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[MyLittleFella]

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[Skiiwee29]

A tech forum is probably not the best place to get advice on relationships. 

[MyLittleFella]

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[Tristerin]

The only advice I can give you is this - stop taking offense.  

 

I personally do not respond to texts for up to 30 days sometimes.  I forget, and its not htat people are not important but I have to prioritize and complete MANY MANY things a day, and sometimes those things have to take a back burner.  Especially if its just random conversation.  

 

And I explain this to people with - you know where to find me, lets hold a real conversation, not some text BS!

 

I also dont answer the phone so yea, Im one of those bad friends.  Unless its an emergency!  But anymore my friends know not to call unless its an emergency so I will pick up for them.

[Radium_Angel]

Texting is great because it allows the recipient to respond back when it's convenient for them. In other words, have patience.

[lewdicrous]

9 minutes ago, MyLittleFella said:

taking like 12 hours to respond is kinda f*cked up.

No, it's not.

As mentioned above, be patient.

 

People have their own lives, they're busy with their own things. Find something else to do while y'all aren't talking.

[Alder Lake]

36 minutes ago, MyLittleFella said:

The title pretty much sums it up. I have a friend and I really like her (as friends). She has a long distantance relationship w/ her GF and they gonna spend a few months together now. I understand she won't have the same thime as she used to, I mean, that's normal. But d*mn, taking like 12 hours to respond is kinda f*cked up. I mean, I've always been there for her, and now I feel like stupid coming after her. Sometimes even angry. I have self-steem problems so I don't know how much I'm right and how much it's the self-steem talking.

 

Anyhow, it goes a lot deeper than that, but what I said so far pretty much says it all. What should I do here?

take this from a guy who has never had a girlfriend, or ever even tried to, and is giving you advice based on what they consider "common sense"

 

if you want to have a relationship work out, you can't be impatient or needy, or anything of the sort, if she is the one you're after, you have to remember that she's the Sun and you're the Earth, you can't expect her to move for you. If she's nice and pretty, she has a dozen other planets and hundreds of... smaller planets orbiting her. Occasionally one may come too close and get crushed or disintegrated, or another one may get flung out of the system, you need to be sure not to let that happen, but rushing things makes you more clumsy, and more likely to make mistakes. You need to try your best to respect her and her opinions, and not ever make her feel rushed or pressured, you want her to be at the center, and for you to be the one having to move around. This doesn't mean you need to be a "simp," as that will make you seem like a creep, and in that case you're gone, if you want more info on what to avoid, check this out https://manofmany.com/lifestyle/what-is-a-simp

 

 

that's about all I have to say, good luck

[Hairless Monkey Boy]

It isn't healthy for you to feel stupid and angry about this. You need to figure out how to deal with your negative feelings in a healthy way. Maybe talk to a therapist.

[Jeskspie]

Wot

[BuckGup]

I would seek medical help like a counselor to help yourself out. As for the original post it's extremely entitled, needy, and selfish to demand someone to respond faster to your texts. She's not contractually obligated to say anything to you whatsoever to begin with. I would take the hint and move on bro

[Yoinkerman]

You should get over yourself and realize other people are other people and have their life to live, not cater to your whims

[CT854]

2 hours ago, MyLittleFella said:

I mean, that's normal. But d*mn, taking like 12 hours to respond is kinda f*cked up. I mean, I've always been there for her, and now I feel like stupid coming after her. Sometimes even angry. I have self-steem problems so I don't know how much I'm right and how much it's the self-steem talking.

Yeah, this is the heart of the issue.

 

12 hours is normal. I sometimes don't respond to people for days. As I moved further into adulthood I realized that the hyperquick response times I got used to in high school and the like was just a luxury of being youthful and not having that much else to worry about.

 

Some people are by their phones because their lives revolve around their tech. Others, aren't, because theirs don't. That's fine. I'm busy with my life, so I haven't responded to some of my best friends for days or even weeks since I have my own life to deal with.

 

What's more productive is focusing on why this is bothering you so much. "Why do I feel the need to have this person respond so quickly to me?" "Why do I take a delay as a hit to my self-esteem?" "How do I get this to not bother me as much?" Maybe there aren't clear cut answers since, unlike how some others are suggesting, there isn't an easy way to just "get over" it if there are deep-seated issues that need to be sorted out. But consider speaking with a counselor or therapist to help you sort through these feelings and help you come to a solution that makes you (and everyone else) happy..

