Shame

[Timbs]

I have brought much distaste to myself last night. I cannot stop thinking about her. I feel disgusted. I have heavily wronged someone I never met in my life. How should I go about finding her and apologizing? Should I just forget about it? How am I supposed to get over the fact that I let all my self-respect go and ruin my life? In case you're wondering, no I didn't kill anybody. Nothing illegal. It was a 9th grade dance, and friends were telling me that if I wanted to get grinded on (even the down syndrome kids were getting some) all I needed to do was to force myself upon the women. Of which I did, and I feel horrible. I didn't rape anybody, I just stood there. Looking like a fucking idiot. Sounds stupid, but that's what I am. I need help. Much help. Please.

[dalekphalm]

6 minutes ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

I have brought much distaste to myself last night. I cannot stop thinking about her. I feel disgusted. I have heavily wronged someone I never met in my life. How should I go about finding her and apologizing? Should I just forget about it? How am I supposed to get over the fact that I let all my self-respect go and ruin my life? In case you're wondering, no I didn't kill anybody. Nothing illegal. It was a 9th grade dance, and friends were telling me that if I wanted to get grinded on (even the down syndrome kids were getting some) all I needed to do was to force myself upon the women. Of which I did, and I feel horrible. I didn't rape anybody, I just stood there. Looking like a fucking idiot. Sounds stupid, but that's what I am. I need help. Much help. Please.

First off, no, you did not "ruin your life". Though hopefully you didn't go too far to the point that she would consider it sexual harassment. If she felt sexually harassed or even assaulted, there could be legal consequences for your actions.

 

If you know who the girl is, and she goes to your school, I would approach her politely, and just be honest. Tell her you apologize for what you did. You didn't think through your actions, and you will learn from your mistake, etc.

 

Second: Your friends are goddamn morons, and, really, aren't good friends. Forcing yourself upon another, male or female, is 100% unacceptable in a free society. It's morally wrong to do so. And just because the "down syndrome" kids were "getting some" doesn't mean jack shit. You basically let your friends peer pressure you into almost assaulting someone. Not good.

 

You need to think long and hard about:

1. Whether you can remain friends with people who would tell you to do such a thing, and

2. Why you allowed yourself to do such actions.

 

While they may have some small responsibility for planting the idea, you, and you alone, were the one who decided it was a good idea.

 

With that in mind, we all make mistakes sometimes. If you get the chance, apologize to her. If you know mutual friends, try to get it passed along that you're sorry and wish to apologize in person.

 

But if that's not possible or she doesn't wish to speak to you, then wear your shame and bare it, for you earned it. It'll fade with time.

[Timbs]

1 minute ago, dalekphalm said:

First off, no, you did not "ruin your life". Though hopefully you didn't go too far to the point that she would consider it sexual harassment. If she felt sexually harassed or even assaulted, there could be legal consequences for your actions.

 

If you know who the girl is, and she goes to your school, I would approach her politely, and just be honest. Tell her you apologize for what you did. You didn't think through your actions, and you will learn from your mistake, etc.

 

Second: Your friends are goddamn morons, and, really, aren't good friends. Forcing yourself upon another, male or female, is 100% unacceptable in a free society. It's morally wrong to do so. And just because the "down syndrome" kids were "getting some" doesn't mean jack shit. You basically let your friends peer pressure you into almost assaulting someone. Not good.

 

You need to think long and hard about:

1. Whether you can remain friends with people who would tell you to do such a thing, and

2. Why you allowed yourself to do such actions.

 

While they may have some small responsibility for planting the idea, you, and you alone, were the one who decided it was a good idea.

 

With that in mind, we all make mistakes sometimes. If you get the chance, apologize to her. If you know mutual friends, try to get it passed along that you're sorry and wish to apologize in person.

 

But if that's not possible or she doesn't wish to speak to you, then wear your shame and bare it, for you earned it. It'll fade with time.

I have no idea who it was. The party was pretty wild. I did toke up quite a bit before the dance itself, but it still doesn't give me an excuse. I truly did not want it. She more than likely didn't either. I sorta stood there and was constantly telling them that "This is a stupid idea" and "It looks like she don't want this". They are good people, but they too were completely wasted. 

