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Singin' in the Rain
Singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' We're happy again We'll walk down the lane With a happy refrain And singin' Just singin' in the rain This is Dora Bailey, ladies and gentlemen... ...talking to you from the front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. What a night, ladies and gentlemen. What a night! Every star in Hollywood is here to make Monumental Pictures' premiere... ...of The Royal Rascal, the outstanding event of 1927. Everyone breathlessly awaits... ...the arrival of Lina Lamont and Don Lockwood. Look who's arriving now. It's that famous "zip" girl of the screen... ...the darling of the flapper set... ...Zelda Zanders! Zelda! Zelda! Her new red-hot pash, J. Cumberland Spendrill III... ...that well-known eligible bachelor. Zelda's had so much unhappiness, I hope this time it's really love. And here comes that exotic star, Olga Mara! Ooh. And her new husband, the Baron de la Bonnet de la Toulon. They've been married two months already, but still as happy as newlyweds. Well, well, well. It's Cosmo Brown! Cosmo is Don's best friend. He plays the piano on the set for Don and Lina... ...to get them into those romantic moods! Oh, folks, this is it. This is it! The stars of tonight's picture, those romantic lovers of the screen... ...Don Lockwood and Lina Lamont! Ladies and gentlemen, when you look at this gorgeous couple... ...it's no wonder they're a household name all over the world. Like "bacon and eggs." "Lockwood and Lamont." Don, tell me confidentially, are these rumors true... ...that wedding bells are soon to ring for you and Lina? Lina and I have no statement to make at the present time. We're just good friends. You've come a long way together. Won't you tell us how it happened? Lina and I have made a number of pictures together... Oh, no, no, Don. I want your story from the beginning. Dora, not in front of all these people! The story of your success is an inspiration... ...to young people all over the world. Please! Well, to begin with, any story of my career... ...would have to include my lifelong friend, Cosmo Brown. We were kids together, grew up together, worked together. Yes? Well, Dora, I've had one motto which I've always lived by: "Dignity. Always dignity." This was instilled in me by Mum and Dad from the very beginning. They sent me to the finest schools, including dancing school. That's where I first met Cosmo. And with him, I used to perform for Mum and Dad's society friends. They used to make such a fuss over me. If I was very good, I was allowed to accompany Mum and Dad to the theater. They brought me up on Shaw... ...Molire, the finest of the classics. To this was added rigorous musical training... ...at the Conservatory of Fine Arts. We rounded out our apprenticeship at an exclusive dramatics academy. And at all times... ...the motto remained... ..."Dignity. Always dignity." In a few years, we were ready to embark on a dance concert tour. We played the finest symphonic halls in the country. Fit as a fiddle And ready for love I can jump over The moon up above Fit as a fiddle And ready for love Haven't a worry Haven't a care Feelin' like a feather That's floatin' on air Fit as a fiddle And ready for love Soon the church bells will be ringin' And a march with Ma and Pa How the church bells will be ringin' With a hey-nonny-nonny And a hot-cha-cha Hi diddle diddle My baby's okay Ask me a riddle I'm happy to say Fit as a fiddle And ready for love Audiences everywhere adored us. Get out of here! Finally we decided to come to sunny California. We were stranded... We were staying here, resting up... ...when offers from the movie studios started pouring in. We sorted them out and decided to favor Monumental Pictures. Lina, you hate him. Resist him. Keep that mood music going. Now, Phil, you come in. Keep on grinding. Now you see her. Now here's the bit, Bert, where you get it on the jaw. Cut! No, no! That wasn't right! You were supposed to go over the bar and crash into the glasses! Try it again! Okay, Bert? Bert! Oh, that's swell, just swell. Take him away, fellas! You'll be all right. We've lost more stuntmen on these pictures... It'll take hours to get a new one from Central Casting. Mr. Dexter, I can do that. - You? You're a musician. - That's a moot point. No kidding! What's your name? Don Lockwood, but the fellas call me "Donald." Wise guy, huh? Okay, I'll try you. Get this guy into Bert's suit! And remember, Lockwood, you might be trading that fiddle in for a harp. Camera! Phil, come in. Now you see him. That's it. Now, here's where you get it right on the jaw. Cut! That was wonderful! Got any more little chores you want done? Plenty! Okay. My roles in these films were urbane... ...sophisticated... ...suave. And of course, all through those pictures... ...Lina was, as always, an inspiration to me. Warm and helpful. A real lady. Hello, Miss Lamont. I'm Don Lockwood, the stuntman. It was a thrill working with you, Miss Lamont. Hey, Don. Meet the producer of the picture, R.F. Simpson. I just saw some rushes and asked Dexter who the stuntmen were. He said they were all you. I'm putting you and Lina together in a picture. Come to my office. We'll discuss a contract. Thanks, Mr. Simpson! Are you doing anything tonight, Miss Lamont? That's funny. I'm busy. Lina and I have had the same wonderful relationship ever since. But most important of all, I continue living up to my motto: "Dignity. Always dignity." Thank you, Don. And I'm sure you and Lina will continue making movie history tonight... ...in your greatest picture, The Royal Rascal. Get enough, boys? She's so refined... ...I think I'll kill myself. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We're thrilled at your response to The Royal Rascal. We had fun making it, and we hope you had fun seeing it tonight. We screen actors aren't much good at speaking in public. So we'll just act out our thanks. Hot diggity! t's a smash! Don, Lina, you were gorgeous! Lina, you looked pretty good for a girl. What's the big idea? Can't a girl get a word in edgewise? They're my public too! The publicity department... ...thought it'd be better if Don made all the speeches for the team. Why? You're beautiful. Audiences think you got a voice to match. We gotta keep our stars from looking ridiculous at any cost. - No one's got that much money. - What's wrong with the way I talk? Am I dumb or something? No, it's just that Don's had so much more experience... Next time, write me out a speech. I could memorize it. Sure. Why don't you recite the Gettysburg Address? What do you know about it, you piano player? Are you anybody? Donnie, how can you let him talk to me like that, your fiance? My fia... Lina, you've been reading those fan magazines again. Look, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil... ...that Dora Bailey dishes out. Now, try to get this straight: There is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. - Just air. - Oh, Donnie, you don't mean that. We'll be late for R.F.'s party. Better go in separate cars to break up the mobs. Come on, honey. Ta-ta, Donnie! See you there! "Donnie." Can't that girl take a gentle hint? Haven't you heard? She's irresistible. She told me so. I can't get her out of my hair. This romance for publicity... The price of fame. You've got the glory. The little heartaches go with it. Look at me. I got no glory. I got no fame. I got no mansions. I got no money. But I've got... - What have I got? - don't know. I gotta get out of here. Don't tell me. It's a flat tire. This car hasn't given me trouble in nearly six hours. Hey, there's Don Lockwood! Hey, give me an autograph! Give me your autograph! I want a souvenir! I want a souvenir too! Hey! You're playing rough here! You're tearing my...! Hey, Cos, do something! Call me a cab! You're a cab. Thanks a lot! - Lady, keep driving. - Get out! - Everything's all right! - 'll call a policeman! - Just a few blocks. - Don't hurt me! - 'm not a criminal. - don't care... You are a criminal! I've seen that face. You're a gangster! I've seen your picture in the paper or in the post office. Officer! - This man jumped in my car and... - Why, it's Don Lockwood! - Don Lockwood? - How are you? Out for a joy ride? Just a lift. My car broke down. I got surrounded by... - You're a lucky lady. Anything wrong? - Why, no. No, I should think not. Good night. Good night, officer. Well, thanks for saving my life. I'll get out now. I'm driving to Beverly Hills. Can I drop you someplace? I'd like to get out of this suit if you're going by Camden and Sunset. Yes, I am. I'd like to know whose hospitality I'm enjoying. Selden. Kathy Selden. Enchanted, Miss Selden. I'm sorry I frightened you. I was getting a little too much love from my fans. Oh, that's what you were running away from. They did that to you? That's terrible! Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it? It is terrible. Well, we movie stars get the glory... ...I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance... ...but we're really lonely. Terribly lonely. I really can't tell you how sorry I am about taking you for a criminal. But it was understandable, under the circumstances. I knew I'd seen you. Which of my pictures have you seen? I don't remember. I saw one once. - You saw one once? - think you were dueling. And there was a girl. Lina Lamont. I don't go to the movies much. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Thank you. No offense. Movies are entertaining for the masses... ...but the personalities on the screen don't impress me. They don't talk or act. They just make a lot of dumb show. Well, you know. Like that. You mean, like what I do. Well, yes. Here we are, Sunset and Camden. Wait, you mean I'm not an actor? - Pantomime isn't acting? - Of course not. Acting means great parts, wonderful lines, glorious words. Shakespeare. Ibsen. What's your lofty mission in life... ...that lets you sneer at my humble profession? I'm an actress. On the stage. Oh, on the stage. I'd like to see you. What're you in now? I could brush up on my English or bring an interpreter. That's if they'd let in a movie actor. I'm not in a play now. But I'm going to New York... You're going to New York, and someday we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear! You'll have to wear a beard! Laugh if you want, but the stage is a dignified profession. Why are you so conceited? You're nothing but a shadow on film. You're not flesh and blood. - Stop! - What can I do? 