[dalekphalm]

2 hours ago, MyLittleFella said:

The title pretty much sums it up. I have a friend and I really like her (as friends). She has a long distantance relationship w/ her GF and they gonna spend a few months together now. I understand she won't have the same thime as she used to, I mean, that's normal. But d*mn, taking like 12 hours to respond is kinda f*cked up. I mean, I've always been there for her, and now I feel like stupid coming after her. Sometimes even angry. I have self-steem problems so I don't know how much I'm right and how much it's the self-steem talking.

 

Anyhow, it goes a lot deeper than that, but what I said so far pretty much says it all. What should I do here?

You should understand that people - even your good (or best) friends - have lives. They will respond when they can or want.

 

If that's not a quick enough response time for your emotional needs, you need to decide whether this is a friendship you're willing to adapt for.

 

Also, I assume you're a guy - you say you like her as a friend, but is there more to it then that? Are you jealous of her gf?

 

You need to take a step back and make sure you're not being clingy or too overbearing as a friend.

[LAwLz]

15 hours ago, MyLittleFella said:

I have a friend and I really like her (as friends)

I don't believe the "as friends" part for one second.

[Mojo-Jojo]

I get it. I've been on the receiving end of having to wait for a reply too. And when you're into somebody, and you don't have much else going on, it can suck. Bad. If you have low self-esteem, that doesn't help either. Sometimes you can feel insignificant enough to just want to fade out of existence. I've been there. My advise: find something else to put your focus on. Easier said than done, I know. For me it was when I started jogging, tennis, and taking college seriously that I started feeling much better about myself.

 

Nowadays I have a kid, full-time job and a few hobbies that keep me busy. I can take up to literal weeks to respond these days. So as that guy: don't take offense. Sometimes I respond in my head, but forget to actually go and type the message. Sometimes I need the down-time to mentally charge.

 

Not getting a response doesn't mean you don't matter to people. Some people just feel less attached to their phone/digital communication.

[mwagen]

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I don't think there's a good excuse for taking days to respond to a text. It's a form of communication that takes very little effort imo. Are you really that busy that you can't spare 30 seconds to shoot a message back? If you have any respect for somebody then you'll respond in a timely manner.

 

But when it comes to a girl that you like who is always taking a long time to respond then you just have to accept that she's not into you. I know this from experience from both perspectives, believe it or not. I've put off responding to girls' texts because it takes longer to come up with something to say when I'm just not interested anymore or to figure out a polite way to say that I've hit a dead end. But I'll always at least try to convey that instead of just leaving her hanging and wondering. I think most girls are simply afraid of a possible confrontation so their strategy is to simply stop responding, which I know can seem horribly rude but there's nothing you can do about it but forget her and move on with your life.

[xAcid9]

Imo, depend on how close you're as friend.  She probably doesn't feel like you're that close of a friend to her so I suggest just move on. 

[lewdicrous]

A quote from a video that I'm currently watching.

Quote

In healthy relationships, people don’t try to trap each other with guilt, obligation, or debt.

 

[dalekphalm]

6 hours ago, r821e228 said:

Well dude you are on the LTT forum, we are not exactly women magnets

Speak for yourself - I know a lot of the forum users have the "I'm a neckbeard and I've never had a gf" reputation, but plenty of us are pretty regular adults that have had many past relationships. I'm married, for example.

6 hours ago, r821e228 said:

- So from my point of view, you have some incel-like issues

I definitely agree with you here - the OP seems to have an unhealthy view of their female friend.

6 hours ago, r821e228 said:

(I do too) and are a nerd, those are ingredients for a recipe of disaster - Change your ways for a healthier lifestyle and sail out for other women, they are just as thirsty of love as you.

Good advice.

 

Remember folks, just because you've never had a gf or a girl like you, or you've had bad experiences - don't let that blind you or make you bitter about the opposite sex.

[dalekphalm]

5 hours ago, mwagen said:

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I don't think there's a good excuse for taking days to respond to a text. It's a form of communication that takes very little effort imo. Are you really that busy that you can't spare 30 seconds to shoot a message back? If you have any respect for somebody then you'll respond in a timely manner.

I disagree - sometimes life just takes ahold of people, particularly when they're in a very busy or hectic timeframe.

 

Yes it's nice to be timely with your responses, but ultimately, unless it has to do with an obligation like a job or a significant other, where you *cannot* take too long to reply?

