So I took this test on this website about depression (sort of)

[Trik'Stari]

I can relate to some extent. I for one feel that I do have a form of depression, although I've always managed to deal with it by escaping to the internet (thank god for the internet) and games. I've been raised in a household where nothing I've ever done has been good enough. My sister is 8 years older than me pretty much a medical black hole, she has alot of problems but she doesn't help them by using them as a crutch. As a result any time I complain about how I feel, mentally or physically my parents blame her, thinking I am just copying her, even though I'm 25. All my life I've been an outsider, since we've had to move around alot because of my dad never keeping a job for long (although that's not at all his fault, he works 70-80 hours a week and busts his ass, he makes good money but it's never enough because of our parents debts). I've always been the new kid at school, never really been good in social situations, 1 on 1 is fine but more than that and I just clam up. Both of my parents are passive aggressive emotional abusers, they only do nice things for us so that they can use it to make us feel guilty and like we owe them something (including things we didn't ask for). Me and my sister have heard the following sentences from both of our parents:

"I wish I'd never had children"

"I have to love you but I don't have to like you"

Both of which can really mess with your head and make you feel bad. My father is a very negative person, anything me and my sister say is always wrong because we're young and don't know anything in his eyes. Even if he asked our opinion on something.

 

 

I'm 25 years old and have only kissed 2 girls (with tongue, woot), both of them dated me for about 3 weeks each before dumping me for crack/meth/pill/heroin addict ex boyfriends who knocked them up and abused them. Most women look at me and see the wall behind me for some reason. These things really do hurt me, because all I've ever wanted is just one nice girl, I'm not the type that cares about how many women I've slept with, I'd be happy with just 1 woman for the rest of my life, which is what women say they want but then date the complete opposite. up till now I've always felt like what's his name from office space, "every day is worse than the day before it, so every day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.". I have attempted suicide twice in my life, both times with the same gun, (a .22lr long rifle) and both times got a round that failed to fire, which really fucks with my head even more because it makes me feel like the universe want's me to suffer.

 

If I had to some up, how I have felt every single moment of every single day that I have lived until now, it would be this song

I can honestly relate to every word in that song. The only dreams I ever remember or am aware of (awake inside my dreams) are the ones in which I die.

 

Right now the only light I see at the end of the tunnel is finishing school, getting a good job, and abandoning my family. I honestly wish to disappear and never speak to any of them ever again, or have them have any knowledge of my whereabouts or well being. Mainly because I know all of them are expecting me to take care of them, which is something I refuse to do regardless of their circumstances. To sum up just how bad my parents are, my sister's psychologist (therapist, whatever the right word is, she has like 6 different doctors she goes to) said that she can't figure out how I'm not some sort of serial killer already, or otherwise institutionalized since I take no medications to deal with it (other than self medicating with pot and alcohol, seperately).

 

 

 

No I don't have anyone, Honestly after watching that, that is exactly what I need. It brought me to tears and made me speechless. If I could have that, have someone to do that for me. It wouldn't make everything better, but it definitely would help and over time could probably pull me out of this. But the unfortunate truth is I don't have anyone. I have nobody who could or would even want to help me in this way. 

We're always here to talk buddy.

[Fred Castellum]

-snip-

You've been through a bunch of shitty environments, had abusive guardians and got the short end of the stick numerous times. Yet you still tried to do your best, and took the route you believed to be right. That alone requires a TON of effort and will power, to strive to be something better than those who you've been around during your younger years. Don't throw all your achievements in positive forward movement out the window by quitting, all will truly be for nothing if you do. Be one of those people who persevere through the harsh and and end up spreading the good. 

 

Now tell yourself what you've been doing the last couple of years HASN'T been for nothing because that's absolute bullshit you'd be underselling yourself! Your on a indefinite road trip going from point to point, ask yourself where do you want to be? Find the answer to that question, map out a route and GO FOR IT, don't give up if you encounter a roadblock find another path don't give in. 

 

Life will inevitably have times where everything just goes bad you feel depressed, sad, worthless, and hopeless, but there are people who rely on you to get by, don't leave them with nothing but sadness. Keep fighting for success and happiness everyone has to do it, some obtain it easier than others but when you obtain it will be worth it, share your happiness.   

 

I've have really shitty points in my life too, times where I feel like I'm worth less than those around me and those I know. I've learned over time all that is just in your head, I mapped out what I wanted to do with my life and pushed to obtain it. I'm not there yet and I may never get to the point where I'll be fully satisfied with my position but I'm happy with the journey. 

 

I can't guarantee I can solve your problems, I can't prevent shitty things from happening, I can't shut away all the problems you face everyday, but you know what I can give you? My time, I can give you my time and a open ear to listen to what you've got to say. 

