How to say goodbye/ thank you to a parent?

[trama09]

This is going to get a little real. I am looking to hear what strangers have to say. Maybe someone will find this helpful as I need advice, myself.

 

 

Background:

My dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic caner sometime in January. My mom (and I) didn't know and June when he lost control of his body and collapsed. My mom took him to the hospital where they told her about his cancer and that he doesn't have a lot of time left. Since I don't live with them anymore, she called me a couple days later letting me know what happened. Fast forward to now. My dad has outpatient hospice care and my mom and I are making him as comfortable as possible.

 

Question:

My dad and I are good. But we have never said "I love you", hugged, or showed any of that type of emotion to each other. But before he goes, I want to thank him for giving up his American dream so I can live mine (he's an immigrant and I am first generation). I want him to know how much I care, look up to him, and love him. But I just don't know how to just do it. Thinking about it makes me very upset and nervous to my stomach. Any advice and suggestions would be helpful. 

[The Official Czex]

Tell him you love him for everything he's done for you, through thick and through thin, all out or all in, he's provided and cared for you since the day you were born. 

 

@trama09

[SImoHayha]

Sorry for your father.

 

But just say thank you father. Thank you for raising me the best your could, thank you for giving life, thank for giving me a roof over my head. etc.

 

Talk about the good times you had with him. Maybe even get him a tasty meal or something that he loves.

[Guest Kloaked]

Sorry about what you're going through OP.

 

I personally haven't had to go through something like this as the family members of mine that passed away weren't really super close to me at all.

 

I think what you said in your 'question' portion is just fine, but just word it like you're talking to him.

[The Pizza Thief]

-snip-

 

That's really depressing dude, my advice is to write everything you want to say and go read it out loud to him.

[airdeano]

it will be tough, but the past is the past and since it wasn't acknowledged, no

time like the present to make that a bonding moment as you will only have

one father and letting the experience to pass by so in the future you would

have that "i should have said" moment and make larger regrets.

 

he knows what and who you are, just realize the moment now and express

those feelings that the memory of his life will be in your mind/heart forever.

[Albatross]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP and I'm sorry for your dad.

 

I think you need to tell him that you love him and are thankful for the things you described to us (prepare a paper maybe if it helps?). Those words are powerful to a parent and sometimes it  is all they want to hear in their life, and that you will be happy and safe.

[RyanMacRocks]

That's rough man, tell him thank you for everything he's done for you and that you will miss him.

 

And this is a great quote to help you and your family get through this and think of everything your dad has done for you:

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

[GoldSrc]

It doesn't matter that much how you say good bye, you may not be able to say thanks for the life he gave you the way you want, just make sure you do it and that he knows it, and never forget about him.

Most of the time I'm sort of a cold, direct person, but I just learned that that's how things are and there's nothing I can do to change things.

My grandpa died about a week ago, I was never able to say good bye to him since he died when he was at the hospital, but I will make sure to never forget about him.

[Aytex]

I love you

[manikyath]

as for saying goodbye.. you really cant.. its hard.

 

a few years back i lost my grandma after a 3 year long battle with cancer. we all knew it was coming, and we all knew when.

my grandma was a very strong woman, and has even taken matters in her own hands to the point we didnt know about her decision to "step out of life" until a week before the fact.

(in belgium you require a 3 month process including several doctor visits and talks with psychologists)

 

we were prepared to let her go, but it was still hard, she was "the grandma" that helped raise both me and my sister, in fact, as a baby i didnt like milk - i only ate my grandma's tomato soup. the evening before she went "out" the entire family was present: her both children, their children, aunts, uncles, that distant guy that lived in chile for most of his life, people i didnt even know were family.

 

no one spoke, no one dared to speak, there was nothing to be said. only feelings. at a moment like this being present is the only thing that matters anymore. dont tell him that you love him, make him FEEL you love him.

 

 

what no one in the world could prepare us for however, was what happened the next day. "stepping out of life" these days happens with a deadly injection of morphine. however, my grandma was a very strong woman, and she woke up the next day. this was heartbreaking for my dad. you can say farewell to your parents, but you cant twice..

 

the next bit is slightly off topic, and REALLY depressing, so i spoilered it. if you open, be prepared for family drama

in the following months, the most heartbreaking thing happened, something every family that loses a member faces - the fight over heritage. it broke up my family.

my grandpa, after his loss, found support in the lady that lives across the road. she lost her husband to cancer a long time ago, and has been there for both him and my grandma troughout the 3 horrible years.

 

my aunt never liked her, and is convinced she "wants to steal his money" (you'll hear this quote a lot if you hang around me, its the reason i've been considering breaking bonds with my family for a few years) so my aunt made sure all of my grandma's jewels, gold and other horribly ugly stuff was secured, so it can be passed on to my sister later on. (my sister doesnt want any of them)

 

my dad.. didnt like the attitude of my aunt, but he also doesnt like how my grandpa likes to go out and do things with the lady across the street, saying she's gonna "steal his money" without him noticing it.

 

me, my sister, and other near family members are kinda between fires, and either dont want to come anywhere near the discution, or are snapped at when they come with valid arguments. this sometimes makes me wish i wasnt born in a "wealthy" family... (my parents see us as a mid class family, but if you can afford to drink a good bottle of wine each day, you're not mid class...)

[evilarceus]

Tell him all the positive things you have ever wanted to say to him.

[Benji_w]

This is going to get a little real. I am looking to hear what strangers have to say. Maybe someone will find this helpful as I need advice, myself.