'm only a shadow. Keep away from me! Just because you're a big movie star... ...you expect every girl to faint at your feet. Don't touch me! Fear not, sweet lady. I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester. And you? You are too far above me. Farewell, Ethel Barrymore. I must tear myself from your side. Is this R.F. Simpson's house? I'm one of the Coconut Grove girls. - Yes, the floor show. Around the back. - Oh, I see. Thank you. - Nice little party, R.F. - Thanks, Roscoe. Do you really think you can get me in the movies? - should think so. - Really? The picture's great. There's Don. I loved the picture. Did you come by way of Australia? Hello, Cos. Excuse me. Cos, tell me the truth. Am I a good actor? As long as I work for Monumental, you're the greatest. No kidding. You're my pal. You can tell me. What's the matter? Of course, you're good. Keep telling me from time to time. I feel a little shaken. - The new Don Lockwood. Don! - Hi, R.F. - t's colossal. Where have you been? There you are. Where were you? I was lonely. Hello, Lina. Okay, fellas. Hold it. Together again, my two little stars, Don and Lina. No kidding, folks, aren't they great? All right, open that screen. - A movie? We just saw one. - Gotta show one at a party. It's a law. Everybody, I've got a few surprises for you. All right, sit down, sit down. This'll make you laugh. There's a madman coming into my office for months, and... - You got that gadget working? All set. Okay, let her go. Hello. This is a demonstration of a talking picture. Notice, it is a picture of me and I am talking. Note how my lips and the sound issuing from them... ...are synchronized together... ...in perfect unison. - Who's that? - Somebody's talking behind that screen. Come out from behind that screen, Mr. Simpson. Oh, no. I'm right here. My voice has been recorded on a record. A talking picture. Thank you. Goodbye. Well? - t's just a toy. - t's a scream! - t's vulgar. - You think they'll ever use it? I doubt it. Warners is making a picture with it, The Jazz Singer. - They'll lose their shirts. - t'll never amount to a thing. They said that about the horseless carriage. Let's get on with the show. Okay, boys. Come on, my little starlets. I have a surprise. A very special cake. I want you kiddies to have the first piece. Well! f it isn't Ethel Barrymore! I do hope you'll favor us with something special. Say, Hamlet's soliloquy... ...or a scene from Romeo and Juliet? Don't be shy. You make about the prettiest Juliet I've ever seen. Really. All I do is dream of you The whole night through With the dawn I still go on Dreaming of you You're every thought You're everything You're every song I ever sing Summer, winter, autumn and spring And were there more than Twenty-four hours a day They'd be spent in sweet content Dreaming away When skies are gray When skies are blue Morning, noon and nighttime too All I do the whole day through Is dream of you It's the cat's meow! All I do the whole day through Is dream of you - had to tell you how good you were. - Excuse me. Now that I know where you live, I'd like to see you home. - Listen, Mr. Lockwood... - Say, who is this dame anyway? Someone lofty and far above us all. She couldn't learn anything from the movies. She's a stage actress. Here's one thing I've learned from the movies! - 'll kill her! - Lina, she was aiming at me! - You never looked lovelier. - t was an accident. It happens to me five or six times a day. Where is she? Donnie? Excuse me. Where'd Miss Selden go? She grabbed her things and bolted. Anything I can do? Sorry. I don't have time to find out. Kathy! Hey, Kathy! Hey! Keep that action going. More steam in the kettle! More action, boys. A little more rhythm. More steam and more water. - Hi, Maxie. Hi, Don. - Good morning, fellas. - Hiya, Don. Did you read Variety today? "First talking picture, The Jazz Singer. All-time smash end of first week." - All-time flop end of the second. - We start today. - Good luck. - Thanks. I'm now Count Pierre de Bataille, known as the Duelling Cavalier. - What's it about? - t's a French Revolution story. You're a French aristocrat. She's a simple girl of the people and won't even give you a tumble. Well, it's a living. Good morning. Keep the background moving. Hit him. Come on. Knock him down! Get up there and hit him again. Hurry up! Why bother to shoot this? Release the old one under a new title. You've seen one, you've seen them all. - Why'd you say that? - What's the matter? That's what that Kathy Selden said to me that night. That's three weeks ago. You still thinking about that? - can't get her out of my mind. - How could you? She's the first dame who hasn't fallen for you since you were 4. She's on my conscience. It's not your fault she lost her job. - 've got to find her. - You've been trying to. Short of sending out bloodhounds and a posse. Come on, now. Snap out of it. You can't let this get you down. You're Donald Lockwood. Donald Lockwood's an actor, isn't he? What's the first thing an actor learns? "The show must go on, come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet!" Yeah. The world's so full Of a number of things I'm sure we should all Be as happy as... But are we? No Definitely, no Positively, no Decidedly, no Short people have long faces Long people have short faces Big people have little humor Little people have no humor at all In the words of that immortal bard Samuel J. Snodgrass As he was being led To the guillotine Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Don't you know everyone wants to laugh Ha, ha My dad said, "Be an actor, my son But be a comical one" They'll be standin' in lines For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines Now you could study Shakespeare And be quite elite And you could charm the critics And have nothing to eat Just slip on a banana peel The world's at your feet Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make?... Make'em laugh Don't you know everyone wants to laugh? My Grandpa said, "Go out and tell'em a joke but give it plenty of hoke" Make'em roar Make'em scream Take a fall, butt a wall Split a seam You start off by pretending You're a dancer with grace You wiggle till they're giggling All over the place And then you get A great big custard pie in the face Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Don't ya... All the... What?... My Dad... They'll be standing in lines For those old honky-tonk monkeyshines Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Don't you know everyone... Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Make'em laugh Ready, Don? - All set. - Here we go again. - We have another smash on our hands. - hope so. You're darn tooting we have. - Where's Lina? - Here she is, Mr. Dexter. Well! Here comes our lovely leading lady now. This wig weighs a ton. What dope'd wear a thing like this? Everybody wore them. Then everybody was a dope. - You look beautiful. - You look great. Let's get into the set. Thanks, Joe. I looked for you at Wally Ray's party. Where were you? I've been busy. And I know what you've been busy at. Looking for that girl. - As a matter of fact, yes. Why? I've been worried about her. You should've been worried about me. I'm the one who got the whipped cream in the kisser. Yes, but you didn't lose your job, and she did. Darn tooting she did. I arranged it. What? They weren't gonna fire her, so I told them they better. - Why... - Don, now remember. You're madly in love with her and you have to overcome her shyness. Cosmo, mood music. Roll'em! Okay, Don. Now enter. You see her. Run to her! Why, you rattlesnake, you. You got that poor kid fired. That's not all I'm gonna do if I ever get my hands on her. I never heard of anything so low. Fine. Fine. Looks great. What did you do it for? Because you liked her. I could tell. So that's it. Believe me, I don't like her half as much as I hate you. You reptile. Sticks and stones may break my bones. I'd like to break every bone in your body. You and who else, you big lummox? Now kiss her, Don. That's it. More. Great! Cut! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy-weensy bit. Meet the world's greatest actor. I'd rather kiss a tarantula! - You don't mean that! - don't?... Joe, bring me a tarantula. Now listen... Stop that chitchat, you lovebirds. Let's get another take. Hold it. - Hold it, Dexter! Hello, Mr. Simpson. We're really rolling. Well, you can stop rolling at once. All right, everybody! Save it! Save it? Tell them to go home. We're shutting down. Don't stand there. Tell them! Go home until further notice! What is this? What's the matter? The Jazz Singer, that's what's the matter. Oh, my darling little mammy Down in Alabamy This is no joke. It's a sensation. The public's screaming for more. - More what? - Talking pictures. - t's just a freak. - We should have such a freak. I said talking pictures were a menace, but no one would listen. We're going to make The Duelling Cavalier into a talking picture. That means I'm out of a job. I can start suffering and write that symphony. We'll put you in as head of the music department. Thanks. I can stop suffering and write that symphony. Wait a second. Talking pictures! You should wait... Every studio's jumping on the bandwagon. All the theaters are putting in sound equipment. We know nothing about it. What do you have to know? You do what you always did. You just add talking to it. Believe me, it'll be a sensation. "Lamont and Lockwood. They talk!" Well, of course we talk. Don't everybody? I got a feeling You're fooling I got a feeling You're havin' fun I get the go-by When you are done foolin' with me It's a holiday Today's The Wedding of the Painted Doll It's a jolly day The news is spreading Should I reveal exactly how I feel Should I confess I got a feeling you're fooling I got a feeling you're It's a holiday Today's The Wedding Should I reveal Exactly how I feel Should I reveal Beautiful girl You're a lovely picture Beautiful girl You're a gorgeous mixture Of all that lies Under the big blue sky My heart cries Who's that? She looks familiar. You're a dazzling eyeful I featured her before, in lots of nightclub shows. I've seen her there. She'd be good as Zelda's sister. - That's a good idea. - Excuse me. There may be blondes and brunettes That are hard to resist You surpass them like a queen You've got those lips That were meant to be kissed And you're over sweet 16 Beautiful girl What a gorgeous creature Beautiful girl Let me call a preacher What can I do But give my heart to you? A beautiful girl Is like a great work of art She's stylish She's chic And she also is smart For lounging in her boudoir This simple plain pajama Her cloak is trimmed with monkey fur To lend a dash of drama Anyone for tennis? Well, this will make them cringe And you'll knock'em dead at dinner If your gown just drips with fringe You simply can't be too modest At the beach or by the pool And in summertime, it's organdy That'll keep you fresh and cool You'd never guess what loud applause This cunning hat receives And you'd never dream