I just give up

[Andivegito]

After several tries I finally got into this site to vent.

 

I am depressed, and am in fact considering buying some booze for liquid courage so I can kill myself.

 

It's a lot of things that have piled-up but today, something just pushed me over the edge.

 

Let me clear things up:

 

It all started in pre-primary school, Grade 0 - 6. I was the unpopular kid, but no big deal however I was constantly hurt and bullied. In fact I was almost killed twice.

1st was a giant of a kid at age 7 same as me, held me at the throat and squeezed so hard I was surprised my brains didn't pop out like a tube of tooth-pate.

 

2nd was when I was about 14 or so, there was this short kid who liked to bully me, but a friend of his decided to take to the next level, he cornered me and held me up against the wall,

he then pull a knife he got from the school's kitchen that was to be used to cut the cake of the short kid's b-day cake. "leave [short-kid] alone or I'll cut you till you die!" he said to me,

I go out of my way to stay out of short kids hair but his friend decided that my existence was insult enough.

 

When he held the blade up against my throat I noticed all the people walking by and just giving a "meh" look. My thoughts weren't on my life but I wondered was I really hated that much?

 

Of course I reported it to the school, what did they do? Called knife-kid's parents and explain the situation and said "Please don't do that again, thank you." Me and my parents asked was that it?

school responded with "That's okay, next time we'll call the cops." Oh gee, great! Thanks! Next I or some other student will be dead.

 

Fast-forward a few years. Oh boy! things are finally looking up, I got me a serious girlfriend, maybe she's the one? we went out for three years, over the course she change from a sweet and kind girl

into an hateful and spiteful bitch.She broke up with me, oh but she didn't actually tell me. I had to find out through a friend of both that, nope! We broke up and I was apparently a loser and I also cheated

on her, I don't know with who though but I did finds out she cheated on me, funny that. She decided that Christmas was the day she'd brake it off, it was obviously my gift!

 

Then the shit-hole that is my life wasn't done yet, Me and my mother found my dad, my best (and in the end) only friend left in the whole world in the bathroom with blood all over the place, there was

even a spot of blood on the ceiling and I still to this day have no idea how the fuck it got up there. We had to fight for an ambulance to get him to the hospital, health-care is terrible in South Africa.

It took my neighbors who were friends with a firefighter station commander to get the ambulance to come it took 2 fucking hours, the closest hospital take 45 minutes to WALK TO ON FOOT!

 

Amazingly my dad was still alive when they came and took him to another hospital because the closest one I just mentioned didn't even look at him.

 

He got some blood to replace what he lost (which was almost all of it.) He was getting colder and lost consciousness, oh and he turned yellow. But he is at the hospital and he got some life blood.

I was relieved. My dad was going to be okay! NOT! He was rushed to the ICU, they took 3 nurses of their regular shift and assigned them to my dad, along with a team of 8 doctors. Indians, Russian,

White, Black Male and Female Doctors all so diverse, his stomach was literately glued together by his now poison and rotted blood and gut-flesh. His kidneys were screwed up and he had multiple organ

failure.

 

We were of course allowed to come and go as we pleased, we were mostly there, his heart which need serious help to beat in the first place decided to stop. I was there, I also saw the doctor climb on him

and compress his chest like it was the world most popular and viral dance move. He died. So I went and am still in a serious depression.

 

But wait there's still more. My mother had ended up in the hospital, She couldn't even move and her stomach blackened like a bruised caused by a hernia that went untreated for decades until after the above

incident but 2 years later. Fortunately she was taken by our boss to the hospital (it happened on the weekend) and they fixed her right up. No more hernia the only good news.

 

a year later, my best friend of 10 years (Who wasn't there for me in the aftermath) left me in the same way my ex-girlfriend did. She was my last rock and the person I thought I'd be through it all with

everything forever. Nope.

 

After that my mother went to the hospital twice for a sudden allergic reaction to her blood-pressure medication, which she needs to take to stay alive. The first retarded doctor misdiagnosed her and gave

her some crap that didn't help at all, she ended up in hospital again, thankfully this time a way smarter and educated doctor diagnosed correctly and gave her the right stuff.

