Pickles - One of the Jar

You know, mental health is a real pain in the ass. For myself, I have ADHD, GAD (general anxiety disorder) which is likely a misdiagnosis, potential OCD (getting diagnosed), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and a sleep disorder. What I have found recently is just how important sleep is to keep myself sane. On a normal day I can usually keep a calm head with occasional "scratching" of fear or unease. Those I can deal with.

On my worse days I get incredibly disturbing intrusive thoughts that cause obsessive thinking, rumination, and the occasional mental ritual, plus thought cascades catastrophizing it all. Some of these intrusive thoughts question who I am, my ideals, morals, and attempt to undermine everything that makes "me".  I have come close to believing these falsehoods a few times. When they fail to do their deed, they switch up. Other times they are intrusive suicidal ideations. Sometimes this will all continue for a day or two to weeks at a time. What makes it worse is I can fall asleep then wake up a couple hours later with a panic attack. There are even times I wake up in the morning to a panic attack. Then, the thoughts flood in, the cycle starts again. Hard and fast. Sometimes, this can lead into sleepless nights. With less sleep comes even more severity to it all. I have gone 2-3 days at a time without sleep at my worst. It is all just a giant bowl of misery and feedback. The cycle is very hard to break once it starts. 

The key to getting the cycle to stop is getting sleep. First and foremost. From there, coping skills and talking with people helps. It takes time. 

Recently I have found alcohol can be a trigger for many of these issues and can actually intensify how I start off. Luckily I was able to get back to "normal" within about a week to 10 days. Well, "normal" for me is a day with calmness and overall quiet in my head. No so much "scratching" of thoughts trying to get in. Maybe the occasional fleeting existence of an intrusive thought which I bat away. Other times it is a bout of unease. Hell, I have even had a panic attack set in out of nowhere. No trigger either. 

Anyways. Big post. For those of you worried I may harm myself, I am strong enough not to let it. I immediately let those around me about the thoughts there were there and talked about it. Long long time ago I attempted; however, I made a vow to myself to never get so downtrodden in despair again. To never allow them to consume me. Life is too much fun regardless of the nonsense in my head or the misery it may cause. 

All it takes is time, help, comfort and sometimes medication to help. All of which I have and in the process of getting. 

Just remember, sometimes the shit you think is just noise. No matter how "loud" that noise is, it is just noise. Though some of us have a hard time deflecting or ignoring it. 




 

You ever just sit there, start not feeling well suddenly, then start to google? Then, proceed to scare yourself? Then realize it is likely something you did and isn't serious at all but you leave doubt in your mind?

Yep, I did that. GG Pickles. 

I am sitting here at work trying to get my day started when my co-worker comes to me. He has been trying to get PS1 emulator working. One issue: Bios. So I gave him some. Now, he comes to me and says, "You know when I was trying to get all this to work, yeah I now have a cryptominer on my machine." *facepalms*