[Volbet]

I had so hoped this would be about the Norwegian TV show or the Steve McQueen movie.

But alas...

 

7 minutes ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

I have no idea who it was. The party was pretty wild. I did toke up quite a bit before the dance itself, but it still doesn't give me an excuse. I truly did not want it. She more than likely didn't either. I sorta stood there and was constantly telling them that "This is a stupid idea" and "It looks like she don't want this". They are good people, but they too were completely wasted. 

Unless she was a lone party crasher there has to be atleast one person present at the party that know who she is. 

 

And it's no excuse that you or your friends were drunk. 

From almost 16 years of experience I can say that you never do shit while drunk that you wouldn't do while sober. All it take is a bit less convincing. 

Alcohol might screw with your physical compass but not with your moral compass. 

 

The first step in this is to admit, without making any excuses, that you did something wrong and that your friends aren't good people (atleast not in this situation).  

[Timbs]

Just now, Volbet said:

I had so hoped this would be about the Norwegian TV show or the Steve McQueen movie.

But alas...

 

Unless she was a lone party crasher there has to be atleast one person present at the party that know who she is. 

 

And it's no excuse that you or your friends were drunk. 

From almost 16 years of experience I can say that you never do shot while drunk that you wouldn't do while sober. All it take is a bit less convincing. 

Alcohol might screw with your physical compass but not with your moral compass. 

 

The first step in this is to admit, without making any excuses, that you did something wrong and that your friends aren't good people (atleast not in this situation).  

No alcohol was present. It was edibles and weed. Very, very good weed. I get very carried away under the influence as well. That thing was the only thing that I remembered at all that night. I don't even remember how I got to the dance.

[dalekphalm]

1 minute ago, Volbet said:

I had so hoped this would be about the Norwegian TV show or the Steve McQueen movie.

But alas...

 

Unless she was a lone party crasher there has to be atleast one person present at the party that know who she is. 

 

And it's no excuse that you or your friends were drunk. 

From almost 16 years of experience I can say that you never do shot while drunk that you wouldn't do while sober. All it take is a bit less convincing. 

Alcohol might screw with your physical compass but not with your moral compass. 

 

The first step in this is to admit, without making any excuses, that you did something wrong and that your friends aren't good people (atleast not in this situation).  

Agreed - Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but it doesn't create desires that didn't already exist before. Same with weed.

 

@a e s t h e t i c a s drinking or toking isn't an excuse. You did it because on some level you wanted to.

 

With that in mind, what did she do when you tried to "grind" with her? Did she resist? Did she join in? Did she just stand there while you humped her leg?

[Volbet]

5 minutes ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

No alcohol was present. It was edibles and weed. Very, very good weed. I get very carried away under the influence as well. That thing was the only thing that I remembered at all that night. I don't even remember how I got to the dance.

Doesn't matter. Neither weed nor edibles create desires for behavior that wasn't present to begin with. 

It's not an excuse. 

I don't think you'll truely be able to say "sorry" untill you stop making excuses like this.

 

I've always held myself to a very high moral standard, and I've never once broken that moral standard no matter how much I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. 

[Timbs]

7 minutes ago, dalekphalm said:

Agreed - Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but it doesn't create desires that didn't already exist before. Same with weed.

 

@a e s t h e t i c a s drinking or toking isn't an excuse. You did it because on some level you wanted to.

 

With that in mind, what did she do when you tried to "grind" with her? Did she resist? Did she join in? Did she just stand there while you humped her leg?

She was shakin her ass in the air, I went in for the kill, and she turned around and moved because she thought I was trying to get past her. 

[Timbs]

1 minute ago, Volbet said:

Doesn't matter. Neither weed nor edibles create desires for behavior that wasn't present to begin with. 

It's not an excuse. 

I don't think you'll truely be able to say "sorry" untill you stop making excuses like this.

 

I've always held myself to a very high moral standard, and I've never once broken that moral standard no matter how much I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. 

I have. I usually don't crack that easily, but under the influence I tend to. I once nearly walked to Seattle because somebody told me there was a car show. That was under a few dabs. I live 30 miles away from there.

