Giving away splinter cell bundle

[SigveS]

I have an extra splinter cell bundle lying around collecting dust, so i figured i would give it away

The bundle contains: conviction, double agent and blacklist, all for pc ofc.

So whoever tells the best joke will get the bundle

 

Winner will be announced october 8th  

[CoolBeans]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[DirkaFat]

This guy drove his expensive car into a tree, and he found out how a Mercedes bends.

[Bonsai99]

This isn't really a joke but it's something funny, I saw this guy in someone's twitch chat last night.

[nightlitezzz]

Boy: "Hey you look really nice"

Girl: "Thanks"

Boy: "Your teeth reminds me of a song"

Girl: "What song?"

Boy: "Black and Yellow"

[KaareKanin]

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

 

Ok, ok, those were lame, but I think this next one is kinda good:

 

A slightly drunk man in a bar: 

"I've built five houses in my lifetime. And do they call me Tom the house builder? NO!

I've built seven boats in my life time, do they call me Tom the boat builder? NO!

I've sailed around the globe, but do they call me Tom the sailer? NO!

I've been at the north pole, but do they call me Tom, the polar explorer? NO!

But fuck one sheep..."

[Coombzy]

Reddit I love you :3 

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

[Wferr]

Whats green and has wheels? 

 

grass i lied about the wheels..

 

Whats black and white and red all over?

A blood penguin.

[orangecat]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

[Snickerzz]

Thanks!

When will the contest end?

[Youbetternot]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpH4hrV38J0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKsW28L4qsE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKsW28L4qsE

[Morpheus]

you know what's a joke? EA

[jinroh10]

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

[HutchisonSorbo]

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Uncharted218]

my friend's art degree

[jinroh10]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[bradscoolio]

Kid: Dear Santa, send me a brother!

 

Santa: Send me your mother. 

[jinroh10]

Ok....when are we gonna know who won????

[Deleon.David]

feminism.

[Lil Chillbil]

It all started on a warm and rainy beach in a halo symulation room. Tom the hippopotamus strolled down the beach with a shotgun in some bad sandra bullock movie. Wtf are they talking about? pssst. is this part of the story? Tom didn't even know anymore so he shot himself in bein

The end

[lmao234]

Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? 
Father: It means 'to be happy'. 
Son: Are you gay? 
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

[TheRuke]

A man has three daughters between the ages of 3 and 7. The oldest daughter comes up to the father and asks, "Dad, why am I named Rose?" The father responds by saying "Because on the day you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."The next day the middle daughter asked the father, "Daddy, why am I called Daisy?"The father again responded by saying "Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."An hour went by and the youngest daughter started screaming "AHHHGERDERPPERGERBAAA". The father looked up at her and yelled, "Shut up, Brick!"

[Trail Mixorz]

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: That's not funny.

[kiril.zh]

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

 

 

 

Together, we can stop this sh*t.

 

:D

[Kidbest100]

This guy and his buddies had just finished a round of golf, and were sitting on the benches chatting,when a phone rang on the bench.  

The man picks up the phone, a woman answers 

 

"Hi honey!"

The man replies "Hello dear."

 

The woman says:

I'm calling about some good deals I found!  A fur coat I saw at the mall today is down from 4200$ to 2000$!!! Can't I please get it? It's an amazing deal!

 

Absolutely dear, if you think it's a good value.

 

Thank you so much!  It will good wonderful on me.  Also, you know how we've been thinking about replacing the lexus with a jaguar?  I talked to the dealer today and he said just for us he would mark it down from 50,000$ to 35,000$! Should I tell him we'll take it?  

 

The man paused for a few moments to think, and replied, "Absolutely honey, if you think it's a good time to do that, you can pick it up..."

 

The woman thanked him again, and went on about how much of a great husband he was.

 

"One last thing, dear. Remember that one house we saw last month, right on the waterfront?  It's on the market again, and its been marked down  to 650,000$! I checked with the bank, and they went through it with me, we can get an even better mortgage than we have now with the plan they showed me!  Should we go along with it?  

 

The man sat longer this time, pondering.  After much humming and haw-ing, and coaxing from the wife, he finally agreed.

 

"Well, dear I think this could be ab ig thing for us, but I'm sure that by retirement we would definitely enjoy living on the waterfront in that beautiful home, thank you for looking into it."

 

"Oh honey thank you so much!  Enjoy the rest of your day, I'll see you when you get home so we can celebrate! Love you!!!"

"Love you too dear."

 

The man put the phone back down on the bench, looked around to all of his buddies, smiled, and said:

 

"So, anyone have a clue who's phone this is?"