What the F is wrong with people?

[LaFemmeEnVert]

I need to rant a bit, sorry.  Delete this if it doesn't meet standards.

I have a friend.  She is educated, has a good job, has traveled a bit.  She also suffers from anxiety and takes medication, has issues dealing with rejection and abandonment.  She is in her early 30s.
 

During the winter holiday period she took a few weeks off to go see her family.  While there she met a guy at a party, a few years younger than her and who works as a fisherman.  According to her he's very much into outdoors activity like hunting and camping.  (From what she told me) They hit it off and fell madly in love (because according to her he claimed he fell in love with her at first sight at the party, couldn't keep his eyes off her, etc.) and spent several days together and immediately began talking about marriage and having kids.  She returns from her holidays, they spend a few months having a long distance relationship over the phone while he is somewhere in Alaska on a fishing boat.  They keep talking about marriage, kids, land, property. etc.  According to her he is super sensitive and in touch with his emotions, and etc.

 

A bit more than a week before her birthday, when she is supposed to be flying out to go spend time with him (about a 13+ hour flight and she has already booked time off from her work), he starts ignoring her messages and stops talking to her.  A few days later after he began doing that, while I'm meeting with her for drinks at a bar to catch up she gets a message from him on her phone.  He breaks up with her because according to him he can't handle the long distance relationship anymore.  She tries to call him, he hangs up on her and doesn't respond to her messages.

 

She decides to fly instead to her hometown and spend those days she booked for leave from work, with her family.  That week between the break message and her flying out to her hometown, she is acting like it's the end of the world for her, like her future is gone, wondering if he met someone else, etc., depressed and devastated.  One moment she wants to reconcile with him, another moment she is angry at him.

So she goes to her hometown instead, spends 4 days and suddenly decides to buy a ticket to Hawaii because he is there visiting his family at that time period.  They meet and reconcile and spend several days together.  He promises he won't do that and hurt her again.  She returns from her leave all cheery and happy again.

 

Less than a month later, she tells him she will take some time off again to go see him before he has to go back on the fishing boat and be at sea for several weeks.  He tells her don't come see him.  And maybe the next day or a couple of days later he breaks up with her again.

Now my friend doesn't want any of her family and most of her friends to know their relationship ended, again.  The first breakup, several of her friends were there watching over her and supporting her.  She wanted to write a letter to him asking him to explain his behavior, some of us thought she should be decisive and write in the tone that says something like "Ok, thanks, it was nice knowing you. I'm moving on." while other friends were supporting her desire to write a letter that was more emotional and telling him all the pain she is going through.

Now I feel like she is ashamed and afraid that people will say "Didn't we we tell you so." and "We knew it was a bad idea for you to go to him in Hawaii."

She seems to be desperately desiring a relationship, wants to have kids (sometimes she brings up her age), wants a fairy tale or romantic novel/movie type of relationship.

I'm getting a bit tired and frustrated with her seemingly self-pity.  The first time, I was there for her almost every day, trying to cheer her up, console her, support her.  This time, I could only do that for a few days before I sort of got fed up.  She doesn't want to move on or make a decision.  She avoids looking at her phone because he is in her contacts, messenger, whatsapp, etc. and she doesn't want to see his name.  But also when we suggest she block or move him to the ignore list, she doesn't want to do that either in case he contacts her.  One moment she says "FK him! A**hole" and another moment she is thinking about their time together.  She keeps asking me, when I'm there to support her, to use her phone to message her family and that's the only time she talks to her family.  So to help her I quietly add his name to ignore list (not permanent block) so she can talk to her family anytime she wants without having to see his name.

We tell her maybe she should do a physical activity like running or boxing or swimming laps or something where she needs to focus to take her mind off her breakup.  She says she will and then doesn't do it.

 

She wants me to ask any friend I know if they can hack into his phone.  She wants to know if he is suffering like her.  She wants to know if he met anyone else.

When she describes her relationship with that guy, her main points always seem to be the way he talks with her about marriage and having kids and the amount of times they were in bed.

Is this normal behavior for anyone who had a breakup?

[Ibanez343]

One the best pieces of advice I've ever received regarding relationships is "You have to be happy on your own before you can be happy in a relationship".  Co-dependency can be a lifelong burden if never properly dealt with, and even if it is it can easily come back in to play later on in a relationship.  I know you didn't ask for advice or what to tell her it's just what came to my mind reading the story.  