the things That you could hide Within these sleeves A string of pearls with a suit of tweed It's started quite a riot And if you must wear fox to the opera Dame Fashion says, "Dye it" Black is best when you're in court The judge will be impressed But white is right when you're a bride And you want to be well-dressed Beautiful girl For you I've got a passion Beautiful girl You're my queen of fashion I'm in a whirl Over My beautiful girl - That's stupendous! - Thanks. Kathy, come here. This will start a trend in musical pictures. Mr. Simpson's thinking about casting you as Zelda's sister. That's wonderful! Hey, Kathy! That's Kathy Selden. Thanks anyway. It was nice of you. Wait a minute. - That's all right. Before Mr. Lockwood refreshes your memory, you may as well know... ...I'm the girl who hit Miss Lamont with a cake. It was meant for Mr. Lockwood. Goodbye. I'm sorry. I should've told you. Wait a minute. What's this all about? We were gonna use her, but if it'd make you and Lina unhappy... Unhappy? t's wonderful. He's been looking for her! Are you speaking for Lina also? The owner of the Coconut Grove may do what Lina tells him... ...but you're the head of this studio. - Yes, I am. She's hired. Don't let Lina know she's on the lot. Take care of that. Thank you, Mr. Simpson! I'm glad you turned up. We've been looking inside every cake in town. Is it all right for you to be seen with me? You mean, lofty star with humble player? Not exactly. But for lunch, don't you tear a pheasant with Miss Lamont? Look, Kathy. All that stuff about Lina and me is sheer publicity. Oh? Certainly seems more than that... ...from what I've read in all those articles in the fan magazines. Ohh, you read the fan magazines? I pick them up in the beauty parlor or the dentist's office... ...just like anybody. Honest? I buy four or five a month. You buy four or five? To get back to the main point... ...you achieve a kind of intimacy in all your pictures... Did you say all my pictures? Now that I think of it, I've seen eight or nine of them. Eight or nine. It seems to me I remember someone saying: "If you've seen one, you've seen them all." I did say some awful things that night, didn't I? No, I deserved them. Of course, I must admit I was pretty much upset by them. So upset that I haven't been able to think of anything but you ever since. Honest? Honest. Well, I've been pretty upset too. Kathy... Kathy, look, I... Kathy, seeing you again now that I... I'm trying to say something to you, but I... I'm such a ham. I guess I'm not able to without the proper setting. What do you mean? Well... Come here. This is the proper setting. Why, it's just an empty stage. At first glance, yes. But wait a second. A beautiful sunset. Mist from the distant mountains. Colored lights in a garden. Milady is standing on her balcony, in a rose-trellised bower... ...flooded with moonlight. We add 500,000 kilowatts of stardust. A soft summer breeze. And... You sure look lovely in the moonlight. Now that you have the proper setting, can you say it? I'll try. Life was a song You came along I've laid awake the whole night through If I but dared To think you cared This is what I'd say to you You were meant for me And I was meant for you Nature patterned you And when she was done You were all the sweet things Rolled up in one You're like A plaintive melody That never lets me free But I'm content The angels must have sent you And they meant you Just for me But I'm content The angels must have sent you And they meant you Just for me Now... Ta, te, ti, toe, too. No, no, Miss Lamont... ...round tones, round tones. Now let me hear you read your line. "And I can't stan"im." And I can't stand him. "And I can't stan"im." "Can't." Can't. "Can't." Can't! Can't. Can't. Very good. "Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran." "Around the rocks the rugged..." No, no. "Rocks." "Rocks." "Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran." Very good. Hi, Don. - Shall I continue? - Don't mind me. Now. "Sinful Caesar sipped his snifter... ...seized his knees and sneezed." "Sinful Caesar snipped his sifter..." Sipped his snifter. "Sipped his snifter." Oh, thank you. "Sinful Caesar sipped his snifter, seized his knees and sneezed." - Marvelous. - Wonderful. Here is a good one. "Chester chooses chestnuts, cheddar cheese with chewy chives. He chews them and he chooses them. He chooses them and he chews them... ...those chestnuts, cheddar cheese and chives... ...in cheery, charming chunks." - Wonderful! Do another one. - Thank you. "Moses supposes his toeses are roses... ...but Moses supposes erroneously. Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses... ...as Moses supposes his toeses to be." "Moses supposes his toeses are roses... ...but Moses supposes erroneously." "But Moses, he knowses his toes aren't roses... ...as Moses supposes his toeses to be." Moses supposes his toeses are roses... ...but Moses supposes erroneously. A mose is a mose. A rose is a rose. A toes is a toes. Moses supposes his toeses are roses But Moses supposes erroneously Moses, he knowses His toeses aren't roses As Moses supposes his toeses to be Moses supposes his toeses are roses But Moses supposes erroneously For Moses knowses His toeses aren't roses As Moses supposes his toeses to be A rose is a rose Is a rose is a rose is A rose is what Moses Supposes his toes is Couldn't be a lily Or a taffy daffy dilly It's gotta be a rose 'Cause it rhymes with "mose" Moses "A" All right, here we go. - Quiet! Quiet. Roll'em! Oh, Pierre. You shouldn't have come. She's gotta talk into the mike. I can't pick it up. Cut! What's the matter? It's Lina. Look, Lina, don't you remember? I told you. There's a microphone right there... ...in the bush. - Yeah. You have to talk into it. I was talking. Wasn't I, Miss Dinsmore? Yes, my dear. But please remember, round tones. "Pierre, you shouldn't have come." Pierre, you shouldn't have come. That's much better... Hold it a second. Now, Lina, look. Here's the mike. Right here in the bush. Yeah. Now, you talk towards it. The sound goes through the cable to the box. A man records it on a big record in wax... ...but you have to talk into the mike first. In the bush! Now try it again. Gee, this is dumb. She'll get it, Dexter. Don't worry. We're all nervous the first day. Everything will be okay. By the way. You know the scene coming up where I say: "Imperious princess of the night"? I don't like those lines. Is it all right if I say what I always do? "I love you. I love you. I love you." Sure. Any way it's comfortable. But into the bush! Okay. Again! Quiet! Roll'em! Cut! We're missing every other word. You've got to talk into the mike! Well, I can't make love to a bush! All right, all right. We'll have to think of something else. What are you doing? - You're being wired for sound. - What? Watch out for those dentalized D's and T's and those flat A's. Everybody's picking on me. Okay, Lina. Now look at this flower, see? The mike is in there. That's it. The sound will run from it... ...through this wire, onto the record. It'll catch whatever you say. Now let's hear how it sounds, Lina. Okay, quiet! Roll'em! Oh, Pierre, you shouldn't have come. You're flirting with danger. What's that noise? It's picking up her heartbeat. Swell. Cut! That's right. That should do it. Now, don't forget. The mike is on your shoulder. And whatever you say goes through the wire onto the record. Now, please, Lina, talk into the mike. Don't make any quick movements or you might disconnect it. Okay, let's go. - Quiet. Quiet. Roll'em. Oh, Pierre, you shouldn't have come. You're flirting with danger. What's this wire doing here? It's dangerous. You'd better not go in together. Lina's probably waiting right inside the door. - Oh, how I wish... - Don't worry. I'll lead the cheering section in the balcony. Good luck. - Mr. Lockwood. Hello. What's that? The storm outside? It's those pearls, Mr. Simpson. I am the noblest lady of the court, second only to the queen. Yet I am the saddest of mortals in France. What is the matter, milady? I'm so downhearted, Theresa. My father has me betrothed to the Baron de Landsfield... ...and I can't stand him. Oh, but he's such a catch. All the ladies of the court wish they were in your shoes. My heart belongs to another... ...Pierre de Bataille. Ever since I met him, I can't get him out of my mind. Sounds good and loud, huh? Oh, Pierre! You shouldn't have come. You're flirting with danger. They will surely find you out. Your head is much too valuable. She never could remember where the microphone was. 'Tis Cupid himself that called me here... ...and I... ...smitten by his arrow, must fly to your side... ...despite the threats of Madame Guillotine. But the night is full of our enemies. What you hitting him with, a blackjack? Imperious princess of the night... ...I love you. Oh, Pierre. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you! Did somebody get paid for writing that? Sounds like a comedy. - t's a Lockwood-Lamont talkie. - What? This is terrible. What's that? The sound. It's out of synchronization! Tell them to fix it. Yes, sir. What's this? Yvonne? Captured by Rouge Noir of the Purple Terror? Ohh. Oh, my sword! I must fly to her side! Yvonne, Yvonne... ...my own. Pierre will save me. Pierre! Pierre is miles away, you witch. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes. This is a scream. Give me The Jazz Singer. "I love you, I love you, I love you"... - We're all ruined. - You can't release this. We're booked to open in six weeks all over the country. But you're such big stars, we might get by. I never wanna see Lockwood and Lamont again. Wasn't it awful? This is the worst picture ever made. I liked it. Well, take a last look at it. It'll be up for auction in the morning. You're out of your mind. It's Saturday. No bank will foreclose until Monday. - t wasn't so bad. - That's what I told him. There's no use kidding myself. Once they release The Duelling Cavalier, Lockwood and Lamont are through. The picture's a museum piece. I'm a museum piece. Things went wrong with the sound. Get the technical... No, it wasn't that. This is sweet of both of you, but I... Something happened to me tonight. Everything you said about me is true. I'm no actor. I never was. Just a lot of dumb show. I know that now. Well, at least you're taking it lying down. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on that screen? Yeah. How about Lina? Heh. