Hardline tubing does suck. I managed to contact the Asus Canada support line and he just went with me through the same exact steps that I just did. His prognosis was that the board is bricked. My peripherals aren't getting any power so he determined that it was a 1 in 1000 event of the new CPU somehow corrupting my bios. RMA inbound apparently.
Did not work with the 5800x but I have never had any instances where the new CPU would brick the board. Oh how I wish EZ Flash was a thing... Or even better, just a removable bios chip!
Looks like I get a good deep clean on the entire rig while I wait.... HAHA!
possibly,but maybe not, we'll see when he says his psu wattage
(not enough power doesnt always guarantee a crash, in some cases it can cause abnormal behavior)