 

Hope your rant cleared your mind a bit, I feel your pain as the "nice guy" all the girls would complain to about their poor choices regarding relationships 

[LaFemmeEnVert]

4 minutes ago, Ibanez343 said:

One the best pieces of advice I've ever received regarding relationships is "You have to be happy on your own before you can be happy in a relationship".  Co-dependency can be a lifelong burden if never properly dealt with, and even if it is it can easily come back in to play later on in a relationship.  I know you didn't ask for advice or what to tell her it's just what came to my mind reading the story.  

 

Hope your rant cleared your mind a bit, I feel your pain as the "nice guy" all the girls would complain to about their poor choices regarding relationships 

what makes you think I'm a guy?  maybe I sound like a guy because I'm not like other women who are more emotional than rational.

 

I already told her what I thought, yesterday I told her the next time she calls me to spend time with her so she doesn't feel alone or abandoned she better be in a mood where she doesn't bring up his name or any thoughts about him every 5 seconds.  Also since I do some martial arts and I have some other friends who do mixed martial arts and work with guns, I asked her if she wanted him crippled, or dead.

[Ibanez343]

I assumed you were a girl, but as a guy I am not very good at communication . Sorry for the confusion I should have worded that last sentence better

[LaFemmeEnVert]

1 minute ago, Ibanez343 said:

I assumed you were a girl, but as a guy I am not very good at communication , sorry for the confusion 

I was just questioning your "nice guy" statement.

[SenKa]

Long distance relationships are hard, and I mean hard.

 

I am "only" a days drive from my girlfriend of 3 years, and there are times where its difficult.

 

Not many people are ready for it even if they think they are. The first red flag should always be moving too fast, and both your friend and this guy did exactly that,

[LaFemmeEnVert]

6 minutes ago, Ibanez343 said:

I assumed you were a girl, but as a guy I am not very good at communication . Sorry for the confusion I should have worded that last sentence better

as for poor choices people make regarding relationships... they wouldn't be making that many poor choices if they didn't keep falling for the same type of person, no?  Whether you're a man or woman, if you didn't keep dating the same type as the previous relationship maybe you'll make fewer poor choices.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

2 minutes ago, SenpaiKaplan said:

Long distance relationships are hard, and I mean hard.

 

I am "only" a days drive from my girlfriend of 3 years, and there are times where its difficult.

 

Not many people are ready for it even if they think they are. The first red flag should always be moving too fast, and both your friend and this guy did exactly that,

That was my thought exactly when she came back from her winter holiday period and mentioned her relationship the first time.  Of course I didn't voice it to her.

[SenKa]

3 hours ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

That was my thought exactly when she came back from her winter holiday period and mentioned her story the first time.  Of course I didn't voice it to her.

As difficult as it is, I know at the minimum that is what I would want.

 

Yeah, it'd suck and I'd probably be mad at first being told that I didn't know better. But, love is a bitch with a blindfold and I would come to realize it with a clear head after the initial anger subsided. What if's could be played until we die, but maybe a lesson learned for next time should it ever arrive?

[greenhorn]

I think I can understand how you feel. A friend of mine had similar experiences and every time we met, this guy was all she talked about to the point of our conversations becoming monologues of hers about this guy. It was clear to me he wasn't the right one for her but she kept thinking about him. In her case, I am sure she was not happy with herself so her lower than normal self esteem contributed to that tricky situation.

[Tristerin]

So...Ive seen this problem first hand.

 

He probably has a big willy and knows how to move the boat with the ocean if you catch my drift...chicks can fall in lust with that shit.  Couple that with a women SEEKING love - you can manipulate the F out of them if you are a douche like that.  So if he bonked her brains out as well shes going to be in lust with him for some time, till someone else gives her the big O.  Promise you.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

6 minutes ago, SenpaiKaplan said:

As difficult as it is, I know at the minimum that is what I would want.

 

Yeah, it'd suck and I'd probably be mad at first being told that I didn't know better. But, love is a bitch with a blindfold and I would come to realize it with a clear head after the initial anger subsided. What if's could be played until we die, but maybe a lesson learned for next time should it ever arrive?

I should have voice my opinion early on, or maybe not.  But I have come to observe that she doesn't listen to good advice and thinks she knows a lot.