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. I'm through. You're not through. Why, of course not. With your looks, you could drive an ice wagon. - Or shine shoes. - Block hats. - Sell pencils. - Dig ditches. Or go back into vaudeville. Fit as a fiddle and ready for love I could jump over the moon up above Fit as a fiddle and ready for love Too bad I didn't do that in Duelling Cavalier. They might have liked it. - Why don't you? - What? - Make a musical. - A musical? Sure. Make a musical. The new Don Lockwood. He yodels, he jumps about to music. The only trouble is that after Duelling Cavalier... ...nobody'd come to see me jump off the Woolworth Building into a damp rag. Turn The Duelling Cavalier into a musical. - Duelling Cavalier? - Sure. They've got six weeks before it's released. Add songs and dances, trim bad scenes, add new ones. And you got it. Hey, I think it'll work. - Of course! - t's a cinch. It may be crazy, but we'll do it. The Duelling Cavalier is now a musical. - Hot dog! - Hallelujah! Whoopee! Fellas, I feel this is my lucky day, March 23rd. - Your lucky day's the 24th. - What? It's 1:30 already. It's morning! Yes. And what a lovely morning! Good mornin' Good mornin' We've talked the whole night through Good mornin' Good mornin' to you Good mornin' Good mornin' It's great to stay up late Good mornin' Good mornin' to you When the band began to play The stars were shining bright Now the milkman's on his way It's too late to say good night So good mornin' Good mornin' Sunbeams will soon smile through Good mornin' Good mornin' to you And you and you and you Good mornin' Good mornin' We've gabbed the whole night through Good mornin' Good mornin' to you Nothing could be grander Than to be in Louisiana In the mornin' In the mornin' It's great to stay up late Good mornin' Good mornin' to you Might be just as zippy If we was in Mississippi When we left the movie show The future wasn't bright But came the dawn, the show goes on And I don't wanna say good night So say good mornin' Good mornin' Rainbows are shinin' through - Good mornin' - Good mornin' - Bonjour! - Monsieur! - Buenos das! - Muchas fras! - Buon giorno! - A ritorno! - Guten morgen! - Guten morgen! Good mornin' to you Ol! - Toro! - Toro! Hey, we can't make this a musical. What do you mean? Lina. - Lina. - Lina. She can't act, she can't sing and she can't dance. - A triple threat. - Yeah. What's so funny? I'm sorry, I was just thinking. I liked her best when the sound went off and she said: "Yes, yes, yes." "No, no, no." "Yes, yes, yes." "No, no..." Wait a minute. I am just about to be brilliant. Come here, Kathy. Come here. Now, sing. Huh? - said sing. Good mornin' Good mornin' Don, keep your eyes riveted on my face. Good mornin' Good mornin' to you Watch my mouth. Good mornin' Good mornin' It's great to stay up late Good mornin' Good mornin' to you Well, convincing? Enchanting. What? Don't you get it? Use Kathy's voice. Lina moves her mouth and Kathy sings and talks for her. That's wonderful! - couldn't let you do it, Kathy. - Why not? You wouldn't be seen. You'd throw away your career. It has nothing to do with my career. It's only for this picture. The important thing is to save The Duelling Cavalier... ...save Lockwood and Lamont. - Yeah. Well, all right, if it's only for this one picture, but... - You think it'll get by? - Of course. It's simple to work the numbers. Just dance around Lina and teach her how to take a bow. We'll spring it on R.F. In the morning. Don, you're a genius. I'm glad you thought of it. Oh, Cosmo. Good night, Kathy. See you tomorrow. Good night, Don. Take care of that throat. You're a big singing star now, remember? This California dew is just a little heavier than usual. Really? From where I stand, the sun is shining all over the place. I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again I'm laughin' at clouds So dark up above The sun's in my heart And I'm ready for love Let the stormy clouds chase Everyone from the place Come on with the rain I've a smile on my face I'll walk down the lane With a happy refrain Just singin' Singin' in the rain Dancin' in the rain I'm happy again I'm singin' And dancin' in the rain I'm dancin' And singin' In the rain Why, that's wonderful! We'll keep it secret until we're ready to release... ...just in case it doesn't come off. I'm worried about Lina. She doesn't like Miss Selden. There might be fireworks. Lina won't even know she's on the lot. Boys, this is great. The Duelling Cavalier can be saved. Now, let's see. The Duelling Cavalierwith music. The title. The title's not right. We need a musical title. Cosmo? Hey! The Duelling Mammy. No. I've got it. No. The Dancing Cavalier! That's it. The Dancing Cavalier. - Remind me to make you a scriptwriter. - Thanks. Have a cigar. Thanks. Now, what about the story? We need modern musical numbers. We throw a modern section into it. The hero's a hoofer on Broadway. He sings and he dances. One night, backstage, he's reading The Tale of Two Cities. A sandbag hits his head. He dreams he's back during the French Revolution. This way, we get in the modern dancing numbers. But in the dream, we can still use the costumes. Sensational! Cosmo, remind me to give you a raise. - Oh, R.F. - Yes? Give me a raise. He holds her in his arms Would you? He tells her of her charms Would you? They met as you and I And they were only friends But before... ...the story ends He'll kiss her with a sigh Would you? And if the girl were I Would you? And would you dare to say Let's do the same As they I would Would you? And would you dare to say Let's do the same As they I would Would you? Perfect! That Selden girl is great. I'm gonna give her a big buildup. - Swell! - How much is there left to do? - One scene and a number. - What number? It's a new one. It's for the modern part. It's called "Broadway Melody." It's the story of a young hoofer who comes to New York. First, we set the stage with a song. It goes like this. Don't bring a frown to old Broadway You gotta clown on Broadway Your troubles there They're out of style For Broadway always wears a smile A million lights They flicker there A million hearts beat quicker there No skies of gray On that Great White Way That's the Broadway Melody Gotta dance Shh. Gotta dance Gotta dance, gotta dance Broadway rhythm It's got me Everybody dance Broadway rhythm It's got me Everybody dance Out on that Gay White Way And each merry caf Orchestras play Taking your breath away Broadway rhythm It's got me Everybody sing and dance Oh, that Broadway rhythm When I hear that happy beat Feel like dancin' down the street To that Broadway rhythm Writhing, beating Rhythm Gotta dance When I hear that happy beat Feel like dancin' down the street When I hear that happy beat Feel like dancin' down the street Gotta dance Gotta dance Gotta dance Gotta dance That's the Broadway Melody That's the idea. What do you think of it? I can't visualize it. I'll have to see it on film first. - On film, it'll be better yet. - Don't forget. Have Selden re-record all of Lina's dialogue. - t's all set up. - And remember... ...don't let Lina know about it. All set in there? Right. Nothing can keep us apart. Our love will last till the stars turn cold. All right, Kathy. Go ahead. Nothing can keep us apart. Our love will last till the stars turn cold. That's great! Perfect. Cut. Till the stars turn cold. Oh, Kathy, I love you. I can't wait till this picture's finished. No more secrecy. I'm gonna let Lina and everyone know. Your fans will be bitterly disappointed. From now on, there's only one fan I'm worried about. There! - What did I tell you? - Thanks, Zelda. You're a real pal. I want that girl off the lot at once! She ain't gonna be my voice. Zelda told me everything. - Thanks, Zelda. You're a real pal. - Anytime, Don. Look, Don and I... Don! Don't you dare call him Don! I was calling him Don before you were born. I mean... You were kissing him! I was kissing her. I happen to be in love with her. That's ridiculous! Everybody knows you're in love with me. Ha, ha. Now look, Lina. Try and understand this. I'm going to marry her. Silly boy. She ain't the marrying kind. She's a flirt trying to get ahead by using you. Well, I'll put a stop to that! I'm gonna go up and see R.F. Right now! A little late. The picture's finished. If she weren't in it, you'd be finished too. As far as I can see, she's the only one who's finished. Who'll hear of her? Everybody. Why do you think Zelda's in such a sweat? Kathy nearly stole the picture from her. She's only doing you a favor in The Dancing Cavalier. And she's getting full screen credit for it too. It'll say on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself? Of course. What do you think? - They can't do that. - t's already done. There's a whole publicity campaign planned. Publicity? They can't make a fool out of me. They can't make a laughingstock out of Lina Lamont. What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why, I make more money... ...than Calvin Coolidge... ...put together! "Monumental Pictures enthusiastic over Lina's singing and dancing." I never said that. "Premiere tomorrow night to reveal Lina Lamont, big musical talent." You can't pull a switch like this on the publicity department. We were prepared for the Selden campaign. Now you do this. At least keep us informed. Wait a minute. I don't know anything about this. What are we gonna do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You wouldn't wanna call the papers and say Lina Lamont... ...is a big fat liar. Did you send this stuff out? I gave an exclusive story to every paper in town. You'll never get away with it. Call the papers. