I need help

[asperates]

I'm just putting this out here in a random forum I stumbled upon for those out there to read into but I'm not going to make it personal, instead, I'll merely share just enough details to understand what is happening.

My family & I lived satisfied in a house we rented. However, 2 years later (now), we got into a financial burden and everything fell apart to the point where we dropped back to square one in a small apartment. It's been a while since we moved out and this is the first time I'm speaking up about it because I need help. Though the problem is I don't want anyone to know that. I'm a man of dignity and supposed to care for my parents. I want my identity hidden and no one else to know who I am that needs help, I'm embarrassed and desperate for help.

Additionally, I'm a college student majoring in biology (aspiring medical student). I was born with vision and hearing problem that affects my ability to work, so I'm disabled. The major issues are hearing loss and night blindness. I've tried various ways to find a job but no luck whatsoever. However, now I'm working as an Uber and DoorDash delivery driver hopelessly holding onto whatever surplus I could save alongside my financial aid. My mom is a medical assistant but it's not enough, so she's looking forward to finding another job. My dad is disabled so he can't do much. 

If there's anyone out there who can help guide me on the right path or provide me with money advice, I desperately need it.

[Needfuldoer]

Apply for any and all assistance available in your area that your household qualifies for. Section 8 or public housing, EBT, WIC, SSI... Whatever gets you some breathing room in the short term.

 

Don't conflate dignity with stubborn pride. There's no shame in asking for help to get back on your feet, that's what it's there for. 

[wasab]

Lol. What's so embarrassed about? I rent a tiny studio despite the fact I make over double the median income in my area.

 

When I was in college, I lived on just $200 bucks USD a week after taxes. It paid for all my rent and food during the school year while my full time summer and winter jobs picked up the rest. I did pretty much the same minimum wage work you did. 

 

At the end of the day, everyone struggles to survive and provide for his family so all labors have dignity and deserve equal respects, as long as they are legal and ethical of course. 

 

Here is my advice. Take some gap years from school to work fulltime if you have to. Come back when you are in a better financial position. What country are you from btw? I can't offer any more advice without knowing this. I assume you are asian or south asian from "taking care of parents"? It sounds like confucian filial piety and that you are from a developing country in which parents mostly rely on their children for their retirements and social security.  

[asperates]

On 4/9/2024 at 11:54 AM, wasab said:

Lol. What's so embarrassed about? I rent a tiny studio despite the fact I make over double the median income in my area.

 

When I was in college, I lived on just $200 bucks USD a week after taxes. It paid for all my rent and food during the school year while my full time summer and winter jobs picked up the rest. I did pretty much the same minimum wage work you did. 

 

At the end of the day, everyone struggles to survive and provide for his family so all labors have dignity and deserve equal respects, as long as they are legal and ethical of course. 

 

Here is my advice. Take some gap years from school to work fulltime if you have to. Come back when you are in a better financial position. What country are you from btw? I can't offer any more advice without knowing this. I assume you are asian or south asian from "taking care of parents"? It sounds like confucian filial piety and that you are from a developing country in which parents mostly rely on their children for their retirements and social security.  

I am in California, that's the worst part of this situation. But I can't take gap years, I need to commit to my education, but thank you for the advice.

 

EDIT: I am from the Asia continent, specifically Middle East. I am Chaldean (Babylonian basically) and it's a rule to watch over your parents after you're grown. However, I think it's common in society that the children who grow up end up taking care of their parents. I'm in my early 20s and I feel useless -- especially with the situation we're going through but your comment on surviving with minimum wage motivated me. 

 

I believe I just need to work, work, work, and set aside my rest (I will still watch my sleep), and hopefully have enough surplus to help my mom put a down payment on a new house to pay off its mortgage. I do not think I should be worried at all because I still have a roof over my head regardless so I cannot be complaining as I'm aware of those in a much difficult scenario than I am. 

[bluessorrow]

Sorry that I probably couldn't provide much useful advice, but do listen to what they said here, dignity is not the excuse of not asking for help.

On 4/5/2024 at 10:14 AM, Needfuldoer said:

Don't conflate dignity with stubborn pride. There's no shame in asking for help to get back on your feet, that's what it's there for. 

Being a single child, growing up in Asian as well, I was also growing up taught not to show weakness in front of others, do not lose face, do not even DARE to make self deprecating joke because other will take it seriously, talk behind my back and look down on me. Even now, my mom would freaked the f* out if I say self deprecation jokes in front of her, her reaction is childish and backward to me.

 

It will feel vulnerable letting other's know your hardship for sure, there is really nothing to be embarrassed about, life is always going to be ups and downs, and anyone who is lucky enough to not suffered any down yet, would always have their world collapsing on them when they do. I feel very lucky that I am in a better position right now, but I am also glad that there for that 5 or 6 years of my life when I could not see where my life was going. I felt completely lost and have absolutely zero motivation of doing what I was doing, as there is not a single shred of hope in my mind. But I kept my head down, trying to make the best decisions whenever I got a chance (though I still f* things up A LOT), and it did get better for me and I did have to worked for that.

 

I hope this is not too annoying to hear, but life does get better if you don't lose hope. If the current situation is too much to handle, just look at the next decision you have to make, trying to make that ONE decision right. Kristen Bell's "The Next Right Thing" from Frozen 2 kept me going at my lowest, I hope it would help you feeling a little bit better as well.

 

That said, I am not sure where you currently are, try to maximize the government aid that your family is eligible for, but I think you are already doing that? And if you think there are anyone around you that is capable of helping you out, please do try to speak out and ask. Worse case scenario they would look down on you, given that your group could also be a toxic Asian community like mines did. You know what? Those b* aren't deserve to be my "friends", and I now know for a fact that they are toxic and I will stay the f* away from those assholes. Don't waste your energy on those dickheads, they are not a decent friend or a decent human being, they don't matter, and they are dead to me.