 

For example, she wants to learn scuba diving.  I'm already a scuba diver for several years with advanced levels of training and experience, even to some technical levels.  Last year when those boys got trapped in a cave in Thailand, she was talking to me like she already knew a lot about scuba diving and how cave diving is risky and dangerous.  Not just to me, but also to another friend of mine who has already been a diver for 20 years and is an advanced instructor and is an experienced cave diver.  It's the same thing when she talks to me about my work as a camera operator and filmmaker, she talks to me as if she knows more about my job that I do.  Or to another friend who is a software developer.  She wants to create a database application for her work, she hires developers and during the meetings those developers talk and ask questions and explains things in a manner they are used to doing their job in order to clearly understand the client's requirements and write up development specifications, she thinks they are patronizing her.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

5 minutes ago, Tristerin said:

So...Ive seen this problem first hand.

 

He probably has a big willy and knows how to move the boat with the ocean if you catch my drift...chicks can fall in lust with that shit.  Couple that with a women SEEKING love - you can manipulate the F out of them if you are a douche like that.  So if he bonked her brains out as well shes going to be in lust with him for some time, till someone else gives her the big O.  Promise you.

I wouldn't bet against your statement as she has told me "being good in bed is the most important thing for her in a relationship".

 

7 minutes ago, greenhorn said:

I think I can understand how you feel. A friend of mine had similar experiences and every time we met, this guy was all she talked about to the point of our conversations becoming monologues of hers about this guy. It was clear to me he wasn't the right one for her but she kept thinking about him. In her case, I am sure she was not happy with herself so her lower than normal self esteem contributed to that tricky situation.

I think my friend also has low self esteem, to some degree.  She is always asking if she looks hot, is she wearing enough makeup, is any guy checking her out, etc.  Last Friday she said she was at a music club until 4 in the morning and she was having a fun time as a few guys were hitting on her and fighting over her.

[greenhorn]

2 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I should have voice my opinion early on, or maybe not.  But I have come to observe that she doesn't listen to good advice and thinks she knows a lot.

[...]

I have encountered some people who are just like that. Not everyone can take advice well. Some people have a tendency to be overconfident (pr in some cases paranoid) and therefore tend to reject your advice will some are rather insecure, ask for your advice, thank you for it and after a while you find out that person has asked so many people for advice and either taken someone else's advice or blended several people's advice into a very irrational course of action.
I have learned to avoid trying to change people who are like that.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

3 minutes ago, comander said:

She needs a treadmill, not a relationship. 

I'm dead serious. Exercise helps with depression and anxiety, often better than most drugs targeted at those. 

I totally agree, I tell her doing a physical activity like running, swimming, cycling, or even scuba diving if she is serious about learning that will help and that she shouldn't be so dependent on medication.  Her first recourse is always medicine.

When she liked my suggestion of swimming laps, she decides to buy a swimsuit.  We go to a sports outlet store and she rejects all the suits they had because they weren't pretty or fashionable.

Having trouble sleeping: she wants to take medication.

Anxiety: medication

 

She even asked her sister (during her trip back home after the first break up) to hook her up (not in a romantic sense) with a therapist who could prescribe medication and she came back with some bottles of pills.

[greenhorn]

4 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

I wouldn't bet against your statement as she has told me "being good in bed is the most important thing for her in a relationship".

 

I think my friend also has low self esteem, to some degree.  She is always asking if she looks hot, is she wearing enough makeup, is any guy checking her out, etc.  Last Friday she said she was at a music club until 4 in the morning and she was having a fun time as a few guys were hitting on her and fighting over her.

To me, that sounds like your friend is insecure and defines her "self worth" solely by the actions of the people around her. That can send someone on an emotional rollercoaster even when small things happen. Friends of that person can become afraid of doing something wrong and reduce the amount of contact.
As to her "relationships", I think that if she says being good in bed is the most important thing, she is missing out on a lot a really good relationship can potentially offer (by my definition at least). I hope she experiences such a good relationship soon so she can get a new perspective on that matter.

[greenhorn]

3 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

[...]
Having trouble sleeping: she wants to take medication.

Anxiety: medication

 

She even asked her sister (during her trip back home after the first break up) to hook her up (not in a romantic sense) with a therapist who could prescribe medication and she came back with some bottles of pills.

Ouch. I understand that the idea of having a "quick fix" might be very appealing, but it can go horribly wrong. I know people who have taken that type of medication and their experiences with that were not pretty. I am also hearing from pharmacists that more and more doctors are prescribing such medication without thinking too much about it, which is really worrying.

[Guest]

This is... i'm not sure what this is....