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Don't tell me what to do, Lina. What do you think I am, dumb or something? I had my lawyer go over my contract. Contract? And I control my publicity, not you. - Yeah? - Yeah. The studio is responsible for every word printed about me. If I don't like it, I can sue. What? I can sue. If you tell the papers about Kathy Selden... ...it would be "detrimental and deleterious" to my career. I could sue you for the whole studio. - That's a lot of nonsense. - Says so. Right here. Contract dated June 8, 1925, paragraph 34, subdivision letter A. "The party of the first part..." - That's me. - You win, Lina. We better take Kathy's credit card off the screen. All right, go ahead. Let's just get this premiere over with. Satisfied? There's just one little thing more. You want me to change the name of the studio to Lamont Pictures, Inc? R.F., you're cute. Now, I was just thinking. You've given her a part in Zelda's picture... ...and you'll give her a bigger one in the next. So, what? If she's done such a grand job doubling for my voice... ...don't you think she ought to go on doing just that? - And nothing else. - You're out of your mind. I'm still more important to the studio than she is. I wouldn't do that to her in a million years. You'd take her career away. People don't do things like that. People? I ain't people. I am a... "A shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament." It says so... ...right there. Oh, Pierre, Pierre, my darling. At last, I've found you. Oh, Pierre. Pierre, you're hurt. Speak to me, speak to me. I'll kiss her with a sigh Would you? And if the girl were I Would you? Oh, Pierre, hold me in your arms always. Lockwood's a sensation. Yes, but Lamont! What a voice! Isn't she marvelous? - t's going over wonderfully, isn't it? - Yeah. Our love will last till the stars turn cold. And would you dare to say Let's do the same as they I would Would you? R.F., it's a real smash. - Congratulations. We owe you a lot. - Thank you. - Kathy, we made it! - t's a miracle! It's great, Don. Just great. You were fabulous. You sang as well as Kathy Selden. And I'm gonna for a long time. What do you mean? I mean she's gonna go right on singing for me. Listen, Lina. I thought something was cooking beneath those bleached curls. Kathy has her own career. She only did this for this picture. That's what you think. Come on, come on. - Lina's getting carried away. - Yeah, she is. Listen, you boa constrictor. Don't get any fancy ideas about the future. Tell her! Never mind, R. F! Listen to that applause. Wait till the money rolls in. You won't give all that up because a nobody don't wanna be my voice. She's got something. It's a gold mine. Part of that choice is mine. And I just won't do it. You've got a five-year contract. You'll do what R.F. Says. What's the matter? Why don't you tell her off? I'm confused. This thing is so big... - They're tearing the house apart. - Take a curtain call. I once gave you a cigar. Can I have it back? Listen! 'm an avalanche! Selden, you're stuck. If this happens, get a new boy. I won't stand for it. Who needs you? They'd come to see me if I played opposite a monkey! Don's a smash too. I'll say a few words. I'm still running the studio. I'm not so sure! You're Mr. Producer, always running things, running me. From now on, as far as I'm concerned, I'm running things. - Lina Lamont Pictures, Inc., huh? - Yeah. You've gone a little too far. - They're yelling for a speech. - A speech? Yeah, everybody's always making speeches for me. Tonight, I'm gonna do my own talking. I'm gonna make the speech! No, please! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is Lina's big night and she's entitled to do the talking. - Right? - Right. Ladies and gentlemen. I can't tell you... ...how thrilled we are at your reception... ...for The Dancing Cavalier, our first musical picture together. If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives... ...it makes us feel as though our hard work... ...ain't been in vain for nothing. Bless you all. She didn't sound that way in the picture. Cut the talk, Lina. Sing! Sing us a song, Lina. Sing to us. Please. Come on, Lina, sing. I got an idea. Come here. Now, listen. What am I gonna do? We've got it. Get a mike set up back of that curtain. Kathy, come here. Kathy will stand back of there and sing. She'll be back of the curtain singing, and I'll be in front... - Like in the picture? - Right. You've gotta do it. This is too big. She's got a five-year contract with me. Get over to that mike. You heard him, Kathy. Now do it! I'll do it, Don. But I never want to see you again... ...on or off the screen. Now, come on, Lina. What are you gonna sing? "Singin' in the Rain." In what key? A- flat. A- flat. In A-flat. I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again I'm laughin' at clouds So dark up above The sun's in my heart And I'm ready for love Let the stormy clouds chase Everyone from the place Come on with the rain I've a smile on my face I'll walk down the lane With a happy refrain And singin' Just singin' in the rain I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again I'm laughin' at clouds So dark up above The sun's in my heart And I'm ready for love Let the stormy clouds chase Stop that girl! That girl running up the aisle! Stop her! That's the girl whose voice you heard and loved. She's the real star of the picture, Kathy Selden! Kathy. You are My lucky star I saw you From afar Two lovely eyes At me they were gleaming Beaming I was starstruck You're all My lucky charms I'm lucky In your arms You've opened heaven's portal Here on earth for this poor mortal You Are my Lucky star Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=singin-in-the-rain
Murder by Death
-Do you think they'll come, sir? -They'll come, all right. Here. Stamp those and mail them. It's ringing. Would you walk Myron the other way? My leg looks like a tree in this fog. Come on. What a godforsaken spot to get lost. It's true. I saw a much better spot a few miles back. Hello? Good. Tell them we're lost. -The phone's dead. -Why'd you say " hello"? -I could've sworn-- -What? -Sounded like somebody snipped the wire. -Really? What did it sound like? Snip. -Some fog, eh, Pop? -I've already heard the weather report. Drive, please. It's as thick as pea soup. Not a soul around for miles. Know what l think? Perfect place for a murder. Conversation like television set on honeymoon: Unnecessary. Where are we going, anyway, Pop? Who is this Mr. Twain? What'd he mean, "dinner and a murder"? Questions like athlete's foot: After a while, very irritating. To stop car, please. -What's wrong? -Stop car, please. To shut engine off, please. Listen. I don't hear nothing. What do you hear? -Double negative and dog. -So it's a dog. So what? If not mistaken... ...dog belong to Mr. Dick Charleston. -Who's Dick Charleston? -I am. You don't happen to have seen a little white-- Wang! A white Wang? Sidney Wang! What are you doing in this godforsaken spot? No doubt, same as you. Looking for bridge that lead to home of host, Mr. Lionel Twain. You too, huh? Must be important to invite two such detectives. Excuse, please, to introduce Japanese son, Willie. Japanese? But l thought-- Mrs. Wang and l couldn't have children. Willie: adopted number three son. Careful on this road. It's treacherous. Treacherous road like fresh mushroom. Must always-- Idiot! Not finish mushroom story. You're idiot! Sorry, but l see nothing. This fog's as thick as bouillabaisse. -Nuts! -I beg your pardon? Nuts, nuts! There are no nuts in my chocolate! You let that imbecile in the shop give you raisins. He didn't have any nuts. -The man in the shop? -That's the reason l took the raisins. Never mind. We'll soon be there for dinner. Hot soup. Something is not right in all of this, huh? I can feel it in my bones. -In your what? -In my bones. Buns? You have buns? You bought buns and didn't tell me? -Where are the buns? -No, monsieur. The bones in my body. You shouldn't speak with an accent when you know l'm hungry. If you ask me, Sam, this is a wild goose chase. -Nobody asked you. -Yes, they did. You asked me back there if l thought-- That was then. This is now. Nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way it is, whether we like it or not. Sam, l really worry about you sometimes. Cut the malarkey. This trip is strictly business. -What do you got on Twain? -He was born in San Francisco in . His mother was Catholic, father an Orthodox Jew. They separated two hours after the marriage. -Any children? -Yeah, one daughter, . Her name's lrene, but she goes by Rita. Just like a dame. Don't stop, angel. You're doing fine. He was arrested in for selling pornographic bibles. Charges were dropped when the church didn't turn over the bibles. There's nothing on him until ' when he was picked up in EI Paso... ...for smuggling a truckload of rich, white Americans... ...into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the state hospital for mental observation. I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel. Anything else? Yeah. Get this, Sam. Twain has one interesting physical characteristic. He has no pinkies. No pinkies? Twain's only got eight fingers? No, no. He's got . He just doesn't have any pinkies. -You did your homework good. -Thanks. -Where'd you dig that up? -I wrote Twain and asked. Good thinking. -What's the matter? -Wouldn't you know, out of gas. I saw a station about five miles back, Sam. I want you to know l'm gonna be waiting for you, baby. Here's the bridge, Pop. Doesn't look safe to me. One way to find out. Drive across. Aren't you gonna come with me? Weight of two men may be too much for bridge. Then why do l get to drive? Because l smart enough to get out first. I'm not gonna make it. It's gonna collapse. Not worry. Father find other way to house. I made it, Pop! l made it! Good! Good! Now come back and get adopted father. Look at invitation. What number of house? -Two-two.... -Correct. - Twain's house. Continue. -Did you see that? -No. Neither did l. Stop! Do not move. Something's wrong here. -What is it? -Do not ask questions. Do as l say. When l tell you jump, you jump. One, two, three... ...jump! Holy Shanghai! Nice counting. But how'd you know? Look on ground. Even had correct shoe size. Someone gone great trouble... ...to make welcome guests not so welcome. Ring bell, please. Are you nuts? Someone's trying to kill us. Yes. Should make exciting weekend. Ring, please. I wish it was Monday morning. Well, here goes. They're killing someone in there! -Calm yourself. -Didn't you hear her scream? No. You heard scream. More experienced ear heard doorbell. Listen again. Mr. Twain has macabre sense of humour, yeah? Good evening. We have been expecting you. But in what condition? Roof in need of repair. Indeed. I'm afraid the house is falling apart. -May we come in, please? -I'm sorry. I thought you were in. You are Mr. and Mrs. Charleston? Not quite. I am lnspector Wang of Catalina, please. This adopted son, Willie. I trust you had a pleasant journey despite the storm? Strange weather. Storm only outside when inside. That. That's just one of Mr. Twain's little toys. An electronic device. Mr. Twain, as you will soon discover... ...prefers his atmosphere murky. -May l have your bags, sir? -No, no. Son will get bags. That is why l adopted him. Very good, sir. One moment, please, while l close the door. Now, if you will follow me, l will show you to your room. Very large house. No other servants? I'm not sure. I've never seen anyone. Mr. Twain asked me to see that you're made comfortable... ...and to say he'll join you after dinner. After dinner? Host not have dinner with guests? No. Mr. Twain prefers to eat out. -Wait, please. What that? -That? lt's nothing. Just the cat. That cat? You feed cat dog food? I'm afraid he's a very angry cat, sir. Mr. Twain had him fixed, and he didn't want to be. Big house, huh, Pop? Big house like man married to fat woman: Hard to get around. Here we are. I'm sure you'll find this suitable. -It's a cold house. -I've taken care of that. You'll find a nice, cosy fire in your room. It's a bit smoky, sir. I'm afraid that fireplace hasn't been used in years. -At least the bed will be warm. -If you