 

I don't think I need to tell you the world is a cold hard place, but just keep in mind your not alone. 

 

Here have a happy song. 

 

[Trik'Stari]

-snip

I agree 100%. OP you've been through alot more than I have, but the important thing is that your still going, still trying to do your best, that is what matters. Don't let bad people's opinions of you deter you, I've done that (my father has a low opinion of me because I'm not a jock like he is) all my life, and only recently realized that he's got no room to talk.

 

Stay strong, don't give up, get angry, hate your disease and use that anger and hate to drive you, use it to motivate you into keep going, say "I will not let this win, I will not let them win, I will keep going, I will be succesful and happy some day" that's what human life is about, struggle, it's about having something to overcome. Everyone I know who was born rich and into a "happy" family, ends up bored as hell and depressed that their lives have no meaning, because they've never had to overcome something, or anything for that matter, so they have nothing in which to truly be proud of.

[scaryjam823]

-snip-

I've cried many tears to that song. In the past, consider yourself fortunate with the girl thing. I've been with 10 girls, slept with four. Nothing is more damaging than to have it end after you've trusted someone enough to have sex with them. I use to think and be sad about the fact I would probably be single forever, never having been with a girl. At this point I can say I would take that being a virgin and loneliness back because once you've experienced what it can be like, have it lost from you. It's more devastating  than being alone.

 

I'm 23, I've been in a car wreck which forced me to bankruptcy. Wasn't my fault, but the insurance wouldn't pay. I went through two lawyers before the statue of limitations was up and had no choice. I can relate on the failing suicide thing, I know how fucked up you can feel when you can't even do that right. I've been there,

[Trik'Stari]

I've cried many tears to that song. In the past, consider yourself fortunate with the girl thing. I've been with 10 girls, slept with four. Nothing is more damaging than to have it end after you've trusted someone enough to have sex with them. I use to think and be sad about the fact I would probably be single forever, never having been with a girl. At this point I can say I would take that being a virgin and loneliness back because once you've experienced what it can be like, have it lost from you. It's more devastating  than being alone.

 

I'm 23, I've been in a car wreck which forced me to bankruptcy. Wasn't my fault, but the insurance wouldn't pay. I went through two lawyers before the statue of limitations was up and had no choice. I can relate on the failing suicide thing, I know how fucked up you can feel when you can't even do that right. I've been there,

It wasnt that I couldn't do it right, it's that the bullets didn't fire, which by all means they should have, a fail to fire is a very rare occurence even for .22 ammo.

 

I am a virgin yes, but I've been cheated on, I've been in love with girls, and they cheated on me, one of which was a longtime "friend" and she knew the whole time how I felt for her, that I would go to any lengths just to make her smile, and the whole time she was doing coke and heroin and fucking her ex boyfriend. Every single woman I've ever really known has done nothing but damage to me.

 

To top it all off, I recently found out that a bunch of my guy "friends" in high school had spread rumors back then, to the girls we collectively knew, about me that weren't true, things like I was a rapist and was into bdsm and shit, which resulted in most of these girls never speaking to me even if I was just like "hi".

 

99% of the human beings in my life (the one's ive met and know irl), have caused me severe emotional pain and damage. I'm just one of those lucky few that can turn that into hatred rather than self loathing. People often underestimate how useful hatred can be as an emotion. I just tell myself that one day, I will find that 1 in a million perfect girl, I will be happy and wealthy and successful, and they'll all be miserable and poor and I will be able to laugh at them. My sister says I shouldn't think that way because "karma's a bitch", well karma's already fucked me over a million times, so I figure I've got alot coming to me.

[SSOB]

It's not free.

Oops forgot you guys live in north-america, lol...

[Trik'Stari]

Oops forgot you guys live in north-america, lol...

Lets not start lol. There are free hotlines you can call in America.

[scaryjam823]

It wasnt that I couldn't do it right, it's that the bullets didn't fire, which by all means they should have, a fail to fire is a very rare occurence even for .22 ammo.

 

I am a virgin yes, but I've been cheated on, I've been in love with girls, and they cheated on me, one of which was a longtime "friend" and she knew the whole time how I felt for her, that I would go to any lengths just to make her smile, and the whole time she was doing coke and heroin and fucking her ex boyfriend. Every single woman I've ever really known has done nothing but damage to me.

 

To top it all off, I recently found out that a bunch of my guy "friends" in high school had spread rumors back then, to the girls we collectively knew, about me that weren't true, things like I was a rapist and was into bdsm and shit, which resulted in most of these girls never speaking to me even if I was just like "hi".

