[ARCHIVE] Candy Ass Gamers by www.gdhardware.com

[Wyre]

I searched gdhardware for this article that I read a long time ago... and to my surprise it was gone. Using wayback machine I was able to pull it from the archive. I thought that this would be something interesting for newer members of the PC Gaming Master Race to read, and discuss.

 

-This is not my work, I just wished to share it-

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

FPS Multiplayer

Can you say Bull****, neighbor?  We knew you could.

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster Online:

Main Entry: 1game
Pronunciation: 'gAm
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English gamen; akin to Old High German gaman amusement
1 a (1) : activity engaged in for diversion or amusement : (2) : the equipment for a game b :often derisive or mocking jesting : FUN, SPORT <make game of a nervous player>
2 a : a procedure or strategy for gaining an end : TACTIC b : an illegal or shady scheme or maneuver : RACKET
3 a (1) : a physical or mental competition conducted according to rules with the participants in direct opposition to each other (2) : a division of a larger contest (3) : the number of points necessary to win (4) : points scored in certain card games (as in all fours) by a player whose cards count up the highest (5) : the manner of playing in a contest (6) : the set of rules governing a game (7) : a particular aspect or phase of play in a game or sport <a football team's kicking game> b plural : organized athletics c (1) : a field of gainful activity : LINE <the newspaper game> (2) : any activity undertaken or regarded as a contest involving rivalry, strategy, or struggle.

This article has been thundering and rumbling between me and many of my fellow gamers for quite some time now, and its delay in publication is due mostly to the fact of how much it distresses us to have to write it. 

A growing trend has infested the gaming industry over the past several years. It would seem that a new generation has begun to take over the PC Gaming scene of late. Nearly gone are the days of clean, skill-driven online gaming, where truly, the best gamer wins the match—high-pitched screams of outrage by those who don’t wish to take the time and effort to become honestly talented at a PC game have apparently begun to be heard by developers over the last couple years, and the legacy of what we refer to as “Candy-Ass Gamers” has begun to overshadow the industry. This insidious plague has reared its ugly head to the point that we now see just about every shooter being churned out geared to the lowest common denominator—candy-ass, pansy gamers who insist that any form of FPS gaming which doesn’t incorporate floating sniper scopes, random target hits and other nonsense (read: realism), somehow isn’t “fair”. This whine-driven “no practice required” mentality, which apparently motivates developers and publishers to cripple those who are willing to take the time to practice, hone their skills, and become great at a title while simultaneously boosting the ability of someone who’s not willing to work to become good at a game has really gotten under our collective skins. 

Call me old-school – I’ll take it as a compliment – but we started playing multiplayer shooters back with the original Doom and ever since have always appreciated FPS games that use a similar formula of “pureness” in the sense that you can actually hit what you aim at *gasp* – what a concept! 

In what seems to be a constant nod to the smacktards, we have begun to see nearly all the major publishers putting out trashy-playing multiplayer games which cater to the insanity in ways that alienate those of us who cut our teeth on games like Medal of Honor, Quake, the original Unreal Tournament, and Doom, just to name a few. 

Some will blame games like Counter Strike as popularizing the whole “one shot, you’re dead” mantra. Since those angry mobs who get owned in a true online match seem to be the most vocal, while the talented sit quietly by and smile, it appears that the squeaky wheel has begun to get the grease on a regular basis. Well, it’s time for the dedicated online gamers to start bellowing back.

 

Since the developers are apparently hearing feedback only from those that demand games be “fair to everyone”, they’re at great pains to make it so—all, of course, in the interest of sales. Well time out, scooter—I’m here to go on record as saying that if you’re sitting in front of a 17-inch monitor, utilizing a keyboard and mouse to compete in an online title, you’re a gamer. Period. If you want “gritty realism”, take your ass out of the house and go physically DO whatever it is you’re bitching about. You want to smoke terrorists in a burned out building where one shot drops ‘em every time? Join the military. Become a mercenary. Whatever. Just shut your pie-hole and quit demanding that type of action in what is supposed to be a game. Games are competitions where a specific set of rules apply and only practice at those games and God-given skills will result in your success. Changing the rules to accommodate your unwillingness to make the effort is NOT FAIR. 

Listen, Timmy, if everyone was good at everything, nothing would be competitive anymore. Not everyone can be a major-league baseball player or NFL Quarterback. That’s life. Would you rather watch Monday Night football when the best players are forced to either use their weak hand or have lead weights tied to their ankles so the rookies have a “fighting chance” to score a touchdown? That’s not a game, that’s boring with a capital B.

If that’s not clear enough, try looking at it this way—I’m pretty sure that knights didn’t ride in only an L-shaped pattern into battle. I’m also fairly certain that the queen never entered the battlefield, and I never saw a bishop walking diagonally across the town square. Yet in a somewhat popular title called “Chess” that’s the way the game is played. It’s a game with clearly defined rules where nothing but brains and practice will get you through. Would you change the rules of this title, the parameters of gameplay, so that without practicing you could have a fair chance to win? If so, congratulations—you’re not playing Chess anymore. The rules go out the window in the interest of you getting to say “I win”, and you just killed the game, ya Candy-Ass.