There are more people who would die for any kind of love....

sounds like she's hitting a mild depression of sorts, maybe she needs a specific type of guy for her evil scheme she's been brooding on for years ....

maybe there is a lot more going on then just this failure ....

As a friend its difficult to go on and on being all supportive if the recipient is turning you down...

I guess, if your unable to find a situation where you can cope with both her and your own feelings it is better maybe for you to get it out of your system for a couple of weeks and return freshned up again

 

[LaFemmeEnVert]

10 minutes ago, comander said:

If you're able to, phrase things as "let's talk over a walk" 

I try to do this as much as I can with her.  Sunday I went over before noon, had breakfast with her and then I convinced her to get out of her home and we went playing badminton the entire day.  Other times to distract her we play some cards or chess or other board games.

At those times she looks well and healthy, but after when she isn't distracted anymore and her mind wanders again about that guy, that's when it's slowly grinding away at my patience and tolerance.

Now we might not be friends anymore, she is angry at me for putting her guy in the ignore list of her contacts (I did it so she can look at her phone and talk to her family anytime without having to worry about seeing his name) and for asking her publicly if she wanted him crippled or dead (basically to encourage her to feel some anger to let out her frustrations).  I wasn't really going to harm him, unless he happened to come to where I live and cross my path.

 

4 minutes ago, Christiaan21-03 said:

I guess, if your unable to find a situation where you can cope with both her and your own feelings it is better maybe for you to get it out of your system for a couple of weeks and return freshned up again 

what I want to do is throw cold water on her

[greenhorn]

4 minutes ago, LaFemmeEnVert said:

INow we might not be friends anymore, she is angry at me for putting her guy in the ignore list of her contacts (I did it so she can look at her phone and talk to her family anytime without having to worry about seeing his name) and for asking her publicly if she wanted him crippled or dead (basically to encourage her to feel some anger to let out her frustrations).  I wasn't really going to harm him, unless he happened to come to where I live and cross my path.

Be careful with that. Such actions, even when taken with all the best intentions, can quickly ruin your friendship. I am guessing your friend doesn't think rationally when it comes to that guy. The only thing you could try to do in my opinion is to see if you can find out why she is feeling so insecure in the first place and help her to get over that root cause.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

10 minutes ago, greenhorn said:

Be careful with that. Such actions, even when taken with all the best intentions, can quickly ruin your friendship. I am guessing your friend doesn't think rationally when it comes to that guy. The only thing you could try to do in my opinion is to see if you can find out why she is feeling so insecure in the first place and help her to get over that root cause.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist so I'm not good at these things.  From what she told me about her life, some of her root causes are

• her mother dying when she was young
• her grandmother, who raised her after her mother died, also dying
• her father remarrying (not exactly sure) after leaving her mother or after she passed away, and him never really understood or supported her
• her estrangement with her older twin sister, though they seemed to have reconciled now

I don't know how to help resolve these causes other than to say stuff like just because her mom and grandmother died doesn't mean they abandoned her or didn't love her.  I'm not a professional.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

6 minutes ago, Mr. horse said:

also being someone that has spent a grate bit of time with a girl

How well can you get to know someone within the span of about maximum 20 days where you and the other person are in the same location together and the rest is talking over the phone or chatting?

I don't even follow the 3 date rule before getting into bed with someone.  I want to know someone very well in person first, sometimes it takes weeks, months, maybe years.

According to her, she has two very good friends.  Me and another person.  Both of us are of the same mind that she should've forgotten him after the first breakup and not follow him to Hawaii.  But her other friends were more catering to what she wanted which was basically to see if she could work things out with him again.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

I have a question to female members of this forum if they are seeing my post or to the male members who have wives, girlfriend, lovers to ask their significant others what their views are: if it’s normal for people to suffer like this after a breakup and to keep focusing over their guy/girl like that’s the only thing on their mind or it’s the end of the world for them?

 

Sorry, I never had a relationship end like this so I don’t know.

[LaFemmeEnVert]

1 minute ago, Mr. horse said:

Not very well in my opinion. It takes time to truly know someone. 

Im the same way, but to a further extent. 

My view is the only way to really know someone is to put them in a life or death situation and see how they behave

1 minute ago, Mr. horse said:

 I would agree with you. Wile it will likely be extremely hard for her to forget him. It would likely do her good in the long run if he can't get gis act together and keeps dumping her.

Yeah she needs to build up some immunity or tolerance.  She needs some tough love from some of her friends, and not just comfort and sympathy.

[orbitalbuzzsaw]

See this is why I just... don't.