Sometimes games and technology are more than just a hobby.

[Calranthe]

I think we all had that moment in our lives when we have a bad day or week, we get home sit in front of our PC/Console and relax with our favourite game and after a few quests or blowing things up with friends, life doesn't seem so bad.

 

In March 2019 I was having a "bad day"

After fighting my wife's illness along side her for 20 years watching the medication that kept her alive slowly destroy her body we lost the fight in November of 2018 3 days after my birthday, not only was I broken apart by grief but also (undiagnosed at the time) Higher functioning Autism, Bi-polar type 2, ADHD and soon to come PTSD, the disability payments that helped pay the bills (my own issues meaning a full time job was impossible) were stopped the day she died, income went from 1300 to 500 per month, in one day without notice, mum finally entered end stage dementia and 7 days after my Wife died I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, spent Christmas of 2018 in hospital (same hospital my wife died 5 weeks before) having 40% of my Bowels removed, no cure for me either, CT scan every 6 months and blood works just because I developed nodules in my lungs which could go either way.

 

3 months later and no family visit, 5 consultants trying to keep me alive as quite rationally I didn't see the point of going on especially with PTSD kicking in which meant I had the happy fun addon of experiencing my Wife's death 3-6 times a day every day in full colour and sound while I rolled into a ball on the floor.

 

Pretty much a sucky day lasting 20 odd years with the last 30 mins being the worse.

 

No one would have blamed me for ending it, there is only so many days you can experience the death of your loved on before it wears you down to nothing especially with almost no support except  a few online friends keeping an eye on me.

 

March came around and I started to say goodbye to everyone, Doctors had me on suicide watch, Samaritans actually rang me each week to see if I was still alive, I had a plan and my last act was going to be watching End game then have my own end game.

 

My last act was going to be loading up all my Wife's and mine favourite games, the ones we played together, just take a last walk about, visit all the places we did.

 

Days away from the end I logged on to The Division and as I closed the client it came up with an advertisement for The Division 2, had nothing to loose nothing to do that night, so I bought the ultimate edition and logged in curious to see what changes they had made to a favourite game of ours in the sequel.

 

Something amazing happened, the next morning when I woke, I had the urge to log back on.

 

I did  a post on reddit that blew up when I thanked the developers for saving my live.

 

Well that post and the amazing support given to me, people convinced me to vlog and stream because even though I was enjoying TD2 it was triggering my ptsd and other issues badly.

But something about being online, about being focused on a camera actually helped.

I bought my first webcam and mic on the 23rd March 2019.

 

My consultants and Sr psychologist stopped expecting me to be dead by the next visits, I went down from Five different people to one and he wants to come visit me after covid to co-write a paper on using technology and games as an alternative therapy to medication and hospital stay.

 

Just over two years later, yes I may end up stuck in this house for the rest of my life but I am still here, todays streams and vlogs will take the count up to 2940 videos, oh I will always be a very minor person on Youtube and Twitch, 1050 people following me on YT 1200 on Twitch, but it doesn't even matter if no one watches one of my streams or vlogs they still get uploaded and someone will watch them one day. my content is uncut, unedited and very raw (my version of autism means I have no filter between my brain and mouth) on the plus side a few people seem to like my honesty and willingness to talk about anything, as I put it, what is the point in telling you I am having a good day if you don't get to know when I am wrecked and having a bad day, I variety stream because my brain can't lock into one game, and even if I have 500 hours in a game, I can still forget how to shoot or access inventory multiple times a game.

 

And some of the amazing things is when someone leaves a comment on a video letting me know I inspired them, when I do a live cooking video and someone says "hi I'm going to make this for a girl I like" or "after your talk about what really matters in life I won't be on tonight, taking my mum to the cinema"

 

If I have a really bad time then VR helps also.

 

Currently going through some "issues" but things will work out.

 

For some of us with disabilities, mental issues and other problems gaming and technology is more than a hobby, it is life support and I wouldn't be here without it. 

 

If anyone wants to know more about this or how specific types of technology or games help in different ways feel free to ask talking about these things is good.

 

 

 

 

[Tom09]

It really shows how well things can take your mind off things like that 

[thrasher_565]

7 hours ago, Calranthe said:

I think we all had that moment in our lives when we have a bad day or week, we get home sit in front of our PC/Console and relax with our favourite game and after a few quests or blowing things up with friends, life doesn't seem so bad.

 

In March 2019 I was having a "bad day"

After fighting my wife's illness along side her for 20 years watching the medication that kept her alive slowly destroy her body we lost the fight in November of 2018 3 days after my birthday, not only was I broken apart by grief but also (undiagnosed at the time) Higher functioning Autism, Bi-polar type 2, ADHD and soon to come PTSD, the disability payments that helped pay the bills (my own issues meaning a full time job was impossible) were stopped the day she died, income went from 1300 to 500 per month, in one day without notice, mum finally entered end stage dementia and 7 days after my Wife died I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, spent Christmas of 2018 in hospital (same hospital my wife died 5 weeks before) having 40% of my Bowels removed, no cure for me either, CT scan every 6 months and blood works just because I developed nodules in my lungs which could go either way.