 

I done a few things which help with my general mood that they seem to amount to nothing. I brought a new PC that is now about half a year old now, a nice PC for gaming, due to circumstances I feel

as though this was the biggest mistake, because I should have brought something cheaper or not at all. Gaming here for people like me who save for over a year to buy it struggle to get the game worthy

of it that I want. Everything is online in some way now which is part of the problem.

 

I have such a shitty internet (And I promise this is not a single exaggeration) my absolute BEST download speed is 40KB/s (yes that's in bytes not bit). on average I get 10KB/s I brought two new games on disc

why on disc? because stupid me has not got it that it makes no difference. I got me some Resident Evil 7, I installed it and because of steam, the only control I have is were my steam game directory goes. that's it.

I currently have to wait 8 days to be able to play the game, god help me if there is another up-date and now-a-days all update are live/real-time/applied as downloaded. So it's not like I can wait and then cancel it.

I've even tried to install the game and cut off steam from the internet during local install, that didn't work. All I can do is wait, make to update when I launch the game then put steam in offline mode so even when I do

lunch it can't download. Still have to wait for the initial download though.

 

I also got me GTA V. Awesome amirite? Haha. that on will take over a week before I can play it. 7 discs and I still need to download shit before I can play.

 

Of course why don't I get some better internet? NOPE!

 

I went to every ISP in the country and the one that does have the package at a reasonable price for a MUCH BETTER speed doesn't cover my house, the the houses next to me horizontally, vertically and diagonally

are covered, I swear to you, the guy showed me the cover map on his screen. The other package these guys had which was even better by about 5% cost more than I make per month so I can't get it. The other ISP

doesn't have it uncapped (LTE by the way) and other in all full up as they're cheapest but pray for stable connection anyways, the last ISP the cream of the crop has the same package so much more expensive that

I can't get it.

 

My sister who lives in NZ tells me that connections at that speed are cheaper and standard fare. Our expensive choices are America's poor man choice (for reals!) So I am screwed with this shitty internet which I pay

way to much for. And all this with my games which I want to come home to and play and enjoy after hard days work but nope, I also come home find it stopped downloading for whatever reason so I often have to wait

double the time. I give up

 

I and seriously considering giving up gaming even though I spent a lot of money on a nice kick-ass machine for years to come. Those years may not come if I do kill myself.

 

Sorry for the long post I just feel so defeated and sad and I just needed to vent. And a Big thank you to anyone who take out some time to give this a read and sorry.

 

P.S. I apologize if I have accidentally posted this twice, my connect kept timing out and I one slipped through I deeply apologize.

 

[Mug]

I'm sorry to hear all this. It sounds really horrible.

 

There's no easy solution to your problems, I'd consider moving out of SA as a solution though, it seems like many of your problems are caused by the environment you're in.

 

Just don't give up, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[TubsAlwaysWins]

@Andivegito

Dude that sucks. IM really sorry to hear.

And I think my life is shit and I heard this.

 

If you get the chance move to America. Its a much better place. 

 

But for real, if you even need to talk send me a message

[Aaronius_Leonius]

I suggest finding a few new friends that legitimately seem nice. Then things should start to get better. I'm really sorry about this and don't think you deserved any of the bad things that happened. If you feel like killing yourself, call 1-800-273-8255 and talk to them. I really hope things get better for you 

[Dash Lambda]

When I was having a lot of trouble with life things, someone gave me a magnet with a Winston Churchill quote on it: "If you are going through hell, keep going."

I'm not really an emotional or sentimental person, but that magnet's still on my board.

[Zes]

That's a hell of an experience you just shared... I can't imagine what you've been through.

 

I agree with what Mug said about moving out of SA, but I also ignore if your mother needs your assistance, or if there's something holding you back. 

