M (21) my curfew is ruining our relationship F(22)

[Chris Yahya]

My girlfriend works at a restaurant from morning until night and thus the only time she can go out is past 10pm, my mom sets a curfew at 11pm after which she will start nagging me asking where i am and why i am not home yet. My girlfriend, due to being used to her work schedule, is a night owl and likes to stay out late past 12pm and go home at 2am or sometimes more. she is getting frustrated due to me not being able to stay out with her and our relationship is falling apart, breakup is just right around the corner. Tried talking and reasoning to my mom but it resulted in a huge fight and she forced me to choose between her or my gf, i ran away for a couple of days before returning home. Moving out is not an option due to financial and ethical reasons (live in an asian country where moving out before marriage at such a young age is uncommon and seen as "disowning your parents", even if you are financially capable). Don't get me wrong i love my mom and respect her and all as a responsible adult parent and i am pretty sure she is just trying to keep me out of harm's way. But i am an adult and i am not stupid enough to get myself into trouble when staying out late and i expect her to treat me as such. I am no longer a teenager. I don't smoke do drugs, drink, or anything like that. I don't want my mom ruining and meddling with my relationship.

 

What would you guys do if you were me ?

 

I know ltt isn't exactly the right place to ask this kind of question....but i just wanna get your opinion on this

 

cliffs :

-gf works from day until night, can only go out at night

-i have a curfew at 11, can't go out with her

-she's getting tired of my curfew, wants a breakup for it

-can't move out due to financial and ethical reason

 

[Fasauceome]

I don't know if there are many users who can work within the cultural framework to help you out here. Lots of the people who will read this will likely be seeing your mother as unreasonable, and the independent Western attitude will lead to lots of advice of "screw her, you're your own man." Curfew at 21 is not at all common, adults that age are usually given free reign as we aren't as interdependent. This really does seem like a problem without a solution, if your mother truly feels like it is totally unacceptable for you to stay up late and will force you to completely give her up just to see your girlfriend, maybe that's too severe but someone set in their ways is just hard to deal with.

[Lathlaer]

Is inviting the GF to your home an option?

[Guest]

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cliffs :

-gf works from day until night, can only go out at night

well you know work is work, maybe visit her at lunch

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-i have a curfew at 11, can't go out with her

This curfew is pretty ridiculous for someone who's 21. IDK maybe see if you can get a job to work longer hours, and then maybe if all the time after work you have is the same as your GFs, your mum might understand more. Morning till 10pm is pretty bad hours though. 

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-she's getting tired of my curfew, wants a breakup for it

Seems pretty bad to breakup over something you can't avoid. Sounds like an excuse. 

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-can't move out due to financial and ethical reason

Depends who's reasons they are. You're 21, you can make up your own mind on what to do with your life. Don't even let me or anyone else tell you what to do, we don't know who you are or what you're going through. If its important to you, you will stay. Always more fish in the sea, but family is family. 

[Guest]

Wake up early. 

 

But that house situation isn’t any of my comment since we’re all already thinking it. 

[Teddy07]

dump her if she works full time in a restaurant. 

[Mister Woof]

The curfew isn't the issue.

 

Your mom doesn't approve of the girl.

 

If she did, she'd let it slide.

 

I'm Chinese American, and while I have mostly an American lifestyle, I fully understand the importance of satisfying your parents.

 

I married a white woman and it took YEARS for my mom to accept it, with numerous fallouts and shouting sessions. Ultimately, i just moved out and got an apartment with my girlfriend (now wife of 9 years) and eventually when the grandkids came my mom was happy.

 

If I was in China though, it's their way or no way.

 

My advice? Find a girl your mom likes and that will please your mother and you'll be happier.

[Drak3]

1 minute ago, Plutosaurus said:

My advice? Find a girl your mom likes and that will please your mother and you'll be happier.

That's bad advice. When it comes to romantic partners, your and your partner's happiness and wellness are the only things that matter.

[Mister Woof]

1 minute ago, Drak3 said:

That's bad advice. When it comes to romantic partners, your and your partner's happiness and wellness are the only things that matter.

That is a western idea.

 

We are talking an asian country. It is VERY different. Happiness of the matriarch is priority in most of those cultures.

[Drak3]

Just now, Plutosaurus said:

That is a western idea.

 

We are talking an asian country. It is VERY different.

And in some of the more modern Asain countries, that "Western" idea is becoming more common. Mostly because, as it turns out, appeasing your family at the cost of yourself can easily be detrimental to your mental health.

[Mister Woof]

4 minutes ago, Drak3 said:

And in some of the more modern Asain countries, that "Western" idea is becoming more common. Mostly because, as it turns out, appeasing your family at the cost of yourself can easily be detrimental to your mental health.

Except in the OP's case, where they CLEARLY stated it's an issue.

 

Obviously, based on how I lived my life, I don't agree with it.

 

But the OP may not be able to have the same options.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Plutosaurus said:

Except in the OP's case, where they CLEARLY stated it's an issue.

