Windows Update completely broken on new PC

[TGO]

A few weeks ago I launched Witcher 3 and noticed that the game was really laggy, constant FPS drops. I restarted the game, and on the 2nd try the entire PC just went dark and rebooted... Event viewer told me the graphics card/driver crashed. Before it put me at the login screen, it shortly mentioned something about updates. So before troubleshooting the GPU I checked Windows Update and saw an update for "Steelseries - Aps". I installed it and rebooted, and then it got stuck for over an hour on "Working on updates, do not turn your PC off" with no progress bar. I got back in and checked event viewer which was just spammed with "DCOM got error "1115" attempting to start the service UsoSvc with arguments "Unavailable" in order to run the server" throughout the "update" and then an error about Windows Module Installer force quitting. I've tried googling this but I haven't got any luck figuring out what causes it. And after this I've been unable to install any updates other than Defender definitions... They all get stuck on downloading at 4%, next reboot they're at 0% installed, then next boot they're "installed" and this cycle repeats with every restart. And in-between every single reboot it gets stuck at the updates screen for 60-70 minutes, but shutting down works fine?

 

I've tried:

• Running sfc /scannow which found corruptions at first but now nothing.
• DISM /Online /Cleanup-Image /RestoreHealth just goes blank without a progress bar, but checking the cbs.log it seems to be running? Either way it's stuck blinking in the cmd and stops with some of these errors: 

  Quote

  <timestamp>, Info CBS    FC:   FCAcquirerWUClient: WULib DownloadProgress: [49 / 100]

  <timestamp>, Warning CBS    Current tick count: 739 lower than last tick count: 760. [HRESULT = 0x8007000d - ERROR_INVALID_DATA]

   

  <timestamp>, Info CBS    FC:   FCAcquirerWUClient: WULib DownloadProgress: [49 / 100]

  <timestamp>, Info CBS    DWLD: Cancelling...

  <timestamp>, Info CBS    DWLD: Failed to request abort [HRESULT = 0x80070005 - E_ACCESSDENIED]

  Sometimes the progress gets further, but it always just stops like this. Seems to be the same when I try to download a new update.

• Running the WU troubleshooter, it just keeps saying there's a pending restart when there's not. And after clearing the WU download folder it just gets just stuck after telling me that now.

• Booted into safe mode with networking, and their DISM and the Windows Update troubleshooter finally seem to work, but I have no internet because the network card driver is disabled?

• I've tried running these commands from the Microsoft documentation(not the ones below that though), and it seemed to reset WU, but they still just get stuck doing nothing with further errors

The only things that come to mind is to run DISM offline, but documentation for that is very scarce. And I don't know if running the Windows 11 upgrade tool will work either since WU is so broken...

 

I'm really at a loss here. It's a completely fresh Windows 11 install that I've only used for 3 weeks and apart from the aforementioned I don't know what to do apart from re-installing completely, which I'd really like to avoid since I just finished setting everything up. Does anyone have any idea on how to fix this?

[TGO]

Anyone?