Question about codependence and relationships

[Jtalk4456]

I have had a lot of struggles supporting my wife through mental illness. She has been suicidal, gone to inpatient therapy twice now, and is on enough medicine that I feel like I might as well become a pharmacist at this point. While the pain has been hers, a dam from years of emotional abuse from her family broken by a traumatic work incident, I have become to really suffer in my own rights feeling helpless to support her. I've grown anxiety wondering if she'll go back to inpatient again or worse and I'll come home to have to explain to the kids something they should never have to understand. It doesn't help that I have ADHD ad struggle with personal connections. My wife has been honestly my strongest connection in life, the only person I really feel whole with. And while she's back home physically, emotional connection has been low to none because of all the issues she's going thru. I get it, I can't force emotional availability when she has none, but I'm running out of emotional availability myself from depression, anxiety, and ultimately loneliness feeling her lack of emotional presence in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking about mental health and how to help her, and how to take care of myself.

One thing I'm working on is better ways to communicate my needs honestly in a way that isn't putting more pressure on her or making her feel like she's failing me in our relationship. This is situational and she's doing the best she can, but I'm afraid if I can't figure out how to communicate what I need to her, I will run completely out of emotional availability and have none left to support her. So I need to express what I need as gently as possible so I'm getting my needs across(for her sake so I CAN support her as well) but respecting how hard it will be for her to do so. And while thinking of this, I run into codependence vs intimacy. I feel she NEEDS me, when things are going down, she DOES come to me, and she gets my help when she needs it, which is great. But when it's just OK, she's off in her own world just trying to avoid the world around her, she's hiding in a sense. And it's those times where I should be feeling better because she's not really hurting actively, not going through something rough. Instead I'm feeling worse because that's when I feel her lack of emotional availability the most. In a sense, when things are bad, she needs me and that's great. But when things are good and she doesn't need me, I want her to WANT me, but instead she's shelling up as a defense. I don't want her to be codependent on me, or vise versa, but I want to feel some of the intimacy of our relationship again. I want to not feel alone when she's in the room. 

I'm struggling to find a good way to bring this up without making this all harder for her, but I'm worried if I don't, I will be burnt out soon and unable to help her when she really NEEDS me. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[Cyberspirit]

The best way is usually to speak to professionals about such, especially suicide but I know that it isn't easy to get rid of all the issues when the person who caused them is still in her life and still is actively abusing her.

 

What I did when I was in a similar headspace as her (although not nearly as bad) is I completely distanced myself from the person who made me miserable and shut them out of my life. Doesn't matter who the person is, they need to go otherwise she'll never start getting better.

 

If I was in your situation, I would personally seek help for her and, somehow with the help of professionals, convince her to get rid of that person. After that it would be much easier to fix the whole thing over time.

 

Hope you guys can figure out a way of this terrible situation. It wasn't easy alone and I'm sure it's a hell of a lot harder when you have an entire family to take care of as well.

[Jtalk4456]

15 minutes ago, Cyberspirit said:

-snip-

She's already getting lots of help, but she's too kind hearted to fully cut him off. I'm just ecstatic she's gotten to the point of setting basic boundaries with him. I'd love to remove him entirely, but I can't force that on her. He's old and unhealthy so my best hope at this point is his body cutting him off sadly. 

[dalekphalm]

5 hours ago, Jtalk4456 said:

She's already getting lots of help, but she's too kind hearted to fully cut him off. I'm just ecstatic she's gotten to the point of setting basic boundaries with him. I'd love to remove him entirely, but I can't force that on her. He's old and unhealthy so my best hope at this point is his body cutting him off sadly. 

IMO it sounds like you should speak to a mental health professional about yourself. They can help you work through these feelings you have about your wife and the lack of connection/intimacy, etc. They can suggest possible ways to broach the conversation (and even if that's a smart thing to do, given her current mental state).

 

Long term, I'd highly suggest couples therapy. Whether by the same professional she's already seeing, or by a different one (though if a different one, you may want to consider allowing the two professionals to access the same medical records so they can work as a team).

 

You can't control your wife's actions (or inactions, when it comes to a toxic family member, etc) - but you can seek help yourself, to get support when she can't provide it due to her ongoing struggles.

[Jtalk4456]

1 hour ago, dalekphalm said:

-snip-

You're saying I have to actually work on taking care of myself?

Spoiler

But yeah, I talk with a counselor now (and haven't forgotten the last 2 weeks of appointments), but I'm pretty new to it, so I'm working my way through the background stuff now

[IkeaGnome]

5 minutes ago, Jtalk4456 said:

You're saying I have to actually work on taking care of myself?

  Reveal hidden contents

But yeah, I talk with a counselor now (and haven't forgotten the last 2 weeks of appointments), but I'm pretty new to it, so I'm working my way through the background stuff now

Yes. Take care of yourself. Especially if you have any mental health conditions too. Make sure you talk about it. No matter how much you think you're talking about it, make sure you actually are. To her and to your therapist.

Going through this right now. Not taking care of yourself is the worst thing you can do. Not talking about it is a very close second. I'd almost flip them around because if you're taking care of yourself you're talking about it. Don't watch the world crumble around you trying to be the strong one.

[Jtalk4456]

1 hour ago, Communist_Empire said:

I hope your wife and you get through this. I have a best friend like this and it's hard sometimes. She suffers with anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder. I know this sounds cliche but make sure you care take care of yourself too.

cliche is common for a reason. Tell your friend I hope doing ok and getting better