Okay - so in addition to this list over here, I now also have this to deal with as well:

https://answers.microsoft.com/en-us/windows/forum/windows_7-hardware/only-2-cores-showing-up-in-task-manager-on-a-4/b7af1e32-8007-4479-a275-c2893df35d2a?auth=1

Since ESXi is too dumb to figure out that number of cores =/= number of CPU sockets. Or to know how to expose the vCPUs to the VM in the first place  Well done VMware - your Enterprise product does this...

#Seriously