Am I in the wrong?

[Radioactive Snowman]

Hi guys,

 

So I'm having a bit of a dilemma at the minute and I could do with some outside opinions. 

 

The situation is, I've been with my gf about 3 and a half years and in that time I've been pretty stupid with money and I have basically no savings (I have started fixing this but it'll be a while before I've anything substantial). My girlfriend wants us to move out together because she is unhappy at home. The issue is I am in a 0 hour contract at my job (means I can be fired at a moments notice)  and she doesn't work so she has very little income. I told her that moving out was a bad idea because we couldn't afford it yet and she could move in with me until we save to get a place together and she finds a job. 

 

She was furious with me and stopped talking to me (this was last night she still hasn't spoke to me).

 

Am I in the wrong for thinking this way? I just think its pointless throwing away money at rent when we could save for 2 or 3 years to buy our own house we would be much happier in. 

[mr moose]

Are you living with your parents?  If so then yes, you made the mistake. 

 

As much sense as it makes from a financial point of view, from a nesting/independent/relational growth perspective, it is moving in with your parents.

[Radioactive Snowman]

Just now, mr moose said:

Are you living with your parents?  If so then yes, you made the mistake. 

 

As much sense as it makes from a financial point of view, from a nesting/independent/relational growth perspective, it is moving in with your parents.

Yes I am, its pretty common here to do it instead of renting while saving for a mortgage so you arent wasting money. I realise it wouldnt be the most ideal but it would be temporary and I dont see it being any worse than getting an apartment and not being able to pay for it

[mr moose]

Just now, Radioactive Snowman said:

Yes I am, its pretty common here to do it instead of renting while saving for a mortgage so you arent wasting money. I realise it wouldnt be the most ideal but it would be temporary and I dont see it being any worse than getting an apartment and not being able to pay for it

No, your right  about it not being worse, but only from a financial perspective.  You see some people just don't care that much about financial risks but the thought of living with your partners parents can be enough to risk bankruptcy.

 

 

[Radioactive Snowman]

6 minutes ago, mr moose said:

No, your right  about it not being worse, but only from a financial perspective.  You see some people just don't care that much about financial risks but the thought of living with your partners parents can be enough to risk bankruptcy.

 

 

I can understand that, I'm just trying to think of the bigger picture. I know 3 years can be a long time but I think the outcome would be far better than a lifetime of struggling, the rent on this apartment is more than most mortgages and it would be the equivalent of living in a dungeon.

 

Her dream is a log cabin near her parents house with enough space for kids and big dogs, I just want to make that happen

[LAwLz]

I don't know much about your relationship but I'd say you are in the right here.

Finding a place to live and moving in together when only one of you have a job, one with little to no security at that, is not a good idea. I don't know how the conversation went, but it seems pretty childish to give you the silence treatment if all you said was "we should fix our financial situation first before bringing on additional expenses" or something along those lines.

[Radioactive Snowman]

5 minutes ago, LAwLz said:

I don't know much about your relationship but I'd say you are in the right here.

Finding a place to live and moving in together when only one of you have a job, one with little to no security at that, is not a good idea. I don't know how the conversation went, but it seems pretty childish to give you the silence treatment if all you said was "we should fix our financial situation first before bringing on additional expenses" or something along those lines.

The conversation went down like a house on fire, I can understand her reasons for wanting to leave home which I wont go into but those are being resolved.

 

I spent all morning researching log cabins and buying a site, we could do it in 3 years if we stick to a budget. I think working towards that would be a much better idea than wasting the money on a crappy apartment in my local town (she lives about 45 mins away in a much nicer area)

[mr moose]

1 minute ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

The conversation went down like a house on fire, I can understand her reasons for wanting to leave home which I wont go into but those are being resolved.

 

I spent all morning researching log cabins and buying a site, we could do it in 3 years if we stick to a budget. I think working towards that would be a much better idea than wasting the money on a crappy apartment in my local town (she lives about 45 mins away in a much nicer area)

Sounds to me like she wants independence, not financial security.   

 

EDIT: by the way, don't treat this like are right/wrong situation.  That can lead to further animosity later on.  It's best to think of it as just different needs and motivations to the same end result.    It's just for whatever reason it seems being able to maintain it is secondary to her main goal. 

[Radioactive Snowman]

7 minutes ago, mr moose said:

Sounds to me like she wants independence, not financial security.   

 

EDIT: by the way, don't treat this like are right/wrong situation.  That can lead to further animosity later on.  It's best to think of it as just different needs and motivations to the same end result.    It's just for whatever reason it seems being able to maintain it is secondary to her main goal. 

I just dont know how to make her happy now while also saving for the future we both want. It doesnt seem possible

[Radioactive Snowman]

16 minutes ago, Arika S said:

without knowing your relationship or the history it's very hard to make a judgement based on a single interaction.

 

Does she know you have no savings?

why doesn't she work? Is she looking for a job?

 

Yes she knows, she is looking for a job but has had no success yet

[Teddy07]

Yes you are wrong for having a girlfriend in the first place. You are an adult and don't have to be told anything.

[Radioactive Snowman]

3 minutes ago, Quibiss said:

What kind of statement is that? You do know that even adults need to get told something now and then, right? 

@OP Sometimes it's better to give your partner a little bit of time, you both can reflect on what happened, and might come to an agreement (which I wish you the best for of course).

Thank you, I'm working on a plan for the log cabin. I'm hoping that might bring her on side to see things from my perspective

[WereCatf]

1 hour ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

Am I in the wrong for thinking this way?