 

It's not disrespectful. Different people are different, and they have different priorities. There are for sure times where I take longer than a day to reply to a message - sometimes a lot longer.

 

Sometimes that's because I'm just busy and didn't get around to it. Sometimes I forgot. Sometimes I just couldn't be bothered. There are lots of reasons and many of them are valid.

5 hours ago, mwagen said:

But when it comes to a girl that you like who is always taking a long time to respond then you just have to accept that she's not into you. I know this from experience from both perspectives, believe it or not. I've put off responding to girls' texts because it takes longer to come up with something to say when I'm just not interested anymore or to figure out a polite way to say that I've hit a dead end. But I'll always at least try to convey that instead of just leaving her hanging and wondering. I think most girls are simply afraid of a possible confrontation so their strategy is to simply stop responding, which I know can seem horribly rude but there's nothing you can do about it but forget her and move on with your life.

I agree with your overall sentiment here.

[Arika]

Without knowing the context of the messages it may very well be entirely intentional. I've had "friends" like you, that constantly would message me in attempts to develop a relationship with me. When the messages got a bit too flirty, I would do the same thing she's doing and delay my responses in an attempt to show in not interested in them like that.  Honestly I hate using the cliche "um I have a boyfriend". So it's a less awkward way of letting you down. 

 

Something I've noticed a lot about people on the internet, is that if you only have one female friend, you're going to inevitably develop feelings for her because she's the only one you talk to,  however please keep something very important in mind, and this goes for everyone, not just OP:

 

Do not mistake kindness, for affection.

[dalekphalm]

14 minutes ago, Arika S said:

Without knowing the context of the messages it may very well be entirely intentional. I've had "friends" like you, that constantly would message me in attempts to develop a relationship with me. When the messages got a bit too flirty, I would do the same thing she's doing and delay my responses in an attempt to show in not interested in them like that.  Honestly I hate using the cliche "um I have a boyfriend". So is a less awkward way of letting you down. 

 

Something I've noticed a lot about people on the internet, is that if you only have one female friend, you're going to inevitably develop feelings for her because she's the only one you talk to,  however please keep something very important in mind, and this goes for everyone, not just OP:

 

Do not mistake kindness, for affection.

A whole lot of this^

[Falkentyne]

14 minutes ago, Caroline said:

why delay the replies though? I'd just spit it out at once and say I'm not interested instead of playing with the guy's heart like that

But what do I know, I scared shitless the last guy who tried to be my bf by talking about torture methods and showed him my knives, he said he liked dangerous things so I thought it'd be a good idea.

 

I agree.  My personal opinion is you shouldn't play with people's emotions online.  I feel it's very cruel to string people along, especially when they may already have other emotional issues and demons they're fighting.  If you intentionally ghost a person, they might have to deal with worry and uncertainty for months, before they finally 'get that you aren't interested in them', then they'll either delete you when they realize it, or they'll sternly confront you about it.

 

It's much better to just spill the beans instantly.  Let them know where you stand.  Sure, you may hurt them hard right away, but if you do that, at least BOTH of you get it over with and they can start healing and moving on sooner.  In the end, you wind up hurting them a lot less and you save THEM and yourself time also.

 

Most people here seem to only be thinking of themselves and their own feelings.  Not about how you are affecting the second person.

[Arika]

31 minutes ago, Caroline said:

why delay the replies though? I'd just spit it out at once and say I'm not interested instead of playing with the guy's heart like that

7 minutes ago, Falkentyne said:

I feel it's very cruel to string people along, especially when they may already have other emotional issues and demons they're fighting

 

Sorry, maybe you've both misunderstood. I make it very apparent to people that i'm already taken, I don't respond to advances with "i already have a boyfriend" because all i can think of is the stupid cliche were the woman comes off as a bitch in the way she says it. If someone can't take the, quite frankly, colossal hint, of "i'm taken" and "i'm not responding to every attempt at flirtation within minutes" as "i'm not interested in pursuing a potential romantic interest with you" then i cannot help them anyway.

 

I don't mislead people into thinking they can get with me, so it's not "playing with their heart" or "stringing them along", it's a soft let down instead of an abrupt and harsh, potentially distasteful one.

 

The person on the receiving end (in my case, me, in OPs case, the woman) may also have emotional issues and "demons". Hence why I use the methods I do.

 

 

[Quackers101]

Most we could do is,

"Have you tried turning it ON and OFF, did this help your problem?"