 

99% of the human beings in my life (the one's ive met and know irl), have caused me severe emotional pain and damage. I'm just one of those lucky few that can turn that into hatred rather than self loathing. People often underestimate how useful hatred can be as an emotion. I just tell myself that one day, I will find that 1 in a million perfect girl, I will be happy and wealthy and successful, and they'll all be miserable and poor and I will be able to laugh at them. My sister says I shouldn't think that way because "karma's a bitch", well karma's already fucked me over a million times, so I figure I've got alot coming to me.

Yes I know that about the gun, I meant the feeling of not being able to do it right that happens when it fails. I have the same thought process, well I did. That one day I'll be better and everything will be fine. But it just isn't working that way.

 

And I've dealt with the whole hotline thing before. It helps that moment, but it doesn't solve the issue that started it to begin with. Which is something that is really needed. A place for people like me to go to to get help, be around others facing similar problems. Have things for us to do, things that help. But it just doesn't exist.

[SSOB]

OP I feel sorry for you. I know (kinda) what it feels like as I went to a little depression ( a month or so.) so not nearly as bad as you. The way I dealt with it was not think about it and be so busy with other things that you forget your misery.

[PirateCoffee]

I just did the test

 

[Trik'Stari]

I just did the test

 

-snip

Well look at mr. perfectly happy over here, you lucky bastard

 

Yes I know that about the gun, I meant the feeling of not being able to do it right that happens when it fails. I have the same thought process, well I did. That one day I'll be better and everything will be fine. But it just isn't working that way.

 

And I've dealt with the whole hotline thing before. It helps that moment, but it doesn't solve the issue that started it to begin with. Which is something that is really needed. A place for people like me to go to to get help, be around others facing similar problems. Have things for us to do, things that help. But it just doesn't exist.

You do bro, all of us. Most people on internet forums have depression, and I also find that the internet can be alot more helpful of a place than most people think.

[AlwaysFSX]

No I don't have anyone, Honestly after watching that, that is exactly what I need. It brought me to tears and made me speechless. If I could have that, have someone to do that for me. It wouldn't make everything better, but it definitely would help and over time could probably pull me out of this. But the unfortunate truth is I don't have anyone. I have nobody who could or would even want to help me in this way. 

There's all of us, in one way or another. We may be one of the stranger families out there but we care for each other.

[qwertywarrior]

shit my score is bad 

ive been like this for a long time now

i dont really mind it that much anymore i became accustomed to it  

[Fred Castellum]

You do bro, all of us. Most people on internet forums have depression, and I also find that the internet can be alot more helpful of a place than most people think.

Pffft please, everyone EVERYONE gets a taste of depression in their life. Some just don't talk about it. 

 

It's all about who you talk to and who decides to respond. 

 

[Trik'Stari]

Pffft please, everyone EVERYONE gets a taste of depression in their life. Some just don't talk about it. 

 

It's all about who you talk to and who decides to respond. 

 

-snip

Pfff, I'd do things to her.

[Fred Castellum]

Pfff, I'd do things to her.

Right.... "things" 

 

[Trik'Stari]

Right.... "things" 

 

Her too.

[Fred Castellum]

Her too.

[Trik'Stari]

Mwahaha, you underestimated the power of my foreveralone-ness.

[Manny Calavera]

Pffft please, everyone EVERYONE gets a taste of depression in their life. Some just don't talk about it. 

 

It's all about who you talk to and who decides to respond. 

 

Hmm, that sounds extremmelly well for some rap song lyrics.  

But ofcours new rap is crap, anything pre 2005 should be it.

 

I also wind myself up with songs. And when playing video games ( especially coop ). I love playing online coop games. Ive pleyed this through the VOIP and all the guys were like dancing and happy but the only girl in the group was annoyed haha

 

 

Man when i read your experiences, my stress looks nothing to yours. 2 Times fail with a gun... wow mindfuck     It seem so surreal to me.

 

Just remember to look forward to things. Thats the driving force for me at least.

[Trik'Stari]

Hmm, that sounds extremmelly well for some rap song lyrics.  

But ofcours new rap is crap, anything pre 2005 should be it.

 

I also wind myself up with songs. And when playing video games ( especially coop ). I love playing online coop games. Ive pleyed this through the VOIP and all the guys were like dancing and happy but the only girl in the group was annoyed haha

 

 

Man when i read your experiences, my stress looks nothing to yours. 2 Times fail with a gun... wow mindfuck     It seem so surreal to me.

 

Just remember to look forward to things. Thats the driving force for me at least.

Same here. Gotta have goals, no matter how high they might be. If I give up, the universe wins, and that I cannot accept, and neither should the OP.

 

Suicide is never the answer, it will only cause pain to those around you, regardless of what you might think they think of you.

[SSOB]

I just did the test

 

That doesn't really help....

[Mooshi]

 

Seems about right, though I've already known I have a nervous system disorder which gives me high anxiety. -shrug-

 

I WAS CURIOUS