 

 

Background:

My dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic caner sometime in January. My mom (and I) didn't know and June when he lost control of his body and collapsed. My mom took him to the hospital where they told her about his cancer and that he doesn't have a lot of time left. Since I don't live with them anymore, she called me a couple days later letting me know what happened. Fast forward to now. My dad has outpatient hospice care and my mom and I are making him as comfortable as possible.

 

Question:

My dad and I are good. But we have never said "I love you", hugged, or showed any of that type of emotion to each other. But before he goes, I want to thank him for giving up his American dream so I can live mine (he's an immigrant and I am first generation). I want him to know how much I care, look up to him, and love him. But I just don't know how to just do it. Thinking about it makes me very upset and nervous to my stomach. Any advice and suggestions would be helpful. 

 

Losing a parent is always incredibly difficult, I'm going to keep this short as I don't like thinking about how I lost my dad.

 

You need to move back for a while and talk to him, the right words and feelings you wish to say/express will come to you at the time. I cannot help you any further, we all grieve in different ways, I just pray it is easier for you than it has been for me.

 

If you need to talk, I'm always about.

[trama09]

I been able to keep my emotions in check since I've been him with my parents for the past 1.5 months. But today/ tonight was mentally and emotionally torturous for some reason. And to be honest, after reading all of your posts, I just broke.

 

I think I'll prepare a letter. I'll let my mom have a copy in case I don't sack up to read it to him. I think my mom would know when will be the right time to give it to him. But I will try my hardest to just do it before it comes to that.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. I has really eased my mind and given me a lot of ideas on how to approach this.

[Benji_w]

I been able to keep my emotions in check since I've been him with my parents for the past 1.5 months. But today/ tonight was mentally and emotionally torturous for some reason. And to be honest, after reading all of your posts, I just broke.

 

I think I'll prepare a letter. I'll let my mom have a copy in case I don't sack up to read it to him. I think my mom would know when will be the right time to give it to him. But I will try my hardest to just do it before it comes to that.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. I has really eased my mind and given me a lot of ideas on how to approach this.

 

Even if you can't, do it anyway, there are lots of things I wish I would have said to my dad. The regret of not speaking to him myself before hand pain me to this day. There is no shame in displaying your emotions, you're human, he will understand.

 

Don't exhaust yourself in being strong, just... let yourself be free with your emotions.

[Yoinkerman]

The stuff you're saying to us, say to him. It'll be awkward and stuff It's fine.

[JimDandy]

I'm sorry to hear about your father. Hopefully you will be able to have a still mind and reflect a little on what kind of person he's taught you to be, and let that come through in your final good-bye. If it were I who were dying, I think I'd wish for people to quickly say their piece (unless it was just already understood) so we could spend the rest of the time not being incapacitated from the inevitable. I'm sure your father knows you love him and you could just tell him "I love you" and be done with that part.

 

I hope you find peace and mindfulness.

[airdeano]

Don't exhaust yourself in being strong, just... let yourself be free with your emotions.

 

amen, speak the truth.. i am extremely tired after 20 years..

[Benji_w]

amen, speak the truth.. i am extremely tired after 20 years..

 

It's been 10 years and I still break down every now and then...

[GSTARR]

Just be sure to say I love you, and acknowledge all that he's done for you.

Tell him what a great guy he is

Really sorry man, hope you get through this terrible time

[manikyath]

may be a tad crude to say now already, but its inevitable.

 

prepare for the funeral, it's gonna be hard.

my grandma had a non-religious funeral, which is usually much more direct than the "traditional" catholic funeral (which i'm guessing is similar to other religions)

 

at some point, even one of the workers of the building we did the funeral at (she does these daily) broke down and had to pop aside for a bit.

its hard to let people go, but its even worse when those people are very loved, and came to go early. the person that had to pop aside never seen my grandma, never heard her name before the day. but if you have a room filled with people of all ages, genders and ethnic groups together to mourn over their loss its heartbreaking.

 

i'm sure it wont be any different for your dad, and it wont be any more easy.

 

a few months later it was november 1st, which is our national day for the memorial of those we lost.

my grandma was cremated, so the grave was very small. there was no room for flowers anywhere near the grave, even people of sides of the family that couldnt be less alike were there, together.

 

 

its amazing how a person thats not there anymore can still mean so much, and in some way, they're never "really" gone.

(this is now about two years ago, and i'm almost breaking in tears typing this. for as long as i'll be around, my grandma will never really be gone.)

[trama09]

I am reading and internalizing everything you guys are saying. I sincerely appreciate everything this community has done for me - especially tonight.

 

I am going to write up and polish it tomorrow. And I will do my best to read it to him by Monday.

[Benji_w]

I am reading and internalizing everything you guys are saying. I sincerely appreciate everything this community has done for me - especially tonight.

 

I am going to write up and polish it tomorrow. And I will do my best to read it to him by Monday.

 

It won't take that long to write, trust me. If you need anything feel free to drop me a PM. 

[trama09]

It won't take that long to write, trust me. If you need anything feel free to drop me a PM. 

Thank you so much. 

[manikyath]

I am reading and internalizing everything you guys are saying. I sincerely appreciate everything this community has done for me - especially tonight.

 

I am going to write up and polish it tomorrow. And I will do my best to read it to him by Monday.

best of luck.

 

if you feel like it, tell your dad his story reached the other side of the globe, and some random dude wishes him the best for the little while he has left.