Comedy Thread

[JZStudios]

It's been a while since my post about the Canadian man fined for telling a joke somewhat erupted, and I just recently watched a Don Rickles video live in Montreal and thought it might be fun to start a comedy thread to post videos or tell jokes. Anythings allowed as long as it's funny. No hurt feelings allowed.

 

[atxcyclist]

Jokes?

 

What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small medium at large.

[JZStudios]

13 hours ago, atxcyclist said:

Jokes?

 

What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small medium at large.

This forum needs to have a downvote option.

[Lady Fitzgerald]

26 minutes ago, JZStudios said:

This forum needs to have a downvote option.

A "Groan!" button would be better. I've seen downvote buttons abused on other forums.

[Guest]

41 minutes ago, Lady Fitzgerald said:

A "Groan!" button would be better. I've seen downvote buttons abused on other forums.

What about reddit? 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

1 hour ago, fpo said:

What about reddit? 

What about them? I don't use social media/

[JZStudios]

3 hours ago, Lady Fitzgerald said:

A "Groan!" button would be better. I've seen downvote buttons abused on other forums.

I've never seen a downvote button that actually does stuff. I was contemplating flagging it as a joke, but I don't know how well that goes down here.

 

Although I suppose it's not much worse than Colin's "news" stories.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

37 minutes ago, JZStudios said:

I've never seen a downvote button that actually does stuff. I was contemplating flagging it as a joke, but I don't know how well that goes down here...

I have. Several times, I've seen a handful of trollers get someone booted off a forum by repeatedly downvoting someone, no matter what they posted, until the forum software automatically booted the victim.

[Founders]

18 hours ago, atxcyclist said:

Jokes?

 

What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison?

 

A small medium at large.

[Founders]

I miss Robin Williams...

 

 

 

[JZStudios]

47 minutes ago, Lady Fitzgerald said:

I have. Several times, I've seen a handful of trollers get someone booted off a forum by repeatedly downvoting someone, no matter what they posted, until the forum software automatically booted the victim.

I don't think LTT has that feature.

 

29 minutes ago, Founders said:

I miss Robin Williams...

 

 

His arms freak me out. I've seen Irish Wolfhounds with less hair than that.

[Founders]

12 minutes ago, JZStudios said:

His arms freak me out. I've seen Irish Wolfhounds with less hair than that.

You should see his relatives. 

 

 

[JZStudios]

1 hour ago, Founders said:

You should see his relatives. 

 

 

I couldn't see the resemblance until she put on his glasses. Then it was uncanny. That poor girl needs some serious surgery stat though, cause DAMN.

[Lady Fitzgerald]

2 hours ago, JZStudios said:

I don't think LTT has that feature.

 

His arms freak me out. I've seen Irish Wolfhounds with less hair than that.

It doesn't, thank goodness.

 

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Lady Fitzgerald said:

I have. Several times, I've seen a handful of trollers get someone booted off a forum by repeatedly downvoting someone, no matter what they posted, until the forum software automatically booted the victim.

My brother got his car stolen in an Xbox 360 game so he had all his friends report him for hacking & everyone he met online & he sold upgraded cars saying to report the guy. 

After like 3 weeks he (the thief) got banned. 

[Yogi_DaBear221]

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool apopotamus?

[Yogi_DaBear221]

have some good Mitch Hedberg One-Liners 

 

When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was.

When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. We moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.

My friend said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess."

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here!"

 

I like rice, rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it."

 

When it comes to racism, people say, "I don't care if someone is white, black, purple, or green." Hold on now. Purple or green? You've gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.

[Tomsta]

I find myself liking sarcastic humour a lot

 

Also Blackadder:
 

 

One liners are also quite funny

 

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

3 hours ago, Yogi_DaBear221 said:

have some good Mitch Hedberg One-Liners 

 

When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was.

When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. We moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.

My friend said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess."

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here!"

 

I like rice, rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it."

 

When it comes to racism, people say, "I don't care if someone is white, black, purple, or green." Hold on now. Purple or green? You've gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.

LOL! All that post needed were rimshots in the appropriate places.

[JZStudios]

3 hours ago, Yogi_DaBear221 said:

have some good Mitch Hedberg One-Liners 

 

When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was.

When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. We moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.

My friend said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess."

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here!"

 

I like rice, rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it."

 

When it comes to racism, people say, "I don't care if someone is white, black, purple, or green." Hold on now. Purple or green? You've gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.

I'd recommend you to a Stephen Wright. What's weird is (I don't really know Mitch) but I really feel like I've heard Stephen say the rice and picketing thing.

 

[JZStudios]

1 hour ago, Tomsta said:

I find myself liking sarcastic humour a lot

Also Blackadder:

 

Was the one in blue the Blues musician Hugh Laurie?

[Yogi_DaBear221]

1 hour ago, JZStudios said:

I'd recommend you to a Stephen Wright. What's weird is (I don't really know Mitch) but I really feel like I've heard Stephen say the rice and picketing thing.

 

They had very similar styles, they're both one liner kind of guys

[JZStudios]

17 minutes ago, Yogi_DaBear221 said:

They had very similar styles, they're both one liner kind of guys

Seems to be the case. I just feel like I've heard those lines before and I don't watch Mitch.

[Tech_Dreamer]

5 hours ago, Caroline said:

wanna hear a joke?

 

my life

[Anomnomnomaly]

22 hours ago, Lady Fitzgerald said:

What about them? I don't use social media/

You think reddit is social media?

 

It's barely a step above 4chan.