 

If I may ask, what about your sister? She might be able to help you out somehow... Try to figure out what you want to do and don't let anything stop you. And about killing yourself, I think it's kind of pointless. If you're gonna take your life, you might as well just try and risk it trying to achieve what you want.
 

Just know that there is no more choice to make after death. There's a whole world of possibilities out there, literally, try not to limit yourself.

[BcuberX]

Hate to hear this, I really do. All you need is people who care about you. If ist internet friends that's okay. What ive learned is that a girlfriend won't get you there, all you need are some genuine friends. Also, don't let the actions of bullies get to you, that's their goal (plus, that's their way of dealing with their own insecurities). And suicide did not go well with my school. This kid killed himself and only started a shitshow. People were crying and mourning that didn't even know him, and shooting was even threatened at my school because of it. I had a friend who was depressed for a long time, and he said suicide is a last resort for most people. He said that people like me (one of his best friends) made his life 10x better. 

[MrImnotMLG]

I know that strangers on the internet don't give the best advice and we may never know the real you but please stay with us. You never know who will miss you until you are actually gone. Go outside and just take a walk. I shit you not. Chris Pratt said " Being in good physical shape is the best way to combat depression. You just have endorphins running around your body. It is the best anti-depressive that there is. " From personal experience, I can agree. I feel much happier when I work out and not just sit all day(not accusing you of anything). You should try to find some activities to get you moving, and also find a way out of SA. It seems that that place is bringing you down. I hope you can pull yourself out of this man, work hard and you'll be able to do it.

 

P.S. If you need to talk to someone, drop me a line. I'll get back to you almost right away if I'm not asleep.

[Zodiark1593]

To an extent, I can empathize. Best advice I can offer is to keep going. Even if happiness is not in the cards in the end, at the very least, strive to leave the world in a better shape than it was when you came into being. 

 

As for the PC, there are other uses for it than gaming, even with limited Internet connectivity. If you're creative and persistent, might I recommend getting into cgi? Blender is a popular, open source tool for this purpose. Perhaps one day, you could even create something that could entertain and bring happiness to others. 

 

I do view suicide as an extremely selfish act. Effectively, you force your own problems upon those closest. Even in my darkest of moments (and I've relatives who have done so), to commit such an act would would go contrary to my very nature. I am a prideful, relatively selfless person that despises losing, and to even contemplate suicide is entirely out of the question. 

[ZothOmmog]

Hell of a story, I would recommend to keep carrying on even though you feel like that there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. I kind of saw my reflection when you spoke about being bullied, I've been there and it sucks of course, the bullying towards me was limited to words and not physical things done to me, of course there were the small hits and kicking me in the nuts but mostly it was the verbal things but it still hurt and to this day I'm having problems being with people and getting new friends.

 

Here is a quote by Darwin that I sometimes think about when I'm contemplating if the solution to my suffering would be suicide:

 

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

[MrDynamicMan]

Hey man, I hope you're doing OK. I had some horrible shit happen over the weekend. I got pretty close too, but all I can tell you is to hang in there. Try and find a counselor to help you through this. Your life might hurt, and I'm not gonna say it's gonna get better, but it's better to be alive and bruised than dead and buried. 

[xentropa]

That's a tough break man.  Sorry to hear that.

 

What happened to your dad?

 

How old are you now?

 

 

[Teddy07]

I will start my own topic soon cause i screwd myself pretty bad. Maybe my story makes you feel better cause you are not alone:

 

I am now 30 years old and "studied" 10 years without a degree but i did follow my addiction online gambling in reality. I failed my study now finally and have to made a decision: Either search a low paying job with my completed apprenticeship or start a new study. I am totally motivated to study really hard but i am interest in computer science and i am totally scared that i am to dumb for math. And if i start to study i have to take a government student loan for 30.000 € which is ok but i am absolutely fucked if i fail cause i never can pay it back.

 

You see i am totally screw and thought about killing myself cause that´s not how i want to live my life. At the moment i think that i am trying the computer science study and try it really hard. I can kill myself after that if i fail. I dont wanna live as a loser.

[Andivegito]

Thank you to all of you, for taking the time out to respond.

