Hereby

my laptop gets 8 hours at full brightness

LOL those laptops have shitty battery life.

Meh... My personal idea is to go onto ebay and buy a used Dell Optiplex with at least an i7 like this one: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Dell-Optiplex-990-MT-Mini-Tower-Core-i7-2600-3-4GHz-4GB-80GB-Win-7-Pro-1-Yr-Wty/191605114746?_trkparms=aid%3D555014%26algo%3DPL.DEFAULT%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D41451%26meid%3D84876522c7c14af5a034bd587856eebc%26pid%3D100505%26rk%3D1%26rkt%3D1%26&_trksid=p2045573.c100505.m3226
Then buy a new psu, bigger hard drive, more ram, and a gtx 1080

Meh... My personal idea is to go onto ebay and buy a used Dell Optiplex with at least an i7 like this one: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Dell-Optiplex-990-MT-Mini-Tower-Core-i7-2600-3-4GHz-4GB-80GB-Win-7-Pro-1-Yr-Wty/191605114746?_trkparms=aid%3D555014%26algo%3DPL.DEFAULT%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D41451%26meid%3D84876522c7c14af5a034bd587856eebc%26pid%3D100505%26rk%3D1%26rkt%3D1%26&_trksid=p2045573.c100505.m3226
Then buy a new psu, bigger hard drive, more ram, and a gtx 1080

If you guys do not like this thread, fine. But don't argue in it - there's nothing wrong with this thread at all, and if you have nothing to add to the topic except arguing about bronies(which is not really what the thread is about), then don't post and go somewhere else on the forum. If you feel the need to quit the forum over this, do what you will, even though there are plenty of other places on the forum to go, including other Off Topic threads. 
 
And please do not insult people just because they're bronies. 

50 dollars each about

Get A Used Optiplex With An i7 For About 200, Then Maybe A 1050-1050 TI.  Maybe Also Get A Better PSU.

Unless it comes with 2 2GB sticks already installed (unlikely), he can just buy an 8gb stick. 8 + 4 = 12

Correction, it already has ddr4, so grab some ddr4.

Used cpus arent a bad option.  I got an i7 4790 for $220

Used cpus arent a bad option.  I got an i7 4790 for $220

It's ok.  My 970 is getting kinda old (bad for 4k gaming, fairly adequate for 1440p), i also upgraded my cpu to a i7 4790 from an i5 4590.  

It's in the specs on its product page:

As long as the second screen app isn't doing something that needs the GPU too, any performance drop is likely too small to be noticeable.

this baby:
http://www.bestbuy.com/site/tcl-55-class-54-6-diag--led-2160p-smart-4k-ultra-hd-tv-with-high-dynamic-range-roku-tv-black/5878705.p?skuId=5878705&extStoreId=&ref=212&loc=1&ksid=0de85142-0c62-4af2-8308-cfc9476bfb5d&ksprof_id=16&ksaffcode=pg255269&ksdevice=c&lsft=ref:212,loc:2&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwqXMBRCDARIsAD-AQ2gGZI8sbN97kQkfljRmeD6-jXWF665RqCLMVSgJowVaoJjLcOVf7l8aAvYFEALw_wcB

Please read the OP. We've basically decided on an S6 Active.

85-95% is fine and it still depends on what the game is doing and how it's using the CPU.
 
As long as you're hitting your performance targets, everything else shouldn't matter.

Oh hey it DID come with some!  You saved me a trip to the store, thanks lol.

Definitely not this
Probably:
Noctua NT-H1
Artic MX-4
Artic Silver 5
Antec Nano Diamond

The h7 should come with some, beyond that I got some cooler master stuff today and it's decent.  Beyond that, Arctic silver is my go-to solution. 

IC Diamond Arctic Silver are good brands.
A good method for applying thermal paste is to put a little "p" or dot on the center of the cpu after it's in the socket.
Arctic Silver's "High Density Polysynthetic Silver" is a good option
 

Best in terms of pure performance would be one of the liquid metal TIMs from Coollaboratory, but they can be dangerous and have some quirks. 
 
In terms of price, performance and reliability (not that TIM can really be unreliable), I'd just stick to Arctic MX-4. To be honest though, pretty much any TIM is fine, there's typically very little difference between them. 

500w is enough, but I'd invest in a quality PSU first before throwing in a graphics card that's going to retail over 500usd. Would also get a Cryorig H7 since it's inexpensive and will curb stomp the crushed soda can Intel has the nerve to call a cooler.

I'm fucking blind

no problem. always glad to help.