Neither of you is wrong, IMHO, it's just different ways of seeing things and prioritizing things. Waiting some time and buying one's own property is a good idea, but at the same time, three years is a long time.

[Radioactive Snowman]

3 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

Neither of you is wrong, IMHO, it's just different ways of seeing things and prioritizing things. Waiting some time and buying one's own property is a good idea, but at the same time, three years is a long time.

I'm 22, she is 21. Owning your own property in your mid 20's would be worth the 3 years though I think

[WereCatf]

1 minute ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

I'm 22, she is 21. Owning your own property in your mid 20's would be worth the 3 years though I think

I do not disagree with you. I'm way older than you and I just got my own home last year and I am absolutely loving the fuck out of it -- would have been even more fantastic to have gotten it at 25 or so! That said, personally, I wouldn't have had the patience to wait three years as I get so much enjoyment and comfort out of living together with my hubby, so I also understand your girlfriend there as well.

 

I think waiting and buying your own property would be the most prudent option, but I'm not sure if it would be worth ruining a relationship for, so I hope you two can come to some solution.

[Radioactive Snowman]

3 minutes ago, WereCatf said:

I do not disagree with you. I'm way older than you and I just got my own home last year and I am absolutely loving the fuck out of it -- would have been even more fantastic to have gotten it at 25 or so! That said, personally, I wouldn't have had the patience to wait three years as I get so much enjoyment and comfort out of living together with my hubby, so I also understand your girlfriend there as well.

 

I think waiting and buying your own property would be the most prudent option, but I'm not sure if it would be worth ruining a relationship for, so I hope you two can come to some solution.

I can see it from her point of view, I would love to move out today if I could its just the issue of not being able to comfortably afford it

[wasab]

In my culture, house is a prerequisite for any marriage. 

[Radioactive Snowman]

6 minutes ago, wasab said:

In my culture, house is a prerequisite for any marriage. 

Neither of us believe in marriage.

[wasab]

1 minute ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

Neither of us believe in marriage.

No marriage means illegitimate. 

[Radioactive Snowman]

4 minutes ago, wasab said:

No marriage means illegitimate. 

Means what is illegitmate?

[Dedayog]

4 hours ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

Yes I am, its pretty common here to do it instead of renting while saving for a mortgage so you arent wasting money. I realise it wouldnt be the most ideal but it would be temporary and I dont see it being any worse than getting an apartment and not being able to pay for it

You realize that renting isn't wasting money, right?  When you buy a house, you'll realize that it's not the holy grail of living.  

 

Renting is a perfectly viable way to live.  Do the math.  Math don't lie

 

Wasab is archaic, ignore that retarded way of thinking.

 

I wouldn't think she doesn't have a leg to stand on, since she isn't working and has no job and expects you to front all the money for the moving out she wants.  I'd tell her to cool her ass about it and make her aware of your plans to save money, rebuild/build credit, etc.  

 

Then again, 3.5 years of dating, she's most likely just antsy to move on to another stage of the relationship. But she has to understand all aspects of your situations.  If she wants to move out of her parent's house so badly, maybe she can get a job, work, and then rent a small place til you can buy a house?

 

I don't know, guess I am old fashioned about people actually affecting change in their lives and not relying on others

 

[wasab]

8 minutes ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

Means what is illegitmate?

Your family if you ever have children. 

 

Your children will be borne out of wedlocks too as well as illegitimate.

[Radioactive Snowman]

2 minutes ago, jstudrawa said:

You realize that renting isn't wasting money, right?  When you buy a house, you'll realize that it's not the holy grail of living.  

 

Renting is a perfectly viable way to live.  Do the math.  Math don't lie

 

Penguin is archaic, ignore that retarded way of thinking.

 

I wouldn't think she doesn't have a leg to stand on, since she isn't working and has no job and expects you to front all the money for the moving out she wants.  I'd tell her to cool her ass about it and make her aware of your plans to save money, rebuild/build credit, etc.  

 

Then again, 3.5 years of dating, she's most likely just antsy to move on to another stage of the relationship. But she has to understand all aspects of your situations.  If she wants to move out of her parent's house so badly, maybe she can get a job, work, and then rent a small place til you can buy a house?

 

I don't know, guess I am old fashioned about people actually affecting change in their lives and not relying on others

 

Irish people put a lot of emphasis on owning their own property instead of renting, maybe its an old fashioned way of thinking but its always been that way from what I remember. With renting you are just lining the pockets of your landlord with no possibility of ever owning the place, at least with a mortgage once you have it paid off the house is yours and no one can take it off you or kick you out of it.

 

I understand her wanting to move on to the next stage, I do as well but its not viable at the moment. One thing I left out is my parents depend on me paying a couple bills because my dad is out of work sick almost a year now. 

 

Her getting a place on  her own wouldn't really be possible here either without a very good job, rent is expensive where we live and thats putting it lightly

[Radioactive Snowman]

5 minutes ago, wasab said:

Your family if you ever have children. 

 

Your children will be borne out of wedlocks too as well as illegitimate.

Yeah.. that doesnt bother me. Thats an outdated way of thinking and doesnt bear any weight in modern society, at least where I'm from.

[wasab]

3 minutes ago, Radioactive Snowman said:

Yeah.. that doesnt bother me. Thats an outdated way of thinking and doesnt bear any weight in modern society, at least where I'm from.

Marriage is more than just cultural and societal, there is legal consequence as well. 

 

At least do it for tax purposes if not for anything else. Single pay shit loads of income taxes.