 

Like I said, I am in a better place now, but I didn't do this alone. My ex-girlfriend now wife gave me great helps getting me out of that perpetual hopeless situation. I could not have done it alone, she knew that, and I have no shame admitting that. I am forever in debt of what she did for me, but she never held that against me, not once. Because she understood that I also needed to work hard to get myself out of there, she felt like I earned her support, and I earned what we achieved together, and we are happily ever after. (Thought the ongoing couples counseling bill might disagree, we are overall happy but marriage is hard.) That's what a good friend should be.

 

Me personally might not be a great friend that keeps contact all the time, but I always appreciate it when my friends asked for my help, and I will do whatever I can to lend them a hand. Because they trust me enough to open up to me for their vulnerability, acknowledge my importance and my ability, would not guilt me if I can't help out. As someone who has a permanent case of imposter syndrome for literally anything I do in life, including right now when I am typing this essay of a comment, I felt seen and appreciated. I am not saying that's what a great friend would be, because I think this is the minimum of what a decent human being should be.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, I hope you can see light at the end of this tunnel soon. But before that, please do not lost hope, keep your head up, one step at a time. Wish you the absolute best!

[wasab]

21 hours ago, asperates said:

I am in California, that's the worst part of this situation. But I can't take gap years, I need to commit to my education, but thank you for the advice.

You shouldn't have a problem with tuition as long as you enroll in an instate public school. Tuition should be entirely knock out by aid with even some left over for books and other stuffs. You just focus on your rent, food, daily necessities if applicable. I did not rely on my family's help back in college because honestly, those aids, grants, and need-based scholarships for public school were a full ride. People talk about how expensive college is in this country but really, if there is a will, there is a way. The only difference is that you simply need to put up with more sacrifice compared to people with money and more resources. Also, knowledge is free to learn as long as you have an internet connection and access to the public library. You can self teach all those college courses entirely online. The only thing you will lack is the diploma/certificate aka a degree which is what schools actually charge you an arm and a leg for. 

 

Edit: reading carefully, you are aiming to be a med student. Your future will be financed entirely by debt(200k student loans lol) and you will basically have no life, be worked like a dog, and earn pitiful if any income while you are a med student and in residency, 4 years undergrad + 4 years med school + 3 years residency on the low end, so you wont actually enjoy a comfortable middle-class life until at least you are 29, assuming you started college at age 18 and probably a lot longer if you consider the average time to graduations and residency for all of the steps. It will be a lot of sacrifice. Expect more pains ahead. there are many smart ways to go about doing this. i wonder if the military has any financial aid packages for doctors in return for some years of service. Be open to reconsidering your life and career goals. Many people started out on the road to x but later switch lanes to y simply because of circumstances and what life threw at them. Nursing programs for example requires way less schooling for the earnings and opportunities you get out of it. 

 

21 hours ago, asperates said:

EDIT: I am from the Asia continent, specifically Middle East. I am Chaldean (Babylonian basically) and it's a rule to watch over your parents after you're grown. However, I think it's common in society that the children who grow up end up taking care of their parents. I'm in my early 20s and I feel useless -- especially with the situation we're going through but your comment on surviving with minimum wage motivated me. 

I mean every single preindustrialized culture does this. Europeans, Asians, Africans ect. It is the only form of social security they have. The poor developing country has little if any generous public welfare system or financial institutions that offer retirement financial products, insurance, and ect. 

 

Combine that with the lack of public schooling and subsistence agriculture, it pretty much-incentivized people in the developing world to have more children because they are a source of free laborers to work the peasant farms while in developed countries, children are instead useless and nothing more than expensive maintenance to raise because they can't just be sent to work in the mines and farms and instead require expensive/long years schooling to do anything productive. They need to be at least literate and taught some modern skills to work in the post-industrialized, highly productive, and high-tech economy.

 

This generally results in old cultural attitudes among the immigrants that are not up to date with the new socio-economic landscape of their new host country. For some anyway. I know many immigrants would rather sell a kidney to send their kids to school rather than send them to the factories or sweatshops. 

 

Anyways, I am going off topic. Have you ever considered waiting table in restaurants and bar tending? I've seen people making 4-6k USD a month working only 5 days doing this in NYC. California shouldn't be all that different. It easily pays for an entire year's living expenses if you keep your rent under $1000 by living with roommates, avoid car ownership, and have no other maintenance other than internet and food. Does your hearing problems prevent you from doing these? 

 

Btw, I am not giving you financial advice but here is some basic financial literacy. Have a 6 months emergency fund, avoid debt especially consumer debt like credit cards, budget budget budget ect. Also, consider the opportunity cost of your time. What could you be doing that would earn you some cash and pull you out of this situation rather than whatever xyz you are doing now? You said uber and so on but doing so means you are sacrificing other more productive opportunities you could be doing instead. 

 

 

[asperates]

On 4/11/2024 at 2:36 PM, wasab said:

What could you be doing that would earn you some cash and pull you out of this situation rather than whatever xyz you are doing now? You said uber and so on but doing so means you are sacrificing other more productive opportunities you could be doing instead. 

 

 

I am a licensed phlebotomist but I can't work full-time because I have college so that pretty much sums up why I'm on DoorDash and Uber as a delivery driver -- that way I can choose whenever to start working or go home (plus it's fun. I get to be out driving all day lol). 

 

I appreciate your advice but I don't think you should think about it too much, it's my burden. Don't stress about how to help me. I appreciate your comments nonetheless. I'll see what I can do. I guess you know what they say: It gets worse before it gets better.