in her emotions and unable to control herself. This wouldn't be a huge problem if she was a teenager, but in her 30s this to me is an indication of an infantile mind, psychological problems, low IQ, egotism, and a bunch of other bad traits I wouldn't want to see in a close friend. 

[LaFemmeEnVert]

Thanks for you all comments.  Since she’s already mad at me for putting her guy in the ignore list of her contacts and for asking her (as a way vent her anger and frustrations and not actually for physical violence) if she wanted him crippled or dead (after the first breakup and now this second time, she keeps talking about hacking his phone or doing something to ruin his life.  None of which I feel compelled to do for her.), I don’t think she will be talking to me anytime soon and after reading your comments, frankly I don’t care if she talks to me ever again.

 

As I said, I just needed to vent and maybe get some advice which I got from everyone who commented.

 

My method for dealing with anger is very simple, I try to get over it and if I can’t, I break something like maybe a beer bottle by throwing it against a concrete wall and then I’m done.  I even offered to bring a baseball bat and we take her empty wine bottles somewhere so she can smash them to vent, but she doesn’t want that either.

 

People who I consider to be too toxic to be around in my life, I quickly ignore and avoid them.  Sometimes I feel something’s wrong with me for being able to quickly act very indifferent or cold blooded or not care about something or someone, especially if they hurt me.  I don’t dwell on anyone for long.  Life goes on and it’s too short for regrets.

 

My personality type is an INTJ, if any of these tests and types are actually valid.  I’m much more into being rational and pragmatic than being emotional.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

8 hours ago, valdyrgramr said:

  As for girls with depression and anxiety when I broke up with them it starts going into a 3 phase thing.  1) The world is over for them.  2) They go silent for awhile and shrug everything off then start saying nothing matters and they don't matter.  3)  They get over all of that then get into this jealousy and condescending stage where they get all judgmental for you being with another person.  Like I was spending time with my now fiancee and playing L4D2.  My ex-who I am still trying to be friends with says that it is odd that I'm playing L4D2.  I told her my fiancee had asked me to play it with her, and then she smugly shrugged it off and went silent.  A day later she posts something on FB about missing me.  So yes, they do get very heartbroken.

I was working all day so didn't realy focus on what you wrote.  Now that I think about it, my friend, or more likely former friend, is going through all 3 phases in a random cycle.  Thanks for the input.

 

Everyone here has opened my my eyes, i was so blinded because of friendship.  At first I assumed it was always the guy's fault because he didnt deal with her directly, only by text message. and because I never met him in person and don;t know him.  Now I am certain she has a lot of fault too for what she is going through.

[Rodinski]

Sounds like he is a narcissist.  Reference some material for your friend to read.  

[LaFemmeEnVert]

4 minutes ago, Rodinski said:

Sounds like he is a narcissist.  Reference some material for your friend to read.  

I don’t think she will listen to anything we say now unless we say something that supports her opinion which randomly changes from despising him one moment to wanting to be with him again the next even though he broke up with her twice.

[Giganthrax]

51 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I don’t think she will listen to anything we say now unless we say something that supports her opinion which randomly changes from despising him one moment to wanting to be with him again the next even though he broke up with her twice.

As I said, screw her. You have better, more positive things to do in your life than deal with that kind of childish negativity. Everybody does. 

[Yoinkerman]

Some people are train wrecks and you can't save them from themselves.  It's her life to screw up 

[imreloadin]

18 hours ago, Mr. horse said:

Anyone get the vibe that he's cheating?

Yep, she is definitely the side chick

[The King of the Undead]

I am reading this and losing hope for humanity

[wasab]

Is this her first breakup? First is usually very hurtful and devastating, especially if you really had a good and trusting relationship. After a couple of more times however, most people will just be like whatever. I will find someone else. 

[LaFemmeEnVert]

2 minutes ago, wasab said:

Is this her first breakup? First is usually very hurtful and devastating, especially if you really had a good and trusting relationship. After a couple of more times however, most people will just be like whatever. I will find someone else. 

Second guy to breakup with her, but maybe third if you count this second guy broke up with her twice.

[greenhorn]

17 hours ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I don’t think she will listen to anything we say now unless we say something that supports her opinion which randomly changes from despising him one moment to wanting to be with him again the next even though he broke up with her twice.

Those people don't need real friends, they need repeaters with a significant amplification gain (which won't make them happy in the long run, they are just supporting their state of denial).

[Quadriplegic]

I'm an ass, so all I can say is – tell her to stop being silly b****. It seems like she wants people to feel bad for her, but doesn't want to accept help. It seems like she thinks she knows it all, but doesn't think before acting. Perhaps knowing that she is nothing but a burden to people close to her will force her to actually do something to change?

Sorry for talking about your friend like this, but I can't stand people like her. Sure, I am not pretending to be know-it-all just from few posts in random tech forum, but I think it is enough to make first impression

[NeuesTestament]

On 5/23/2019 at 9:15 AM, LaFemmeEnVert said:

if she wanted him crippled or dead (after the first breakup and now this second time, she keeps talking about hacking his phone or doing something to ruin his life.  None of which I feel compelled to do for her.),

She sounds like a complete wreck. You can't help everyone and like other have said be very careful not to let your own life slip, because you felt like you had to save someone.

 

 

[chiller15]

I am identifying with the woman of this story and would like to add my first-hand experience to this thread, to shine a light for those who cannot understand why she would act like this.

 

I too am in my early 30s (though male) and have just come out of a 13+ year relationship/marriage (not my choice) where the other person was my only friend and my life completely revolved around her. Without going into too much detail, I have no friends outside of work colleagues, not particularly close with family and have extremely low self-esteem, low confidence and find that I am socially awkward (to the point where I can't even dance/move at gigs because I'm so self-conscious about what other people think). It's easy to say things like 'just don't care what other people think', but when it's so ingrained, it simply can't be turned off. I dread the idea of meeting new people and tend to spend my evenings and weekends alone at home, watching TV, YouTube and playing games, but I pine to be in a relationship again because I hate being alone. If I found someone that could be the next relationship, how do I share my past? The majority of my life has been shared with my ex, so I have no experiences of my own and anything I do share involves her. The next person isn't going to want to hear any of that.

 

The entirety of my adult life thus far has only know life inside a relationship. Now that's over, I am lost. Emotionally I swing between depression, pining for a relationship again, hating the loneliness to some resemblance of normal. Do I think about her multiple times a day, wondering how she's coping or if she's moved on/met someone else? Yes I do, a whole lot. Moving on is a long process that gets worse before it gets better.

 

So you ask what F is wrong with her? She is suffering mental health issues, like many of us are she needs help and support, regardless of how hard it is. She has you and others around her. Take it from me, don't leave her to suffer this on her own.