wish anything, please ring. -Where buzzer? -It's behind the bed, sir, there. Dinner will be at : ... ...and Mr. Twain likes his guests to dress. The doorbell. Excuse me. Wow! What a creepy guy. Why would anyone want to hire a blind butler? For one thing, very cheap. How butler know how much he get paid? Drink this. You'll feel better. If Myron hadn't barked, we'd have missed the statue falling. It wasn't meant to kill. It's a warning. Somebody's trying to frighten us. Why? Whatever his reason, he's doing well. -Why hasn't anybody answered? -Don't ring it! Knock, don't ring. I won't, l promise. -What is it now, Myron? -Up there, Dora. Look. -A blind butler. -Don't let him park the car, Dickie. Good evening. We have been expecting you. We let ourselves in. Dick and Dora Charleston. Good evening. We have been expecting you. Your room is ready, if you'll just follow me, please. Don't mind him. It's just the cat. -We left our luggage in the trunk. -I'll get it later... ...when l park the car. -Was that Mr. Wang's car out front? -Yes. They're resting in their room. I've put you in the same wing as Mr. Wang. Isn't that nice? We're in Wang's wing. Not many people come to the manor these days. It's nice to hear guests again. -Thanks. You are? -Bensonmum. Thank you, Benson. Bensonmum. My name is Bensonmum. -Bensonmum? -Yes, sir. Jamesir Bensonmum. -Jamesir? -Yes, sir. -Jamesir Bensonmum? -Yes, sir. -How odd. -My father's name, sir. What was your father's name? -Howard Bensonmum. -Howard Bensonmum? Leave it. I've had enough. Here we are. The late Mrs. Twain's room. She died in here. -Oh, dear. -Died of what? She murdered herself in her sleep, sir. -You mean suicide? -Oh, no. It was murder, all right. Mrs. Twain hated herself. We keep this room locked. -Why is that? -Mr. Twain loved her very much. He's kept her room just as it was the night she choked herself... ...nine years ago. Madam loved it here. She said it was the cheeriest room in the house. -The doorbell. -That was Mrs. Charleston. -I thought she was here. -I am. I will not stay in this filthy room. Very well, madam. I'll attend to it during dinner. -Thank you, Benson, sir. -Mum! -What? -Bensonmum. Ma'am. Baking flour. -What? -This dust is baking flour. And these cobwebs-- Candied sugar. All placed here for the purpose of frightening us. And that mouse-- Obviously a mechanical toy. -Silly. -What is? I am. It's real. -Stop the car. We're here. -That's why l stopped. -Open my door. -You have chocolate on your face. The candy bar's on your face. -Imbecile, that's my moustache! -Lick it and see. Wipe it off. My hands are sticky. Hold still, please. Sloppy. All in good time. Yes? Who's there? Who's there, l say? Filthy neighbourhood. Didn't l say "jump"? " Un, deux, trois, jump." Why don't you listen? -Leave me alone. -Sloppy. Who are you? You must be the new kitchen maid. I hope you can cook. Answer me. Speak up. What's that? l can't hear you. A little shy, are you? Never mind. There will be for dinner. Here is the menu. Is that understood? And dinner will be at : . When l want you, that bell on the wall will ring three times. All right. Get to work. Operator. I am saying, " Hello, hello." -It's dead, sir. -What? Who is? Who are you? The butler, sir. The butler, eh? l thought as much. That phone has been out of order for the past week, sir. Is that a fact? And l say that this wire has been snipped not one hour ago... ...as you can plainly see. What is your name? Your little jest escapes me. I am Monsieur Milo Perrier. He was injured by a falling gargoyle... ...while standing in Chinese footprints. We rang, a woman screamed... ...a mouse ran through the door. As you can plainly see, l miss nothing. Since we can't call a doctor... ...l will need a cold compress and hot chocolate, n'est-ce pas? We don't have n'est-ce pas, sir. Just Hershey's. I'll call the maid. I'll fetch it for you myself, sir. In the meantime, if you'll be good enough to follow me to your room. Get up. Get up. There's something about him l do not trust. Notice how his eyes never look at you. He's blind, monsieur. Nonsense. There's the house now. -What's the matter? -My feet are killing me. Why didn't you tell me we needed oil before l went back for gas? I gave you $ and the gas was $ . . Maybe you'd come back. Maybe not. I couldn't risk it. -Don't you trust me, Sam? -Trust you? The last time that l trusted a dame was in Paris in . She said she was going to get wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France. I'm sorry, Sam. Sorry nothing. Give me my change. Dinner will be at : . I'll have the maid bring your chocolate. -One moment, my good man. -Sir? Thank you. That will be all. He's blind, all right. Those were my funniest faces. It's not exactly the Copacabana, is it? I don't feel good about this. Maybe tonight your luck runs out. Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us. If tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart. -First, kiss me, Sam. -I don't kiss. Just this once, Sam. I don't like kissing. Now leave me alone. My God! -He's dead! -I beg your pardon? Sam Diamond is lying out there. He's been crushed to death. I'm going to faint. Catch me. Madam. Madam, where are you? Hold it right there. Freeze, blinky! Get your hands up. Turn your face to the wall. All right, angel. You can get up now. Turn around, Jeeves. Your concrete Christmas present came two seconds early, no thanks to you. I apologize for any unfortunate mishap, sir. -May l put my hands down? -Don't test your luck, Shakespeare. I got your invitation to dinner... ...but l didn't realize l'd be the main course. I had a kid brother who got it the same way... ...working on a case like this two years ago. That boy would've been on Tuesday. For two cents, l'd take this-- Get him away from me! Get him away. Get him away before l stuff him like a tiger trophy... ...his limey pals like to hang up on saloon walls. Please. He has a dreadful temper, hasn't he? : time for dinner. Is everything ready? I don't smell anything. Very light on the seasoning, are you? Put the soup in a tureen and keep the squabs on low. I'll serve cocktails. When you hear the bell, bring out the chilled asparagus... ...and turn up the flame on the squabs. Have you got that? You didn't tell me how l look. No different than always-- Ravishing. -Do you love and adore me? -I love and adore you. -You have the best tush in high society. -Years of horseback riding. Getting to bottom of things? -Ah, Wang. You remember-- -Of course. -Nice to see you, Ah Wang. -Always a pleasure. What a beautiful gown. Tell me where you got it. This? This an old dress. Had it for years. Please to meet adopted son, Willie. East meets West in a most bizarre setting. I didn't know you were invited. You know Wang. I had the pleasure of dining in Shanghai... ...many years ago with lnspector Wang. You remember. Yes. You had " hong ching chu" and l had " kow dung woo fong." My wife, Dora. Inspector Perrier. I'm sorry. Our room is so dusty. My fault. I should have blown first. May l present my secrétaire and chauffeur Marcel Cassette. -Recovered from your accident, Marcel? -But how did you know? From the way you bend. Your right side smashed in by a Citroën. I detected a slight metallic sound... ...so l think you have an artificial hip. Steel? Aluminum. You're as quick as ever, Charleston. And you, Charleston... ...did not approve of Mrs. Charleston dying hair blond? I beg your pardon? Mrs. Charleston hair red. You have blond hairs on shoulder. That means she has dyed red hair to blond then back again to red. Or else you have been-- So sorry. Wang is wrong. Shall we go to dinner, please? -Boy, Pop, you sure put your-- -Shut Japanese mouth. It must be ghastly to have a hip removed. -Does it hurt? -Only in damp weather. -Are you all right? -Pay no attention. You'll spoil him. Get up. Get up. -As l was saying, Mr. Charleston-- -Hey, Pop. A treacherous road like fresh mushrooms-- I know. Dog stick tongue out of picture. Treacherous road like fresh mushrooms. He's a charming fellow. African death mask. Died in some tribal ritual. Wonder where others are. Others? What others? Invitation to dinner and murder finally clear to Wang... ...with appearance of Monsieur Perrier. It's obvious that the world's greatest detectives were invited. Five of us, darling. Three are here. Two have not yet arrived. -Miss Jessie Marbles of England. -And-- Sam Diamond of San Francisco. I know who you all are. The lady in the dress is my secretary and mistress, Tess Skeffington. -Sam, don't. -I'm sorry, sweetheart. She doesn't like it when l'm brutally honest. Then again, we're all in a brutal business. Never considered murder to be business, Mr. Diamond. Is that right, Mr. Wang? Maybe not for you, since you put your money in vegetables in the late ' s. Our friends don't know that you own percent... ...of the bean sprouts and the bamboo shoots grown in China. You can imagine how much chicken chow mein... ...goes into his pot each year. -Do l have the figures right? -Right. What does this have to do with anything? Or you, Mr. Perrier. You work both sides of the big drink. Pretty good pickings, solving crimes for barons... ...and putting your fees into Swiss banks. Three trips a year buys a lot of hot chocolate. See here, Diamond-- You see here, Mr. Charleston of New York, Palm Beach and Beverly Hills. Crime's a hobby to you, isn't it? It's a game to wile away the time while you wait for room service... ...while your wife's dough buys martinis and your $ suits. That's nice, when all you gotta do... ...is give your wife a grab now and then and take the dog for a leak. Sorry to shock you, but l never went to finishing school. My school is the streets... ...and the barrel of a revolver is my teacher. I get $ a day in expenses when l can get them, gentlemen. I owe Miss Skeffington three years back pay. Ain't that right? -I don't care about the money. -Neither do l. If one of you would be so kind as to give my friend... ...a glass of cheap white wine, l'm going down to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, l forget to go. Please excuse Sam. He was shot in the head last week. He shouldn't be out of the hospital. -I think he's damned honest. -Dickie, language. Miss Jessica Marbles and nurse. Miss Marbles. So we finally meet. I've admired you ever since l was tiny little detective. Thank you, Mr. Wang. I am Jessica Marbles. This is Miss Withers, my nurse. She's been with me years. I have to take care of the poor dear now. Are you all right, Miss Withers? Do you want your medicine now? She's off. I could use a good, stiff shot, Mr. Charleston. I believe booze, as you call it, is your department. -My pleasure, madam. -Who's the old geezer? Jessie, baby! -You have a bullet hole in your back. -You should see the other