Becoming more content with life and how certain things turned out.

[mrchow19910319]

I don't have anyone around me that I can share this with, so here it goes.

 

Does anyone of you felt that as you grow older, as time goes by, you turned to become more and more content with how your life turned out? When I was a teenager, I went to South East Asia to study, and I always thought I was meant to stay there forever. But 7,8 years of trying and failing, it didn't happen. So I went back to my own country. I had a really hard time adjusting myself once I went back. It took me a good,5,6 years to just get used to everything and in those years a lot of stuff happened, like my health condition deteriorate to the point that I got stuck at home for 3 years.

 

But long story short, today, just this afternoon, I realised that coming back to my own country forced me to deal with my own demon. Forced me to face my familial issues, to work with therapist to conquer my childhood drama, and to change how I see myself. Like I am not the "kid who is trying to runaway from home" anymore. I am something more than that, a lot more than that. I used to use those troubled memories to push myself furtuer and it worked for a while, but it feels like I was stabbing myself just to get me going. I felt that I was using a knife keep stabbing myself on the leg just so that I can run away. But now when I looked back, it wasn't really a healthy way to treat yourself, to motivate yourself. It can only leads to disaster and self destruction.

 

Now I am 30, and still, I have a lot of painful memories I don't feel proud of, I have some failures I will never get over with, like dropping out from school and went back to my own counrty, and while having my parents fighting for divorce almost all of my old aquentences distant themselves from me etc. But I choose to be content with my current self, instead of dwell on those old painful memories. I find workarounds in my current life to balancing the act of "let go of the past" and focusing on the present. I have found my passion , which is programming and chatting with strangers online on reddit and twitter, I follow people who are same minded and help others while I can.

I think I am more mature than I used to be. I think I am more mature than my parents think I am. I still have struggles in my life and I am overcoming them one day at a time.