Okay, so I finally got ESXi and Windows 10 Enterprise to play nice on the issue of CPU/core count finally. Just some poorly-worded configuration menus - uh. Now to deal with the friggin' PCI passthrough - nvm.

Still gotta figure out how to install vCenter Server on Windows Server 2016...

<insert src="Super_Saiyan_Screaming.mp4"> Oops - Server Fault  </insert>