guy. Quiet, please. Observe strange sound. My God, it's the face. It's coming from the face. He's going through his final moments. -What could it mean? -It means dinner, sir. We have no gong. Ladies and gentlemen, l'd like to make a toast. Our host, Mr. Lionel Twain, is indeed a most unique man. One: He's succeeded in gathering... ...the world's greatest detectives... ...to investigate a crime not yet committed. Two: He's set traps for us: A bridge that almost collapses, falling statues. Does he mean to kill us? Not yet. He could've done that at any time. He's merely trying to whet our appetites for the game. Three: Why five detectives instead of one? Because he intends to take us all on... ...a feat that no criminal mind has yet attempted. Before this hellish weekend begins... ...l propose that we toast... ...to either a most beguiling and charming man... ...or to an insidious, fiendish madman. -Bottoms up. -One moment. Point four: Wine poisoned. An ancient, tasteless, colourless and odourless Oriental herb... ...that kills instantly. Observe, please. Great Scott, Mr. Wang. You saved our lives. Not quite, Mrs. Charleston. Bon appétit. Since Wang was the one who could detect poison, only he was tested. Point five: Mr. Twain is both beguiling and fiendish. -Get a doctor, quick. -No, no. It's all right. My wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year. Good work, Mr. Wang. We must all be on our guard through every course of the meal. You're all forgetting one thing. This makes the butler suspicious. He poured the wine. How would he know which one to serve the poisoned glass to? That's very simple. Blind people have a very keen sense of smell. Since we're Anglo-Saxon and Mr. Wang's son is Japanese... ...it wouldn't be hard to sniff out the Chinaman. See here. That's a tacky thing to say. It's a tacky world, Mr. Charleston. -Isn't that right, angel? -That's right. Quiet, please. Butler approaches. I apologize. I'm having communication problems with the cook. Who poured the wine? Mr. Twain, sir. It was left for me in the refrigerator. I was told to give Mr. Wang the glass with the sticky stem. And you didn't ask why? I was lucky to find the refrigerator. -If l may serve the soup now? -By all means. Yes, l'm famished. One moment. -Where is the soup? -In your dish, sir. There is nothing in my dish but my dish. -I don't understand, sir. -Here, take the spoon. Taste it for yourself. I see what you mean, sir. If you'll excuse me, l'd better have a little talk with the cook. Murder by starvation. Maybe that's his game. -What do you think? -I don't know. Ask the moose. He's been watching since we came in. Ten people for dinner, and l'm serving them hot nothing! You can't get good help today. You're fired, you understand? Fired! I want you out, do you hear? Out! And stay out. Something just occurred to me. -The seating's all wrong. -How so? -I'm sitting next to Dora. -So what? -She's your wife. -Exactly. The husband's never seated next to the wife. I should be on the opposite side. Will you trade? -Now, Mr. Charleston? -Now, Mr. Wang. Another test that could have cost us our lives. Saved only by the fact that l am well-bred. Lucky it wasn't me. I'd have been chopped liver. Silence, please. Do not panic. No person move from place. Someone just came in. I hear footsteps. Wait! Quiet, everyone! -I smell something. -What is it? Good God! Franks and beans! I'm afraid that's all we have, sir. You know how l get when you touch me there. My hands are in my pockets. -They're my pockets. -Sorry. Dickie, behave yourself. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, Lionel Twain. Good God, what an entrance! A bit theatrical, Miss Marbles, but l do so love illusion. Please forgive my hat. I'm losing my hair. I thought Twain was an older man, say . Seventy-six to be exact, Mr. Diamond. How do l look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, hours' sleep a night... ...and lots and lots of makeup. -I trust you're all comfortable. -Comfortable, Mr. Twain? Is that what you call poisoned wine and near decapitation? No. I call it inspiration. You haven't explained the mechanical and culinary attempts on our lives. Merely games, Monsieur Perrier. Pitting wits with you, so to speak. Pit your wits with me and you won't have wits to pit with. You're spitting on the nurse. Sorry, old lady. Crazy broad should be in bed. We have been here four hours... ...and there hasn't been a hot dinner or a corpse. -I must therefore bid you adieu. -I bid one adieu as well. No one is leaving this house. What meaning of this, Mr. Twain? I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if you can tell me... ...why one of the most brilliant minds of the century... ...can't say prepositions or articles. "The," Mr. Wang. "What is the meaning of this?" That what l said. What meaning of this? The meaning of this is... ...that l have decided to prove, beyond any doubt... ...that the greatest criminologist in the world is sitting at this table... ...and you are all looking at him. No, don't look at each other! Look at me! l'm the greatest! l'm number one! To me you look like number two. Know what l mean? -What does he mean? -I'll tell you later. It's disgusting. In all your adventures, monsieurs and madames... ...none of you has ever had an unsolved murder. Your reputations exist on this single fact. But what would the world say if the five greatest detectives... ...found themselves trapped in a house, shut off from the world... ...only to discover a dead body... ...stabbed times in the back with a knife... ...and not one of you able to solve the crime? -You mean murder? -We're talking shop. Yes, murder, Mrs. Charleston! On the stroke of midnight... ...someone in this house will be murdered. Left out one small detail, Mr. Twain. Who victim? " ls the." " ls the." "Who is the victim?" That drives me crazy! -Sounds like a short ride to me. -Does it? Well, we shall see who is sane and who is crazy around here. Mr. Wang... ...the victim is here at this table at this very moment... ...and so too, ladies and gentlemen, is the murderer. -Murder-poo? -Yes, dear. We're going to have a lovely murder-poo. Push her wheelchair down the driveway. We got business. -You know who's gonna get it? -Intimately. -And how it'll be committed? -Definitely. And what time murder take place? "The" murder. Precisely. It's not my business, but doesn't that mean you're the murderer? No wives. I refuse to discuss this with wives. All fingers do point to you. Not much of a challenge. Shall l make it more interesting? One million dollars to the one who solves the crime. Wagered against your reputations. One million dollars, tax-free. In addition, the paperback rights and the film sale. It's : amigos... ...just one hour before death strikes someone in this room. See you at midnight. See here, Mr. Twain! -He's gone! -No, he's not. He's down there. Fast little bunny, ain't you? I've never moved, Mr. Diamond. I'm still down there. A stunt with mirrors. Is that so? Willing to risk seven years' bad luck? Try it, Mr. Diamond. It's your funeral, butterball. Wait. Sometimes it doesn't work. You've won this round, Mr. Diamond. My turn comes at midnight. I hope he knows how to stop that thing. Anybody offering a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't happened... ...has lost more upstairs than hair. What do we do? Sit and wait to be butchered? And what has happened to the butler? Why has he not returned? With our dinner? -Go look for him. -No! -No one to leave this room. -Why not? Twain say victim at this table. If we stay together, crime cannot be committed without witnesses. He's right. You're one smart Chinaman. Let's join hands. The chain's stronger if the links are unbroken. Join hands. Stop that. -Stop it, l said. -What is it, Diamond? She's giving my palm the finger, the dirty broad. Naughty, naughty, Miss Withers. -Good God! -What? Look! -What's she doing? -She's screaming. -What's happened? -Something wrong in kitchen. -With our dinner! -Patience. -Is someone there? -Someone with dinner? Cook cannot speak or hear. " l think butler is dead. My name is Yetta. I don't work Thursdays." Ask her if she sleeps in. We'll investigate. Someone must go. Not alone. Mr. Charleston, Mr. Diamond, stay. Miss Marble, Mr. Perrier and Wang, we'll investigate. That's right, just let it all out. Here. Oh, dear. Careful, Wang! Fingerprints. -Where? -Yours. Here, take my handkerchief. -Is he--? -He look like-- Seems like. Touch nothing! Fingerprints. Quite so. Pencil. No pulse. No heartbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead. No signs of foul play. Hold on! What's this? What do you make of this, Perrier? Poison, n'est-ce pas? Not n'est-ce pas. Cocoa. So at last we have our murder. Not quite. Twain say murder victim sitting at our table. Butler not at our table. Butler only killed to divert us from real murder still to come. Look! One of the knives is missing. The butcher's knife, l'll wager. -The others are in danger. -What's exact time? : and seconds. Fifty-seven, fifty-eight-- Tell me when to stop. -- minutes to main murder. Back to dining room. Must all be together at midnight. One moment! Handkerchief. -What is it? -A bill. Everything here has been rented: The butler, the food, the chairs. -You mean--? -Yes. This entire murder has been catered. It's Twain's doing. The man is mad. Mad, yes, but no fool. I only hope we are in time. Door locked. Diamond probably locked it from the inside. Good thinking on Diamond head. Diamond, it's Perrier. It's all right. Open up. Diamond? Charleston? Are you in there? Go back to kitchen, get dining room key from pocket of dead butler. Don't say "dead butler." lt's bad enough l have to reach in his pocket. Holy merde. Miss Skeffington! Miss Skeffington! Miss Withers! -He's gone. -Who? The butler's body is missing. Here's the key. -Where you find key? -In his pocket. -What pocket? -The butler's. -Butler gone, but pocket there? -Exactly. Someone stole him but left his clothes. Open the door. Something is very wrong here. Hello. Where is everyone? Room filled with empty people. I'll try the other door. It's locked from the inside. Both doors locked from inside, yet no way out. I don't like it one bit. I like it, but don't understand. Maybe other way out of room, secret passageway perhaps. Wrong. There are no secret passageways, Mr. Wang. -You spoke? -Not me. I spoke. There! Voice come from cow on wall! Moose! Moose, you imbecile! What have you done with the others, you short madman? Stumped already. Need some clues, Mr. Perrier? I need no clues from you. I find my own, you demented lollipop! Man who argue with cow is like train without wheels. -Soon get nowhere. -I'm sick of fortunes! -Man who's sick of fortune-- -I said l was sick of