i desperately need help

[farhanorakzai]

i wrote a story for my english class, in which i had to show one of the seven sins: anger, and had to make it somewhat entertaining. i wrote a story about a man who discovers that his girlfriend had been cheating on him with his brother and plans to kill him out of anger. i was supposed to show the flaw of the sin, so i made him fall for his own traps because he could not think out of anger. its verry short, so can you please read it and tell me how it is, or help edit? i have an fps bundle with 10 steam keys to give because i am really bad at anything to do with creativity, so i need help

[farhanorakzai]

story:

 

Ken Rick started digging quickly, awaiting his brother, Dave Rick’s arrival after inviting him over for lunch. When he was finished digging, he placed spikes at the bottom of the whole to finally get rid of his betraying brother. As he climbed out of the hole, he covered it with leaves and branches, and put a chair lightly on top with a small table where they would eat. As Ken Rick finished his trap, volleyball hit him. Anger overwhelmed him as he ran after the children playing near him.  When the children outran him, Ken Rick could not think clearly because of how angry he was. He needed to catch his breath and sat down in a chair…. on the trap he had prepared for his brother.

[Firearm2112]

if you buy me gta 5 on 360 i will give you my 10 page long breaking bad fanfiction cross over with the walking dead that shows the sin of greed and wraith

[techswede]

story:

 

Ken Rick started digging quickly, awaiting his brother, Dave Rick’s arrival after inviting him over for lunch. When he was finished digging, he placed spikes at the bottom of the hole to finally get rid of his betraying brother. As he climbed out of the hole, he covered it with leaves and branches, and placed a chair lightly on top with a small table where they would eat. As Ken Rick finished his trap, a volleyball hit him. Anger overwhelmed him as he ran after the children playing near him.  When the children outran him, Ken Rick could not think clearly because of how angry he was. He needed to catch his breath and sat down in a chair…. on the trap he had prepared for his brother.

Just a tiny spellng mistake and poor wording that i could see right now.

[AMaleWhale]

not really creative my self either, but I have one helpful tip. With that type of story you should write about jelousy, not anger. Jelousy is one of the seven sins too right?

[FuzzyYellow]

story:

 

Ken Rick started digging quickly, awaiting his brother, Dave Rick’s arrival after inviting him over for lunch. When he was finished digging, he placed spikes at the bottom of the whole to finally get rid of his betraying brother. As he climbed out of the hole, he covered it with leaves and branches, and put a chair lightly on top with a small table where they would eat. As Ken Rick finished his trap, volleyball hit him. Anger overwhelmed him as he ran after the children playing near him.  When the children outran him, Ken Rick could not think clearly because of how angry he was. He needed to catch his breath and sat down in a chair…. on the trap he had prepared for his brother.

Its good. it needs something more about why he was angry at his brother, add more info.

[Firearm2112]

Ken Rick started digging quickly, awaiting his brother, Dave Rick’s arrival after inviting him over for lunch. When he was finished digging, he placed spikes at the bottom of the hole to finally get rid of his betraying brother. As he climbed out of the hole, he covered it with leaves and branches, and placed a chair lightly on top with a small table where they would eat. As Ken Rick finished his trap, the chandelier that hung atop the table, swung into his sinish face. Anger overwhelmed him as he ran after the children playing near him.  When the children outran him, Ken Rick could not think clearly because of how angry he was. He needed to catch his breath and sat down in a chair…. on the trap he had prepared for his brother.

[farhanorakzai]

not really creative my self either, but I have one helpful tip. With that type of story you should write about jelousy, not anger. Jelousy is one of the seven sins too right?

i was assigned anger

 

Its good. it needs something more about why he was angry at his brother, add more info.

this is my part. my partners are doing the rest

[FuzzyYellow]

i was assigned anger

 

this is my part. my partners are doing the rest

i see. then maybe just try to work some more adjectives/adverbs into it to make it pop.

 

"as he climbed out of the hole, he gently/haphazardly/thoughtfully/etc. covered the hole with...."