[dalekphalm]

30 minutes ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

I have. I usually don't crack that easily, but under the influence I tend to. I once nearly walked to Seattle because somebody told me there was a car show. That was under a few dabs. I live 30 miles away from there.

First, let me be clear:

I fully 100% support legal and responsible recreational use of marijuana.

 

With that in mind, maybe you need to stop smoking it, if your willpower is that low that your desires outweigh rational thought.

 

You need to accept that what you did, you did because you wanted to. Your friends might have given you the idea, but deep down you said "yes, I wanna rub my junk against her ass".

 

Accept that, and then you can move on to properly dealing with the shame you feel. You can attempt to apologize if possible. Otherwise, strive to do better, to be a better person.

[Volbet]

1 hour ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

She was shakin her ass in the air, I went in for the kill, and she turned around and moved because she thought I was trying to get past her. 

See, back in my day we usually asked before doing stuff like that to eachother. 

Just because she's dancing sensually by herself doesn't mean she wants you to dry hump her. 

 

1 hour ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

I have. I usually don't crack that easily, but under the influence I tend to. I once nearly walked to Seattle because somebody told me there was a car show. That was under a few dabs. I live 30 miles away from there.

If your willpower is that low you should probably reevaluate your policy on drug consumption. 

 

And again, it's still not an excuse. 

You wanted to rub your dick against her ass, just like you wanted to go to that car show. 

It's not your desire that was changed. It was the threshold where you want to live out that desire. 

And you're still making excuses. There is no excuse. You acted in a way that's seen as socially unacceptable and your friends are cunts for cheering you on. 

Accept this and you'll be able to deal with the shame you're feeling. 

[Atmos]

1 hour ago, dalekphalm said:

First, let me be clear:

I fully 100% support legal and responsible recreational use of marijuana.

 

With that in mind, maybe you need to stop smoking it, if your willpower is that low that your desires outweigh rational thought.

 

You need to accept that what you did, you did because you wanted to. Your friends might have given you the idea, but deep down you said "yes, I wanna rub my junk against her ass".

 

Accept that, and then you can move on to properly dealing with the shame you feel. You can attempt to apologize if possible. Otherwise, strive to do better, to be a better person.

100% spot on.

 

@a e s t h e t i c a s You probably won't like what I have to say about the matter, but I completely agree with dalekphalm on this one. From what you've said you don't seem like the kind of person who can cope with being under the influence. Now I get that getting high and going to hang is a great way to kick back, but if it leaves you about to walk 30mi or doing something that you regret terribly, then you just need to stop. That's dangerous water to tread, routinely making yourself so easily influenced... its what leads to DUI and other life-altering mistakes.

 

Now I get it man I'm in my early twenties, I've got money to burn and live in SoCal just a ways outside of LA and malibu. Party life is down right wicked and wild fun to just let yourself go from time to time, but despite that I've been blackout drunk more times than I could dare to remember now, I've always kept my head about me. If you can't be responsible enough to stop yourself when you're doing something that you know you'll regret later, then you shouldn't be putting yourself in that situation in the first place.

 

No amount of saying "I shouldn't be doing this" or "This is a bad idea" is going to make that car wreck, or that street fight, or that night in jail hurt any less.

 

[Anjelllo]

2 hours ago, a e s t h e t i c a s said:

She was shakin her ass in the air, I went in for the kill, and she turned around and moved because she thought I was trying to get past her. 

Wait, you were just trying to grind on her, and she just moved away without realizing it? No harm done it's just something you're going to think back to someday and feel embarrassed about. Also, try to stop taking weed, my friend was sorta hooked on it for a while and it did it bad things to his life.

[dalekphalm]

Just now, Anjelllo said:

Wait, you were just trying to grind on her, and she just moved away without realizing it? No harm done it's just something you're going to think back to someday and feel embarrassed about. Also, try to stop taking weed, my friend was sorta hooked on it for a while and it did it bad things to his life.

Just because she didn't realize what he was doing, doesn't make it okay. We need to be clear, so that we're not normalizing his actions.

 

What he did was wrong. He just got lucky that she didn't clue in.