A short rant on relationships.

[cmndr]

I got out of an 8 year relationship a while back. It was good but not great. There was stability but never really any passion. I didn't have a single argument in 8 years. 
My ex was a great lady but I don't think she was right for me. I appreciate her though and I let her know that regularly when we were together. I appreciate her more now than when I was with her. 
 

A few months back, for the first time since college, I met someone that REALLY excited me. It was a whirlwind of events and emotions which I won't get TOO into. She credits me saving her from suicide and for a fair while felt I brought out the best in her. And she brought out certain good traits in me as well. I had boundless energy to serve and push myself. 
She had many positive traits and many of the things I wish my ex had. 
And while I was her "best friend" and her "favorite person" and her parents loved me and I'm a "great guy" and there was A LOT of couple-like behavior there was never to be anything truly romantic. 
I also had more conflict with this one person in 6 months than I had with all other people in the last 10 years combined. I don't think it's me as she regularly was in conflict with her ex and I'm a relatively passive people pleaser. 
It's to the point that I'm almost glad she's moving far in a few months. I found my mind wandering and I said "I'm FREE" - and yet my heart throbs. I think this girl will be my friend in the years to come but it'll be a different type of friendship from most others. I've prayed that she finds someone great for her as it won't be me. 

 

I'm not desperate and I have a lot going for me. I just lament the state of affairs that...
it's non-trivial to find someone who is truly great for you. And I've achieved most of my life's goals (MASTERS DEGREE FROM "ELITE" UNIVERSITY, GOT THE DREAM JOB, HIT FINANCIAL MILE STONES, HIT FITNESS GOALS, etc.) or am well on my way.

I want someone who has all of the upsides of some of the past ladies in my life and none of the downsides (or at least the downsides being moderated). And those don't really exist. I want someone that will help me further my dreams and ambitions and who wants the same in return. Someone to support and to be supported by. Someone to admire and adore. 

[WildDagwood]

Without trying to unpack the past relationships I'd say you're doing yourself a disservice by trying to map or expect traits (or lack thereof) from someone.

 

End of the day, what you need to take away from past relationships is how you grew from them and not what they brought to the table, and just because someone might have some "negative" traits doesn't mean they won't be the love of your life. The thing about being truly in love is that the negative shit matters infinitely less than the rest, which is why people can often find themselves in toxic situations and not be able to see it.

 

Moral of the story, just get to know people and see how you jive with them. If you click, all that stuff you're "hoping" they have or don't have won't even cross your mind, but if you're keeping that stuff in mind while getting to know them, you're going to hinder the relationship from growing naturally as you'll always been looking at it through a certain lens.

P.S. that's not to say you shouldn't be mindful of certain things, obviously, but I think you get the point.

[OddOod]

That's a LOT of conflict. Which makes sense if she suffers from SI. I hope she's getting the help she needs wherever she's going. And handling that has probably traumatized you a fair bit so therapy wouldn't be a bad idea to explore. I know just having someone to talk out my problems helped me a TON

 

[cmndr]

16 minutes ago, OddOod said:

That's a LOT of conflict. Which makes sense if she suffers from SI. I hope she's getting the help she needs wherever she's going. And handling that has probably traumatized you a fair bit so therapy wouldn't be a bad idea to explore. I know just having someone to talk out my problems helped me a TON

Most of the conflict was AFTER she started getting better. There's literally been cases where I texted "hey, hope you're OK" and I got a 40 text blow up about how I need to stop judging her. I don't think that's entirely a me problem and I'm probably checking the box on being reasonably careful and thoughtful. 

I'm sincerely worried about a scenario where she only really "likes" me when she's down (and when she is I'm SUPER sensitive/empathetic and feel like I'm walking on egg shells and am self-sacrificial) and maybe I'm somehow subconsciously agitating that. I don't think I am but I'm worried that's a possibility. It's also NOT a viable path forward. I enjoy being a semi-edgy internet troll at times. 

I've used chatGPT and claude as a therapist/interactive journal. I have pretty good emotional regulation and I'm exercising regularly which helps a lot. I have friends to talk to and I've had several coworkers, who met this lady during the company Christmas party, ask me questions about the situation and otherwise show me support. 

 

32 minutes ago, WildDagwood said:

End of the day, what you need to take away from past relationships is how you grew from them and not what they brought to the table, and just because someone might have some "negative" traits doesn't mean they won't be the love of your life. The thing about being truly in love is that the negative shit matters infinitely less than the rest, which is why people can often find themselves in toxic situations and not be able to see it.

 

Moral of the story, just get to know people and see how you jive with them. If you click, all that stuff you're "hoping" they have or don't have won't even cross your mind, but if you're keeping that stuff in mind while getting to know them, you're going to hinder the relationship from growing naturally as you'll always been looking at it through a certain lens.

P.S. that's not to say you shouldn't be mindful of certain things, obviously, but I think you get the point.

I know this person's darkest secrets. Things I'll never repeat out loud to another person or put in writing. 
 

Let's just say that there's A LOT of red flags, they haven't gotten much better and I'd tell a friend in a similar situation to get out. 

Every friend that I've brought this up to has been like "no, just don't." And I've left out most of the red flags.
 

And there's a very VERY high possibility that if I were with this person in the long run I'd be VERY VERY highly burdened. Our careers push us towards different geographies, she'll likely have serious health issues in the next 10-20 years that'll affect her physically and mentally and... she doesn't value my strengths and increasingly dislikes my weaknesses. She treated me very much like a boyfriend but "isn't attracted to my looks or personality" - and that was during a time period that she recently described as "when she REALLY liked me." She doesn't "REALLY like me" at the moment. But she does describe me as being like family. 