 

Truth be told, the only reason I am not dead already is for my mother, so she isn't left alone. As for moving out of South Africa, believe me I would be on the first plane or boat out of here. I don't have anywhere near enough money. I work at a crap-fest job at a property management agency and in SA that isn't all that profitable and the law works against the owners and allows for tenants to get away without paying. In fact in SA if you go on holiday away and someone decides to squat there the after 48 hours you can't legally get them out without a court case that WILL be in their favor, laws like that. If someone doesn't pay their levy/rent it's illegal for the owner or agents to cut their power. It's near impossible to evict as well.

 

I also don't even have a car, the learners cost an arm and leg and the actual test almost always results in a "bribe" when you take the driving course in addition to the normal fees. Don't pay the bribe? YOU FAIL.

 

I mean I have a higher education certificate for "Systems Development". It's mean squat.

 

But still, thank you all. I dare not hope for a better tomorrow due to my past experiences. I also have trust issues as a result, I personally believe that placing your trust in another like a girlfriend or whatever is foolish and sets up for disappointment and hurt.

 

FYI: I'm 27 in June and my father as one asked my father died from multiple organ failure and a severe infection.

[Tectris]

Mods we need you lol. 

[MrDynamicMan]

11 hours ago, Andivegito said:

Thank you to all of you, for taking the time out to respond.

 

Truth be told, the only reason I am not dead already is for my mother, so she isn't left alone. As for moving out of South Africa, believe me I would be on the first plane or boat out of here. I don't have anywhere near enough money. I work at a crap-fest job at a property management agency and in SA that isn't all that profitable and the law works against the owners and allows for tenants to get away without paying. In fact in SA if you go on holiday away and someone decides to squat there the after 48 hours you can't legally get them out without a court case that WILL be in their favor, laws like that. If someone doesn't pay their levy/rent it's illegal for the owner or agents to cut their power. It's near impossible to evict as well.

 

I also don't even have a car, the learners cost an arm and leg and the actual test almost always results in a "bribe" when you take the driving course in addition to the normal fees. Don't pay the bribe? YOU FAIL.

 

I mean I have a higher education certificate for "Systems Development". It's mean squat.

 

But still, thank you all. I dare not hope for a better tomorrow due to my past experiences. I also have trust issues as a result, I personally believe that placing your trust in another like a girlfriend or whatever is foolish and sets up for disappointment and hurt.

 

FYI: I'm 27 in June and my father as one asked my father died from multiple organ failure and a severe infection.

Power through it. I know firsthand how crap South Africa can be, especially in real estate. If you're tight on money I'd say they cheapest form of transport is probably just to pay the bribes and buy a bike/scooter. Also, try and get a job at an isp or something, you'll enjoy it more and it will probably pay the same. 

[biker]

I am sorry about your situation.

I am sorry I dont read novels that you posted.

 

I get the feel of your situation with just reading a few lines.

You blame school and bullying and you are depressed and you want to kill yourself. Please go seek medical advice and get on some medication. Depression happens in everyone at one point or another. Drinking booze does not help anything, it makes it even worse. Think about the people you will leave behind. If you drink booze and try to off yourself, you will most likely end up a parapeligic.

 

Just go see a doctor and get on med's, go see a head doctor and in a short time you will feel better.

 

I am reading more and more of these types of posts, and I know why the moderators let them live. But their so many copy cats out in the world. Its better to live.

 

I teach my children to stand up for themselves and if necessary fight, so yes I teach them to throw punches. That stops bullying in its tracks.

[Andivegito]

Well, today was quite a crapfest.

 

Guess what?

 

We got robbed at work, they took all the computers and our servers. One computer was new (Second Hand) but it's gone now. My desk looks like the did before it came out of the assembly line at the factory, oh and the police hadn't arrived when we called them as we got in the office, that was 3 hours ago! The armed response security company didn't respond either.

 

So yeah. that sucks because all my work is gone! my backup flash somehow got corrupted.