 

3 months later and no family visit, 5 consultants trying to keep me alive as quite rationally I didn't see the point of going on especially with PTSD kicking in which meant I had the happy fun addon of experiencing my Wife's death 3-6 times a day every day in full colour and sound while I rolled into a ball on the floor.

 

Pretty much a sucky day lasting 20 odd years with the last 30 mins being the worse.

 

No one would have blamed me for ending it, there is only so many days you can experience the death of your loved on before it wears you down to nothing especially with almost no support except  a few online friends keeping an eye on me.

 

March came around and I started to say goodbye to everyone, Doctors had me on suicide watch, Samaritans actually rang me each week to see if I was still alive, I had a plan and my last act was going to be watching End game then have my own end game.

 

My last act was going to be loading up all my Wife's and mine favourite games, the ones we played together, just take a last walk about, visit all the places we did.

 

Days away from the end I logged on to The Division and as I closed the client it came up with an advertisement for The Division 2, had nothing to loose nothing to do that night, so I bought the ultimate edition and logged in curious to see what changes they had made to a favourite game of ours in the sequel.

 

Something amazing happened, the next morning when I woke, I had the urge to log back on.

 

I did  a post on reddit that blew up when I thanked the developers for saving my live.

 

Well that post and the amazing support given to me, people convinced me to vlog and stream because even though I was enjoying TD2 it was triggering my ptsd and other issues badly.

But something about being online, about being focused on a camera actually helped.

I bought my first webcam and mic on the 23rd March 2019.

 

My consultants and Sr psychologist stopped expecting me to be dead by the next visits, I went down from Five different people to one and he wants to come visit me after covid to co-write a paper on using technology and games as an alternative therapy to medication and hospital stay.

 

Just over two years later, yes I may end up stuck in this house for the rest of my life but I am still here, todays streams and vlogs will take the count up to 2940 videos, oh I will always be a very minor person on Youtube and Twitch, 1050 people following me on YT 1200 on Twitch, but it doesn't even matter if no one watches one of my streams or vlogs they still get uploaded and someone will watch them one day. my content is uncut, unedited and very raw (my version of autism means I have no filter between my brain and mouth) on the plus side a few people seem to like my honesty and willingness to talk about anything, as I put it, what is the point in telling you I am having a good day if you don't get to know when I am wrecked and having a bad day, I variety stream because my brain can't lock into one game, and even if I have 500 hours in a game, I can still forget how to shoot or access inventory multiple times a game.

 

And some of the amazing things is when someone leaves a comment on a video letting me know I inspired them, when I do a live cooking video and someone says "hi I'm going to make this for a girl I like" or "after your talk about what really matters in life I won't be on tonight, taking my mum to the cinema"

 

If I have a really bad time then VR helps also.

 

Currently going through some "issues" but things will work out.

 

For some of us with disabilities, mental issues and other problems gaming and technology is more than a hobby, it is life support and I wouldn't be here without it. 

 

If anyone wants to know more about this or how specific types of technology or games help in different ways feel free to ask talking about these things is good.

 

 

 

 

dam good writing for having disabilities imo way better then what i can do...

 

a wise guy said to me one day you cant be happy and sad at the same time so pick one. its a chose to be sad.

[Calranthe]

5 hours ago, thrasher_565 said:

dam good writing for having disabilities imo way better then what i can do...

 

a wise guy said to me one day you cant be happy and sad at the same time so pick one. its a chose to be sad.

Bi-polar type 2 means I am depressed nearly all the time, my brain lives in that state, with lower spikes into deep depression and higher spikes into hectic mania style hyperness, my PTSD is usually triggered by thoughts of my Wife's death and how I didn't cure her or save her (completely irrational but not everything is logical) my ADHD latches on to a thought "you watched your wife die" "you could have done more" and won't let go of it which triggers PTSD which if I am at a low point via depressed and empty (everything is grey with no colour) Bi-polar can all work itself into a perfect storm of you are fcuked.

 

Then we come to my Higher functioning autistic nature which means yes "I write gud!" I have a 98% problem solving ability (didn't help me cure my wife) test depending on the type, which unfortunately is fuelled by the above conditions. a perfect storm of conditions that by all rights should end up with me heavily medicated or in a long stay unit.

 

So yes I built a briefcase computer in 6 hours, I built my own online game in 1998 so my wife had a safe place to play, (it still runs today on a server in my bedroom and a few people around the world play it) I self taught and built a backyard solar project which gave backup power to her stair lift and since 2016 has charged my laptop, game controllers and tablets/phones. I learnt so much about Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia with Philadelphia chromosome positive (the disease killing my wife slowly) that I was consulted on my Wife's treatment and when my Wife went into hospital for treatment, I was classed as hospital support one, when her kidneys failed and dialysis began, home based peritoneal dialysis, we used an adaptive program on a specific machine that the hospital wasn't trained on so I came in to hospital at 6am each day and left at 9pm dealt with all the ordering of new liquids and keeping 3 different departments informed.