 

Obviously, based on how I lived my life, I don't agree with it.

 

But the OP may not be able to have the same options.

Mental health does not have racial boundaries. That is why it is up to OP to work out what's best for himself. He's his own man. 

[Mister Woof]

2 minutes ago, floofer said:

Mental health does not have racial boundaries. That is why it is up to OP to work out what's best for himself. He's his own man. 

You cannot judge or advise someone who lives in a completely different culture and society based on how your society functions.

 

This is a very real issue in most asian countries, and I wish it were different, but it's not. It clearly isn't for the OP.

 

Telling him to "be his own man" will only serve to bring him suffering and distress.

 

OP, maybe try to find ways for your girlfriend to warm up to your mother. I believe this is the heart of the issue, not the curfew. If your mom doesn't approve of your girlfriend, it's likely that you won't be having a very good time.

[Drak3]

Just now, Plutosaurus said:

Telling him to "be his own man" will only serve to bring him suffering and distress.

No, telling him to appease his family over his own feelings will.

[Mister Woof]

Just now, Drak3 said:

No, telling him to appease his family over his own feelings will.

Obviously you have no idea what their culture is like. 

 

The OP clearly stated, "(live in an asian country where moving out before marriage at such a young age is uncommon and seen as "disowning your parents", even if you are financially capable)"

 

 

 

 

[Drak3]

1 minute ago, Plutosaurus said:

Obviously you have no idea what their culture is like.

Oppressive, going by your explanation of it.

[Mister Woof]

Just now, Drak3 said:

Oppressive, going by your explanation of it.

And how does giving the dude pipe dreams help the situation?

 

Stop being so arrogant.

[Drak3]

Just now, Plutosaurus said:

And how does giving the dude pipe dreams help the situation?

Telling him to pursue his own happiness is not giving him pipe dreams. If appeasing his mother makes him miserable, it's not a good decision.

[Mister Woof]

9 minutes ago, Drak3 said:

Telling him to pursue his own happiness is not giving him pipe dreams. If appeasing his mother makes him miserable, it's not a good decision.

Guess I'm not getting through to you. The cultural implications are much, much more intricate and far reaching than you think.

 

You may be happy in your self-righteous stance, but you need to consider the OP in real-life terms.

 

OP - it is quite possible to find someone who satisfies both your mother and you. You're young, and you should probably just focus on your own personal achievements first. 

 

If you want to affect change in the dynamics of your society, when you have kids, don't put that same pressure on them that yours did. That's what I'm doing.

[Guest]

32 minutes ago, Plutosaurus said:

You cannot judge or advise someone who lives in a completely different culture and society based on how your society functions.

 

This is a very real issue in most asian countries, and I wish it were different, but it's not. It clearly isn't for the OP.

 

Telling him to "be his own man" will only serve to bring him suffering and distress.

 

OP, maybe try to find ways for your girlfriend to warm up to your mother. I believe this is the heart of the issue, not the curfew. If your mom doesn't approve of your girlfriend, it's likely that you won't be having a very good time.

I'm judging from a clinical standpoint, not a cultural issue. It is completely natural to feel for both your mother and your girlfriend, however it is natural progression that the latter persists. If you are over-attached to your mother it is akin to the Oedipus complex, which resolves naturally when you grow up. Telling him to be is own man is also for him to decide. He is 21 years old, he doesn't need you or me, or especially his mother to make choices for him. 

 

Whether his parents like it or not, this is 2019. He is human, just like everyone else. They need to grow up and let him be young while he can, and let go, he isn't a child anymore. 

[Mister Woof]

19 minutes ago, floofer said:

I'm judging from a clinical standpoint, not a cultural issue. It is completely natural to feel for both your mother and your girlfriend, however it is natural progression that the latter persists. If you are over-attached to your mother it is akin to the Oedipus complex, which resolves naturally when you grow up. Telling him to be is own man is also for him to decide. He is 21 years old, he doesn't need you or me, or especially his mother to make choices for him. 

 

Whether his parents like it or not, this is 2019. He is human, just like everyone else. They need to grow up and let him be young while he can, and let go, he isn't a child anymore. 

I'm not disagreeing with you, but you can't ignore culture when it comes to societal norms. 

 

An example: It's perfectly okay in most western cultures (well, mostly) to be in an open same-sex relationship, and we find opposition to it to be abhorrent; that said it is dangerous to tell someone who lives in certain countries to "be yourself" as in some of them it's illegal with the penalty of death. Now, the repercussions in this case may not be so severe, but there are still consequences.

 

As far as "attachment to your mother" in terms of many asian cultures, that's not the right word. It's more along the lines of "duty" and "obligation". In many asian cultures, familial duty and obligations trump personal happiness. It's how those societies survived for thousands of years. It doesn't change overnight.

 

Context is key. 

 

If this OP said he lived in USA, and he could afford it, I would for sure tell him to follow his heart and just move out and be his own man. Because our society not only approves of that, but encourages that independence. It's not the same and you can't apply the same societal norms to everyone.