Can someone help me proof read?

[FLAMMABLEGAS17481]

I have no one to help me change anything so can someone proof read this and tell me any changes i should do

Thanks

 

The task is

Option 2: Argumentative piece

What are the immediate and long-term effects of the children who attended the native settlement missions in Australia?

Please make sure you create a clear argument and provide enough support (examples).

 

And here is what i wrote!

Introduction

From the beginning of the 20^th century to the 1970s, half caste children were effectively taken away from their parents against their will, this resulted into catastrophic effects, varying from instant to indelible. The effects were diverse, but some stood out, such as their depression and emotions, agonizing them for life, the rejection they faced started making them believe their isolation and their loss of property and skills. It is clear that we controlled them harshly and it’s all our previous ideas fault.

 

Body 1

It hurts to know that your parents are dead, but it kills to get forcibly removed from them while they are alive, half castes from any age would’ve fell into a deep dark depression instantly, causing them to reject everyone and also reject themselves. This made them vulnerable, they would’ve gotten misused, manipulated and even abused. One in 11 girls became pregnant while apprenticed, one in 12 died, and one in seven ran away. -Aboriginal Protection Board's ward registers, 1916 to 1928. This resulted in many half caste hating all people, even their own.

Body 2

Aboriginals know nature, and the ways to survive it. They  taught those skills to the young but that’s not the only things they taught, each clan had their own language and their own land, they taught all the young ones everything they knew but when Forcibly removed they might’ve still not learnt everything or even if they have by the time they regain their freedom they would have forgotten their language, their skills would’ve blunted but if all the children were taken from a tribe the only ones left would be the adults and elders who might pass away in 20 years. It may take more than 20 years to regain their freedom thus losing their land but also losing their identity, I have no identity really.—Cynthia Sariago, daughter of a stolen woman, now individuals might look for things to take their mind off stress, addictions.

 

Body 3

 

When under Stress and depression individuals might look for things to put their mind off, some will find work, some will find a nice home and then get married but some might fall in to the grasps of an addiction, may it be alcohol, smoking or drugs they are all problematic. They will lead into being broke, then that might lead into stealing and then stealing will become kidnapping then murdering then one day justice will stop you and you will end up in a state penitentiary, Aboriginal people represent only 3% of the total population  of Australia, yet more than 28% of Australia’s prison population are Aboriginal.

 

Conclusion

The short and long terms effects the aboriginals suffered from were ruthless. The depression they went through is unimaginable, the abuse some received, their loss of family, loss of skills and loss identity. That all led to addictions and some went too far and ended up in jail. The Ideas of stealing other people children is wrong and inhumane, And should never ever occur in the history of mankind.

 

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Decon]

body two has a pretty run-on sentence...

[FLAMMABLEGAS17481]

i did this when i was tired and i absolutely hate it! i want to rewrite.

[DevilishBooster]

I have a BA in English and I focused in writing. PM me for my email and you can send me the word doc. I'll send it back marked up.

[FLAMMABLEGAS17481]

I have a BA in English and I focused in writing. PM me for my email and you can send me the word doc. I'll send it back marked up.

Will do thanks