 

But that little voice inside with a really big hammer tells me I never saved her. 

 

Sorry to say your "wise guy" doesn't know shite

 

Using technology I can mitigate most of what I have.

 

Vlogging and streaming on a base level focus my brain and distract it by the camera.

 

Gaming on stream with people watching or may watch mitigate and keep me on one subject, engaging my brain. multiple different games and subject matter.

 

Turning on an audio book on audible the moment I turn off the stream or vlog once again keeps my mind distracted.

 

So on and so forth.

 

Unfortunately like with most mental issues of these kinds, I look kind of normal just a little off the wall.

 

[artuc]

7 hours ago, Calranthe said:

Using technology I can mitigate most of what I have.

I'm glad you are able to treat your issues with tech but...

 

7 hours ago, Calranthe said:

once again keeps my mind distracted

 

This concerns me in that you are using the tech as a distraction or escape from reality. Completely understandable given what you have been through. I struggle with much less. However I'm concerned if you were to somehow lose that escape and distraction. I find personally that it can be bad in a way as I am not as present and focused on dealing with problems in real life, caught up in an escape.

 

20 hours ago, thrasher_565 said:

 

a wise guy said to me one day you cant be happy and sad at the same time so pick one. its a chose to be sad.

 

I think you need to change wise to ignorant. Stating it's a choice is completely dismissive of people's mental health issues which can have complex environmental, genetic and physical causes.

[Calranthe]

1 hour ago, artuc said:

I'm glad you are able to treat your issues with tech but...

 

 

This concerns me in that you are using the tech as a distraction or escape from reality. Completely understandable given what you have been through. I struggle with much less. However I'm concerned if you were to somehow lose that escape and distraction. I find personally that it can be bad in a way as I am not as present and focused on dealing with problems in real life, caught up in an escape.

 

 

I think you need to change wise to ignorant. Stating it's a choice is completely dismissive of people's mental health issues which can have complex environmental, genetic and physical causes.

In some circumstances that would be true but remember I had one SR Psychologist, 4 consultants in various specialties, 3 counselling groups, my own GP all knew I was ending my life and the consensus was yes they could try to stop me but this wasn't a plea for help this was a logical decision based on no longer having any reason to live, if I died either I ended up with Paola or I ended up dead and either way I stopped the pain and suffering, did you know you can die of a broken heart, this is why sometimes a husband will die and a wife die soon after, me and Paola were true love in the best sense of the words, I spent 21 years with this woman every day caring for her, no respite, no outside job no hobby or anything to give us space, we were truly in love, 6am to midnight I looked after her with not one day off in 18 of those years, was it torture? was it to much? no and I would do it all again without a seconds thought, we gamed together, we watched films cooked, all our hobbies aligned. Both of us scifi geeks and nerds before it was fashionable, we needed no one else. and imagine if every time you did leave the house it was to push her wheel chair and that was so ingrained that even now when I go out my front door for a blood test or CT scan my hands naturally go to the holding the back of the wheelchair.

 

When she died there was no getting over it, no moving on, there was only pain and suffering that added to my problems and wore me down over time and that doesn't count the cancer problems.

 

For all purposes I should be dead that isn't my conclusion but those that know my case, I will never get over my wife's death, ADHD can latch on to an idea or a thought like a train on a track, it doesn't allow you to switch until the station is reached (sometimes you will see people with ADHD talk about the same subject until it is driven into the dirt and everyone else has moved on) now imagine if that subject is the death of your true love.

 

When I started gaming/vlogging/streaming again, my consultants had a group meeting and said this to me "whatever you are doing keep doing it because honestly all of us here were just waiting for the call from the police, some people we just can't help or fix"

 

I now have an online girlfriend and a community behind me and lets be honest.

 

I am 50 years old, before I met Paola I travelled, I went to Egypt and Greece, I did my dream job in computers, I don't feel any need to go out there and exist in that world, a world I shared with a wonderful girl now gone, like I said there is two parts of this.

 

1)It helps me cope and works. I use ever way to deal with this and no I do not hide away I talk opening my camera is my therapist now, every day I talk about all that happened and what works, I never hide from it, some days are good some are bad, but I get through them and I am 100% honest about it all, in fact I probably share too much but it works.

 

2)It helps others to know they are not alone the amount of people who contact me saying thank you is awesome.

 

And lets remember for me what is so special about real life, in real life my mum is end stages dementia, and the love of my life at 21 was told she had incurable cancer, i'll take doing a quest in a game over that because at least in games the rules are understood.

[thrasher_565]

2 hours ago, artuc said:

I'm glad you are able to treat your issues with tech but...

 

 

This concerns me in that you are using the tech as a distraction or escape from reality. Completely understandable given what you have been through. I struggle with much less. However I'm concerned if you were to somehow lose that escape and distraction. I find personally that it can be bad in a way as I am not as present and focused on dealing with problems in real life, caught up in an escape.

 

 

I think you need to change wise to ignorant. Stating it's a choice is completely dismissive of people's mental health issues which can have complex environmental, genetic and physical causes.

na its true for me anyway with depression. its up to me to change and only me.