[Underi]

I'm really sorry for you. That sucks. But in the end, it isn't worth it to die. I bet there are people who care for you and would be extremely sad if you passed away. I have been depressed, in therapy for 6 years, been bullied for 9 years now, and I've tried suicide twice. It isn't worth it. And like you said, your mother would surely be very sad if you died. 

[MrDynamicMan]

11 hours ago, Andivegito said:

Well, today was quite a crapfest.

 

Guess what?

 

We got robbed at work, they took all the computers and our servers. One computer was new (Second Hand) but it's gone now. My desk looks like the did before it came out of the assembly line at the factory, oh and the police hadn't arrived when we called them as we got in the office, that was 3 hours ago! The armed response security company didn't respond either.

 

So yeah. that sucks because all my work is gone! my backup flash somehow got corrupted.

Shit dude. 

[mrchow19910319]

When things get touch, live one day at a time. 

I know it sounds harsh, but , do it. It is effective. 

Just focus on today. What you need to do, what you want, how you wanna spend your time, what kind of people you wanna meet.

 

Day by day. That's how you do it. 

[biker]

15 hours ago, Andivegito said:

Well, today was quite a crapfest.

 

Guess what?

 

We got robbed at work, they took all the computers and our servers. One computer was new (Second Hand) but it's gone now. My desk looks like the did before it came out of the assembly line at the factory, oh and the police hadn't arrived when we called them as we got in the office, that was 3 hours ago! The armed response security company didn't respond either.

 

So yeah. that sucks because all my work is gone! my backup flash somehow got corrupted.

You should claim PTSD and get paid leave.

[Andivegito]

Okay. People are going to start thinking that I am making stuff up.

 

So yesterday my PC alerted me that I need to update my graphics drivers. Okay, so I go through Nvidia's gaming experience thing and download/install said update. So it uninstalls the old version and then installs the new graphics driver when all of a sudden Windows 7 (64-bit-Ultimate) had decide OMG we have an error restart all systems Mr. Scott.

 

It did this while installing graphic drivers and that in turned cause the API functioning come the time windows starts back up. Leaving me no choice but to reinstall and lose a lot of my work.

 

So of course fresh re-install. Got all the mobo drivers installed, and old but serviceable graphic drive up. DirectX and I was now installing Adobe flash Player so I can watch the occasional video on the internet. It was downloading and cause of my crappy internet that would take awhile. it's very late I wanna sleep. So I do.

 

Well that was one big mistake. When I woke up I go an move my mouse so that I may bring the screen out of standby, nothing's happening. Don 't tell me something messed up, I press the button to light up my keyboard's RGB so I can see what I am doing... not. That doesn't work either, I then learned that the screen isn't getting any signal even though It's plugged in the card. So of course I plug in an older mouse and switch the plug so that the screen is using on-board graphics instead. Nope. The mouse I just plug in which I know works and has no special functions is not working. on any USB port. In fact none of my USB port are working.

 

The screen? The mobo on-board graphics isn't working either. So I hold down my power on/off button. Even that doesn't work but somehow my reset button does. That didn't help at all. So to switch it off part from pulling it out at the wall, I reset it and then in a window of a few seconds push my power button so that it goes off. My PC is now a metal Xmas tree. Fans and light turn on and that's it. I'm pretty sure it's the mobo that gone bad cause it should be impossible for all my components to stop working all at once.

 

So I am having such a "wonderful" time. *Sigh*

[Guest Kloaked]

@Andivegito have you tried doing a CMOS reset?

[Andivegito]

3 hours ago, Kloaked said:

@Andivegito have you tried doing a CMOS reset?

No. I didn't but I decided to unplug everything and clean it vigorously even the cables and the contact points inside etc, I guess that did something or so because everything was working after that. So it must have been getting dirty and maybe not quite plugged in right enough or came lose as a result as an improper plug in. But it is working again after a little elbow grease. Yay!

 

Thanks though, I should have done that first but I figured aside from the boot order my settings all on default that It wouldn't matter even though that isn't necessarily true.