That's not a winning formula for me. 

[WildDagwood]

17 minutes ago, cmndr said:

Most of the conflict was AFTER she started getting better. There's literally been cases where I texted "hey, hope you're OK" and I got a 40 text blow up about how I need to stop judging her. I don't think that's entirely a me problem and I'm probably checking the box on being reasonably careful and thoughtful. 

I'm sincerely worried about a scenario where she only really "likes" me when she's down (and when she is I'm SUPER sensitive/empathetic and feel like I'm walking on egg shells and am self-sacrificial) and maybe I'm somehow subconsciously agitating that. I don't think I am but I'm worried that's a possibility. It's also NOT a viable path forward. I enjoy being a semi-edgy internet troll at times. 

I've used chatGPT and claude as a therapist/interactive journal. I have pretty good emotional regulation and I'm exercising regularly which helps a lot. I have friends to talk to and I've had several coworkers, who met this lady during the company Christmas party, ask me questions about the situation and otherwise show me support. 

 

I know this person's darkest secrets. Things I'll never repeat out loud to another person or put in writing. 
 

Let's just say that there's A LOT of red flags, they haven't gotten much better and I'd tell a friend in a similar situation to get out. 

Every friend that I've brought this up to has been like "no, just don't." And I've left out most of the red flags.
 

And there's a very VERY high possibility that if I were with this person in the long run I'd be VERY VERY highly burdened. Our careers push us towards different geographies, she'll likely have serious health issues in the next 10-20 years that'll affect her physically and mentally and... she doesn't value my strengths and increasingly dislikes my weaknesses. 

That's not a winning formula for me. 

Yeah, I figured there were some issues/red flags (I wasn't trying to downplay anything), I just didn't want to comment too much since there's obviously a lot we don't know.

 

Like you suggested, I got the impression that there might be an emotional crutch aspect to the relationship, which is a bit parasitic, if I'm being blunt, but it's easy to judge from a top level perspective.

 

I think it's good that you're recognizing these things at least. I'm not sure what your overall emotional investment into this relationship is but, at the very least, being mindful of those thing will hopefully help navigate you through its future (whatever that may be).

 

Not a lot of time to chat at the moment so I gotta leave things there for now.

[cmndr]

2 hours ago, WildDagwood said:

Yeah, I figured there were some issues/red flags (I wasn't trying to downplay anything), I just didn't want to comment too much since there's obviously a lot we don't know.

 

Like you suggested, I got the impression that there might be an emotional crutch aspect to the relationship, which is a bit parasitic, if I'm being blunt, but it's easy to judge from a top level perspective.

 

I think it's good that you're recognizing these things at least. I'm not sure what your overall emotional investment into this relationship is but, at the very least, being mindful of those thing will hopefully help navigate you through its future (whatever that may be).

 

Not a lot of time to chat at the moment so I gotta leave things there for now.

Flashing red warning lights with red flags a mile long, adorned with reflective material and accompanied by storm sirens. 

There's a reason why pretty much all of her mutual friends with her ex sided with him. 
There's a reason why I went from deeply empathizing with this girl and telling her she needed to get over her ex to... 
well right now I feel sorry for her ex more than her. I don't think he was the right guy for her but MAN I could imagine him trying to make things work  and doing the best that he could and he just... he wasn't treated well.
She doesn't treat her parents well either and they do so much for her. So much more than mine ever did for me. I feel sorry for them. 

"I try to be a good person, I just... I'm not" <- I'm starting to agree with her more now. 
It's passed, but there was just a good week recently where I felt overwhelming disgust and frustration. 


Ohh and despite insisting we weren't a thing, she monopolized my time the next two weeks after she found out I was starting to date again (which she said I should do previously) and that it ended up being a mutual acquaintance (I didn't know until after the fact). HEAVY mate guarding behavior from someone that repeatedly insisted I'm not her boyfriend. 

[Caroline]

Relationships are complicated. It's why I'm not in one, I'm seeing a guy (not hallucinations) but it's not a relationship, just friends. It's harder for me as I only get one chance, I can't have ex or mess up so both me and my hypothetical future husband must be 100% sure we want to spend no less than the rest of our lives together, I mean that's not something you can be sure of after a few dates, or a few dozen dates even.

 

There's so much to take into consideration now, it's not like in my grandma's days where she found a nice farmer lad, they married, had 9 kids and lived happily ever after.

 

I dunno but this alone

1 hour ago, cmndr said:

She credits me saving her from suicide and for a fair while felt I brought out the best in her.

was not just a red flag, it was a whole USSR parade. To me it's the typical emotional trap card to use against the man in an argument, "do as I say or else you'll lose me forever!!!", it's fucked up.

[cmndr]

On 4/1/2024 at 2:00 PM, Caroline said:

I dunno but this alone was not just a red flag, it was a whole USSR parade. To me it's the typical emotional trap card to use against the man in an argument, "do as I say or else you'll lose me forever!!!", it's fucked up.

She never threatened suicide. She told me it after the fact once she got to a better emotional state that she attributes me with saving her life. 

I can make a number of critiques but this isn't one of them. I can also say outright that this lady never truly wronged me, and I'm usually more frustrated by the situation than the person... but she's also the most frustrating person I've deeply engaged with. If I could press a button to give her her dream guy that would take care of her in the decades to come and for her to just vanish from my life I'd hit it.