I need Critique!

[xARACHN1D]

I need Critique on a scene for a playwright that I wrote. I wanted to get other people's thoughts on it. I know its not great and I still probably need to work a lot on it. but any feedback would help for those to take the time to read it.

ENG. 3 Playwright

By Nicholas hanson

(The Emperor Rules with an Iron Fist, alongside his merciless Empress Avelyn of the galactic empire. Successor Astruc has seen the injustices of his emperor and empress and knows that he must put a stop to what is going on. He decided to hire a assassin, Olympio Videnov, a Specialist that deals primarily with poison and knives. He is a S Class assassin. He has never missed his mark before.)

(Emperor Giraudus, Empress Avelyn, Olympio Videnov, Successor Astruc, servant 1, servant 2, servant 3, medical officer Oliver Parris)

(The Emperor and empress have retired to their bedroom to sleep. While successor Astruc is busy eating his meal.)

Servant 1: Successor! Come Swiftly thy Lordship!

Successor Astruc: Why?! What has carried out servant?!

Servant 1: There is no Time my lordship, the emperor has been attacked!

Successor Astruc: By Stars Sake! Move Swiftly Servant! Take me to his quarters!

Servant 1: Yes, My lordship.

Servant 1 leads the successor to the emperor’s bedroom where the emperor lays ill upon his bed.

Successor Astruc: Quick! Where is the medical officer?

Servant 2: He is on his way my lordship.

Successor Astruc: Make him come quickly. What has happened to the emperor?

Servant 3: He has taken a knife to the neck!

Successor Astruc: Dear Lord! Ah, Here is the medical officer to enlighten us upon the situation further.

Oliver Parris: Why Hello successor. Quick, I must see the emperor.

Successor Astruc: Ah yes. He is over here.

Successor Astruc Leads Oliver Parris to the Emperor’s bedside and the medical officer checks on the king and does a thorough examination.

 Successor Astruc: So, What seems to be the matter?

Oliver Parris: It was no doubt this was to be an attempt on the emperor’s life. The assassin barely missed his jugular vein. If he had hit it, The king would be dead already.

Successor Astruc: (With a slight worry in his voice) So the king will be ok?

Oliver Parris: I never said that.

Oliver Parris: It seems to me that the blade in question has been poisoned.

Successor Astruc: God! Of which poison was used?!

Oliver Parris: (With a dark and gloomy sound to his voice Murmurs something inaudible)

Successor Astruc: Dear stars! Speak up Officer!

Oliver Parris: He seems to have been poisoned with… Nightshade my lord.

Successor Astruc: Is it curable Oliver?!

Oliver Parris: I am afraid not my lord. Since it was only on the blade and not ingested directly, I am afraid he has till but the end of day tomorrow.

Successor Astruc: Lord Help Us all! (To servant 3) Call galactic counsel. Immediately. We must discuss plans and preparations.

Servant 3: It will be done my lord.

(We Are now at the galactic counsel in which the Succesor is giving a speech regarding the kings death and calling for someone to come forward to take the blame for the assanination of the emperor.)

Successor Astruc: We have Fallen upon ashen times my dear subjects. Our once great emperor, has sadly befallen to death. He was Assainated late last night in his own quarters. It was not the blade as to which did him in, no. but it was the nightshade poison. I am making a royal decree in the emperors behalf. I wish for the assassin to come forward… And Accept any consequences that are to follow. And then an-

(We hear a slight voice from the crowd which will come to be known as Olympio Videnov.)

Olympio: (we hear a slight murmur from him)

Successor Astruc: Speak! Whoever you are! (With GREAT worry in his voice.)

Olympio: T’was But I! I killed the Emperor! For you see, I am an S- Rank Assasin from the nebula system.

(Immediate rush of yells and screams that ripple through the wide and large galactic counsel chamber)

Successor Astruc: SILENCE!

(The room goes quite)

Olympio: Ah, But see while I did assassinate the king with my very own poisoned blade, think yet again as to what I am… I am an assassin. So are you not curious as to who Hired me?

(The Room stays silent and The Successor is beginning to worry.)

Successor Astruc: We need not hear of ones blasphe-

Random senator: But I do wish to hear of who orchestrated the death of our emeror!

Random senator 1: Yes I do as well.

Olympio: Well then let me enlighten you my dear senators. It was but the one and only, Successor Astruc Who orchestrated the death of your emperor.(Yelling which Olympio silences)But this is what I intend to propose. I have spoken with the Empress… and she wishes me to rule by her side! I shalt become your next emperor!

Successor Astruc: Such Falsehoods! This couldn’t possibly be true could it Empress?

Empress Avelyn: (She has been silent this whole time) Ah, But it is dear successor. For You betrayed this kingdom, and this man had but a job to fulfill. He will be able to rule with an iron fist, and make this empire even greater than it was before!

Emperor Olympio: I am therefore your new emperor! I immediately call for a sacrifice for my coronation, and the one to carry out this sacrifice will be The Medical officer Oliver Parris! He will be taking the life of our beloved successor! I will rush our empire into a new Era! The Olympian Era!

Everyone else in the room: LONG LIVE THE OLYMPIANS! LONG LIVE THE OLYMPIANS! LONG LIVE THE OLYMPIANS!

 

End Scene

PlayWright.docx

[Spotty]

3 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

Successor Astruc: Make him come quickly.

Phrasing

 

3 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

Servant 3: He has taken a knife to the neck!

Successor Astruc: Dear Lord! Ah, Here is the medical officer to enlighten us upon the situation further.

Oliver Parris: Why Hello successor. Quick, I must see the emperor.

I'm pretty sure they wouldn't bother with such pleasantries when the Emperor has been attacked by an assassin. It would be like casually asking someone how their weekend was while the room is on fire.

 

5 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

Servant 3: He has taken a knife to the neck!

Successor Astruc: Dear Lord! Ah, Here is the medical officer to enlighten us upon the situation further.

....

 Successor Astruc: So, What seems to be the matter?

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER??! He's got a severe case of being stabbed in the neck is the matter.

 

I'm not sure if you're trying to go for a drama or a monty python sketch.

 

9 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

Olympio: T’was But I! I killed the Emperor! For you see, I am an S- Rank Assasin from the nebula system.

Why would the assassin be at the counsel meeting, and why would an S class assassin admit to being an S class assassin, and who bestows the ranks to assassin's? Also at what point did they travel back in time to ye Olde England? Have you ever heard anyone say "t'was but I"? Let alone a cold blooded multiple murderer.

 

11 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

Olympio: Ah, But see while I did assassinate the king with my very own poisoned blade, think yet again as to what I am… I am an assassin. So are you not curious as to who Hired me?

No. Don't care. But for some reason I'm sure he's going to tell us anyway.

 

26 minutes ago, xARACHN1D said:

I have spoken with the Empress… and she wishes me to rule by her side! I shalt become your next emperor!

At what point did this assassin who was hired from another galaxy have time to chat with the empress and convince her to allow him to rule at her side? It can't have been before he stabbed the Emperor as the Emperor and empress retired to their bed chambers together, unless you're suggesting the Emperor was okay with the empress scheming to overthrow her husband with another man in their bed...?

It can't have been after he stabbed the Emperor either as he had to flee the scene before the servants discovered what happened, and it's not like she would be in the mood to have a chat with the man who just stabbed her husband.

It couldn't have been between the time the Emperor was found stabbed and the counsel meeting because the meeting was called "immediately". 

 

 

The story doesn't make any logical sense and the writing is all over the place.