Need help

[akrickyboby]

sorry wrong board

[Youbetternot]

I feel like there is alot of grammatical errors 

[guas5373]

This is a tech forum...

[Ryan Leech]

Seems to be lacking in the English department

[Imabigmac]

So what exactly are we attempting to "troubleshoot"? 

[akrickyboby]

my Jamaican friend wrote it up good

[akrickyboby]

So what exactly are we attempting to "troubleshoot"? 

my Jamaican friends English box

[Sarcasm]

Wait, so this is your friend's paper or whatever that he asked you to look at, and you're trying to offload that on us? HELL NAW.

[helping]

If some one could help me with my story that would be awesome.

Summer in the Hamptons. Pretentious parties. Expensive

dinners. Overbearing mother. My life for the next 29 days, 11

hours and (checks watch) 23 minutes. Sigh. Tonight is the

Zolchak’s Annual Summer Kick­Off Party. Mother demanded that

I not only show up on time, but dressed to kill. She has no idea     (I don't think this is phrased correctly) 

how true that statement is (I don't understand why this sentence is here).

My name is Annabelle Zolchak. Annie. Only child. 28 years old.

Daughter to Tomas and Maria Zolchak. Yes, of the billion dollar

Zolchak Technology Firm. Hired assassin.

I arrive at 4231 Hemmingway (heh) Lane, the summer home of my youth.

As I look through the tinted windows of the town car, waiting for the (omit comma) 

wrought iron gate to open, I ‘m amazed at the emotions that 

course through my body (cliche imo). I grew up here. Had my first kiss here.

Lost my virginity here. Nursed my first broken heart here. As the car moves slowly up the gravel driveway, stones crunching

under the weight of the vehicle, I prepare myself for my mother’s

disapproving eye and condescending noise (dehumanization, also matches w/ father) and my father’s cold,

calculating watch and clipped tone. Faster than I would have liked,

the car has stopped and the driver has opened my door. Time to

put Annie away and let Annabelle emerge.

I plaster on my “It’s so great to see you, I am thrilled to be here”

smile and make my way to my mother’s side. Of course she is

surrounded by her “friends” -- more like fake, back stabbing,  (suggested changes made)

patronizing bitches; of all my mother being the worst.

ANNABELLE: Good evening, Mother. (Double cheek air kiss)  (Some might call that shift from first to third person wrong, but I think it's a good intential misuse to distance the character egos) 

MOTHER (Maria): Annabelle, sweetheart, so glad you could join

us. (Glances at watch)ANNABELLE: Of course, Mother. I said I wouldn’t miss it for the (suggest change to, "Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world, mother," omit "I said" here) 

world. I am looking forward to reconnecting with old friends and

meeting new ones. (SMILEs and glances at mother’s friends)

MOTHER: Let’s go get you something to drink before you make

your rounds. (TURNS TO FRIENDS) Excuse us for a moment,

please mingle and enjoy yourselves.

As we walk across the manicured lawn, weaving in between white 

cloth covered tables and tux attired wait staff, mother is droning on

about the usual. How disappointed she is that I am late. How my

dress is not what she expected me to wear. How I am not getting (suggest merging into tricolon for successive effect)

any younger and need to settle down. Blah Blah Blah. (Glance at

watch) Sigh. 29 days, 10 hours and 45 minutes to go.I snap back to reality (kind of unoriginal, change if you can) when we stop at the bar. Alcohol! Yes, just

what I need to take the edge off of being here. This is a new

record. Usually it takes Mother a couple of hours to provoke me

enough to need the burning and numbing power of liquor to sedate (I would use a different word [i.e. pacify, mellow], sedate is too specific IMO) 

me enough to get through the first day in her presence.

ANNABELLE: (Looking at the bartender) I’ll have a Jack and….

MOTHER: (Exasperated sigh) ...She will have a mimosa.

(Turning to Annabelle) Really Annabelle. You are a lady. In the

Hamptons. Not a street walker in a seedy bar. I expect better

from you. Our guests look to us to set the standards.ANNABELLE: Of course, Mother. (SMILE) You are right. Thank

you for pointing out my errors. It will not happen again.

MOTHER: Thank you.

ANNABELLE: So, tell me about this gentleman you would like me

to meet today. (tonight, if this is night) 

MOTHER: (BIG SMILE) Oh Annabelle! You will LOVE him. He 

comes from “old money”. He is hand…His name is PeterCanterelli…He is 30 years…  (old money does not need qutations, might rephrase to more colloquail "he is/he's old money")

As she continues to provide me with the statistics of Peter

Canterelli…wait…where have I heard that name before? Peter

Canterelli…Peter Canter…OH MY GOD…I know where…

MOTHER: …oh here he comes now. Good evening, Peter. I

would like to introduce you to my daughter. Annabelle, this is

Peter Canterelli. Peter, this is my daughter, Annabelle.

ANNABELLE: (SMILE) It is a pleasure to meet you Peter. My

mother has told me so much about you.PETER: No, it is MY pleasure to make your acquaintance

Annabelle. My mother has also…

Oh Mother. FINALLY, your meddling has worked in my favor. Mr.

Peter Canterelli, son and heir to the Canterelli crime family, is my

mark.

My summer just got more exciting.A Hit in the HamptonsReply Quote Set Flag

OK

I feel like there is alot of grammatical errors

There are a few and surely some I missed, but in an actual literary work you can throw that shit out the door and not care since it's ok to bend rules in stories.

His teacher, however..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

aaand he goes offline before I even finish. Well that's just dandy. 

Edited October 28, 2013 by helping