UPDATE: Besides telling me to do basic troubleshooting steps, ASUS has not done anything useful for me. Board is out of warranty, they don't do repairs, end of story for me.
I might try swapping back to my Sabertooth 990FX R2.0 and run the CVF with an FX-4100 to see if it's a bios compatibility problem -which seems weird since the Crosshair IV Formula seems to be able to run FX-piledriver-.