Need some advice on my university personal statement.

[MrSufyaan]

I'm writing up my personal statement to apply to a computing course at university but I'm not sure if I should use this sentence:

 

"I build PC’s in my spare time and have put a lot of time and effort into my own, but with the ever accelerating progress of technology I don’t believe I will ever truly complete it."

 

I know it's extremely cheesy but I'm pretty sure that's the point.

 

can anyone advise?

 

Thanks.

[Pugs501]

What is your current build?

[Guest]

remove end of that sentence and transform it to something like "it will always be open for upgrade"

[MrSufyaan]

What is your current build?

http://pcpartpicker.com/p/KtdPYJ

Thanks for making me waste 15 mins 

remove end of that sentence and transform it to something like "it will always be open for upgrade"

so does this sound right to you?

 

"I build PC’s in my spare time and have put a lot of time and effort into my own, but with the ever accelerating progress of technology it will always be open for upgrade."

[Maheshvara]

http://pcpartpicker.com/p/KtdPYJ

Thanks for making me waste 15 mins 

so does this sound right to you?

 

"I build PC’s in my spare time and have put a lot of time and effort into my own, but with the ever accelerating progress of technology it will always be open for upgrade."

To me it sounds... odd...

 

 

Try putting something like "...but with ever accelerating progress of technology i think i'll never reach my full potential"... Or something like that, and that getting into that school will allow you to reach it

[Yoinkerman]

No one will have any idea what you're talking about.  Personally I would put something about technology ever changing leads to continual learning opportunities or some such garbage.

[xox]

Jesus fucking Christ dude, still doing your personal statement? Hurry up, should've finished in October dude for the best chances.

 

"I build PC’s in my spare time and have put a lot of time and effort into my own, but with the ever accelerating progress of technology I don’t believe I will ever truly complete it."

 

Let me think... I've concluded that it's not good enough; you've incorrectly used an apostrophe (PC's ->PCs), and it would have been better put like this:

//p

"A pastime of mine is building computers, something I have a strong interest in. As a perfectionist, I feel that every computer I build could be better, so when I make a mistake, I adapt my style each time to improve what I do. This will help me as I progress on to university because [insert stuff about self-improvement here]"

 

Feel free to re-word btw.