True PC Gamers want their games to be fun and are always mindful that they are playing a game and that it’s not supposed to be real. In fact, real isn’t fun; that’s why we play games in the first place isn’t it? The thought of going out in real life and getting hit by a bullet and instantly dying in a battle does not sound like our idea of a good time, and yet these candy-ass gamers insist that games need to be “realistic” in order to be fair. We ask you: fair to whom? Certainly not those who’ve actually spent more than two hours practicing at them, that’s for damn sure.

How about this concept, kids? Learn some SKILLS and stop bitching about those who have them. Are you getting slammed by snipers and others who have something called “good aim”? (If that term is foreign to you, it’s something that comes with time and used to matter before “random” code and “floating” sniper scopes.) If this pesky “good aim” syndrome continuously results in a negative ratio at the end the matches you’re playing in, then keep practicing, and maybe, by the time you’re old enough to drive, YOU’LL have found some “good aim”. Until you do find it, stop complaining to the developers that games need to somehow be “fair” just so your sorry butt has a chance. Get over it!

To top this whole mess off, now we’re starting to see an increasing trend in which game reviewer positions at leading publications are apparently being filled with rainbow-and-gumdrops candy-ass gamers who can’t embrace a solid MP shooter like Quake 4 – instead, they complain how it “offers nothing new”. Well heavens to mergatroid! When “new” = “sucks”, then BRAVO to Raven for sticking with the old. It’s a sad day in cyberspace when everyone we know can’t wait to get their hands on a title because it’s “old school”, and it actually plays online the way online was meant to be played. Not to sound like a bunch of Quake fanboys, but developers could do a hell of a lot worse than to have the balls to put out a title with as clean a multiplayer side as Quake 4 boasts. 

Today we learn that Call of Duty 2 has a new healing system that’s obviously trying to cater to Candy-ass vermin – check this out – you can go rest until you’re healed up! They should rename the game to “Call of Campers”. This kind of watered down ideology from Infinity Ward speaks volumes to the fact that they made this game more for Console gamers (mass appeal) other than real gamers.

 

In closing, we've quickly formulated a small guide to help those who are unclear about their status in online gaming:

"You might be a Candy-Ass FPS Gamer if…"

 

1. You hear the word float – the first thing that comes to your mind is a sniper scope.

2. You think that "strategic gameplay" means you sit in one spot and camp for longer than 60 seconds.

3. You've never done a rocket-jump.

4. You’re waiting with baited breath for (enter name of next-gen console here).

5. You've never been to a LAN party.

6. You’re stoked about the news of an XBOX 360 controller for the PC.

7. Your idea of practice is spending two hours surfing the net for an aim hack.

8. You refuse to install that "Punkbuster" thingy because you’re worried it might block Kazaa.

9. You've never been invited to join a clan.

10. You’re too young to vote in an election but you've demanded a gameplay patch from a developer.

11. You've spent less than fifty hours playing a multiplayer title and have decided it’s “not fair” and everyone else is “cheating”.

12. You refuse to use any weapon that carries less than 500 rounds, has a rate of fire below 300 rounds per minute, or doesn’t utilize “splash damage”.

13. You have never memorized a map or the locations of weapons and power-ups.

14. You’ve never competed in an online tournament.

15. You don’t have time to hone your skills because your geometry homework is overdue.

16. Your only knowledge of World War II is via cutscenes.

17. You’ve never hammered on your keyboard and then kept playing.

18. You minimize your game more than three times per match to type a message in Xfire, ICQ or AIM.

19. You’ve never figured out what the point of that “frisbee gun” is in Unreal Tournament.

20. You’d rather spray paint your logo on the wall than spray your opponents all over the wall.

 

21. (For Thresh) If you think Xfire is the name of a Chrysler product!

If the shoe fits, then wear it, and by all means—less talk more practice. You wanna feel like you’re king of the hill? Work for it. It’s not the developers’ responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. That’s your mommy’s job, and we ain’t her. It’s a tough old world out there in the servers, and if you’re weak, then prepare to lose. Just remember—how you take losing and what you do to fix it is as important as winning. Now go get ready for bed, Candy-Ass—it’s a school night.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

The gdhardware forums also appear to have been removed... So, let us discuss this editorial... Do you feel that this trend has continued?

 

 

 

 

 

SOURCE: http://web.archive.org/web/20051029094206/http://www.gdhardware.com/ed/gaming_cynic/candyass/001.htm

[AlwaysFSX]

*sigh* I think this is the td;dr version of the original too.

[Askew]

Yeah I'm gonna need a tldr on this one..

[BonBon Scott]

That is alot of words. Too many in fact, I'm going to eat Turkish Delight instead.

[atrash]

That is alot of words. Too many in fact, I'm going to eat Turkish Delight instead.

 

LOL your profile picture is so fitting with the post.