this! -Quiet, gentlemen, please! -Cow talk again. In need of a hint, Miss Marbles? You all mistake what you assume They never left the dinina room Count the numbers one to Turn the knob and try aaain What does that mean, they never left the room?! -They did. -Do not mistake what you assume. -Back out in hall. -What for? We assume others not here, but cow say they are in dining room. Let us look once more. Please close door, Mr. Perrier. -I can't see what good-- -Quiet. Seven, eight, nine, . Miss Marbles, be so kind as to open door. Where were you? We was worried. Where were you? Here. Didn't you say not to leave? -You have not left this room since? -Certainly not. Answer simple... ...but question very hard. -Where's the butler? -Completely murdered. Poisoned. One of the butcher's knives is missing. We came back here, but the doors were locked. I went to get the key from the butler. His body was gone. He'd been stripped and his clothes left. I don't understand. Why would anyone want to steal a dead, naked body? Well, dear, there are people who-- That's tacky. That's really tacky. Then we returned here... ...opened the door, but the room was empty. You were all gone. The moose had told us not to assume that you'd left the dining room. So we counted to and tried it again. And here you were. I'm not one to use hyperbole, but l'll tell you this. For the first time in my life, l had the ca-ca scared out of me. I like her. I really like her. -Gunshots, monsieur. -Gunshots, Pop. Gunshots, Dickie. This time Charleston and l will go. Everybody else stay here. Let's go. What do you make of all of this, Wang? Is confusing. " lt" ! " lt" is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns! Open the door. -Good God! -What is it? He's back. And au naturel. I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes. Then they steal the clothes and bring the body back. -Who would do that? -Possibly a deranged dry cleaner. What about the gunshots? Why shoot him when he's been poisoned? We heard shots, but l don't see bullet holes. Not on his head or chest. -Look all over him. -All over his body? Somebody has to. I'm standing guard. I'll stand guard. You look. We'll take turns. You look over the first dead naked body, l'll look over the second. Hurry up. We only got eight minutes. See anything? No, l don't see a bullet hole anywhere. -Hold it. I see something. -What is it? Forget it. Not a bullet hole. If he wasn't plugged, what about the shots? -Divide and conquer. -What? Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues, dangles red herrings... ...bedazzles us with banalities... ...while seconds tick away towards the terrible murder. You're good. Not my kind of cop, but smart, and you smell good. You're not a pansy, but what the hell are you? Classy, l suppose. -Dames fall for a guy like you. -I don't see-- Ever make it with a waitress? A waitress. Big, fat waitress. I don't know about society dames... ...but you ain't had it till you made it with a big waitress. If you're ever interested, you give me a call. Bizarre little twit. I'm still not sure about this guy. -What are you doing? -I have to wash-- I'll be out in a minute. I'll go ahead. I'll tell the others. You're never gonna believe this, folks. All right, where are you? What the hell is going on here? Wash up later. We got problems. Locked from the inside. That can only mean one thing... ...and l don't know what it is. You're never gonna believe-- I'll be out in a minute. I don't remember closing that door. What happened? What were the gunshots? Did anybody leave since we were gone? -It happened to you too. -Where's my Dickie? Sorry. Where's my husband? Two minutes to midnight, if anyone is interested. It ain't possible, l say. Eight people in a dining room can't turn into an empty room unless-- -Unless what, Sam? -Unless it never happened. I see your point, Diamond. When is a room with people not a room with people? -When it is two dining rooms. -Exactly! Two dining rooms? Two dining rooms, two everything. Twain electronic genius. He's devised a way to move the room... ...silently, in the flash of an eye... ...to be replaced by an exact duplicate. -I knew it all the time. -Please. I'll demonstrate. I'll walk out the door... ...close it, knock three times, enter, and you will all be gone. Observe. I have it figured out. There are two of everything. Dickie, that's old news. Everybody take their seats. -I'm scared, Sam. Hold me. -Hold yourself. I'm busy. Take the same seats from before. Forty seconds! l'm very worried about Mr. Perrier. I'll look for him. No. Sit, please. No one to leave room. The other door. It's locked. I can't open it. Hurry, man! We have seconds! Move your hand, chauffeur. Don't ask. -Why are you wearing the butler's outfit? -I said don't ask! l don't know. It all happened too quickly. The cook. Where's the cook? -She's gone. -Never spoke. Ten more seconds. Quickly, sit and join hands. Impossible for murder to happen without witnesses. Three...two...one! It's over. We're safe and sound. That's probably the cook. Come in. The poor woman's deaf. I'm sorry. I forgot. Come in! Not sound like cook to me. Mr. Twain. You appear to be wrong. Nobody here murdered. Please to come in. Is he dead? With that in him, in the long run he's better off. -Touch nothing! -Stop that. We're experienced criminologists. I find it insulting and redundant to say "touch nothing." -Quiet, woman. -Up yours, fella. Most amusing. Bickering detectives like making giant lamb stew: -Everything go to pot. -Be quiet! Shut up, all of youse! Nobody move! -Stay where you are! -What is it? I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothing. I'm going too, Sam. I'd rather do this alone, Tess. Thanks anyway. The cook. What, darling? It's obvious. The cook murdered him. The butler's dead. All of us were in this room. No one could get in. That leaves the cook. Right? Wrong. What makes you certain of this? To drive a knife that far up a man's back, you need a strong arm. And this arm don't look that strong to me. -Is that her arm? -It ain't the pussycat's tail. Don't be alarmed, miss. It ain't real. For that matter, neither is the cook. I found this before l got to the can. Got a little surprise for you folks. -Look! -A mannequin! A dummy, perfect in every detail... ...with the exception of not being able to make her speak. Hats off to the man with the shiv in his back. Except that he's dead, he's no dope. Nice going, Sam. I hope you realize that someone in this room is a murderer. For sake of ladies present... ...may we return to drawing room? My son will cover up Mr. Twain. -Why do l do the work? -Your mother not here to do it. Come, please. Excuse me. I'm getting a headache. Isn't there a way to turn off that machine? Maybe some gadget outside the window. It's raining this time. Let's get to business and sort the facts. It is now : Sunday morning. The doors and windows will open at dawn. One of us will be a million dollars richer... ...and one will go to the gas chamber to hang. One, Monsieur Perrier? Why not two? We all have associates. Why not six or eight? l don't trust any of youse. Maybe l'm a patsy set up for a fall, but l'm not falling for youse. Not even me? Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back? Can we get back to case, please? Time is late and my eyes are getting tired. -Thought they always looked like that. -Knock it off! Sorry. This case is getting on my nerves. I'm sorry, slanty. Thank you. Now then, facts, please, facts. Mr. Twain predicts murder. Predicts victim to be at table, correct? Correct. This is official. Correct. Predicts murder to take place at midnight and number of stab wounds. How, if he not in collaboration with murderer? -What if Twain did it himself? -Murdered himself? For what possible reason? And how? The motive is simple: ego. If we weren't to solve this, he'd be the world's best detective. With an ego like his, that he died for it is a small price to pay. Any man who can create this chamber of electronic marvels... ...would be able to devise a machine to stab him in the back times. That was wonderful. I'm so proud. -Let's go to bed, quickly. -One moment. Very interesting theory... ...but you overlook one very important point. -And that is? -It's stupid. It's most stupid theory l ever heard! -Do you have a better one? -Yeah, much better one. You see, l have been doing my homework. For example, l have information... ...that your wife's portfolio of stocks... ...was seriously depleted in financial crisis. In short, you are flat broke. You've been borrowing for two years... ...at % interest from Mr. Lionel Twain. Broke? ls this true? I was saving it for your birthday. One million dollars would buy... ...great many tight suits, would it not? -See here, Wang-- -Dead broke? Almost, darling. I have $ . and some stamps. But l didn't murder Twain. You do believe that? -We'll talk. We'll see. -It could have been any one of you. Each one of us was out of that room at one time... ...giving ample opportunity to commit the crime. As for motives, there's more than ego and cash. For example, revenge. Meaning what, Mr. Charleston? I'm not the only one who's had a past experience with Twain. He was quite a ladies' man in his day. Are you suggesting someone here-- Was once in love with Lionel Twain. He was engaged to and jilted... ...Miss Jessica Marbles. Jesus H. Christ! Jilted years ago at the altar. Left her there in that same tweed outfit. -Is this true, Jessie? -I was not jilted. I walked out on him. He wanted to fool around before the wedding. And being the lady you are, you refused. Not completely. But it got out of hand. He was horrid, but l didn't kill him. That's good enough for me. What about you? I'm not a Frenchy! l'm a Belgy! And as for other motives, how about patricide? The killing of one's own parent? You mean that Lionel Twain was the father of someone in this room? He wasn't my father. He was my uncle. He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when l was about . I'm sorry, Sam. Twenty-six? What kind of a circus was it? Forgive me, but l was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide. Twain may have been your uncle... ...but he was the illegitimate father of... ...Monsieur Sidney Wang! It not true. I was adopted. I have my papers. That is why l have adopted all my children. I was wondering. He loved me very much... ...but he was not very observant. One day when l was he called me to his study... ...noticed for first time l was Oriental, and kicked me out. -I could have-- -Killed him, Wang? As easily as you, Monsieur Perrier. Lionel Twain killed the only thing you ever loved: Marie-Louise Cartier. Your sweetheart? My poodle. He was a most cruel man. Monsieur would come to France every season::: ...to hunt poodles. The day they brought... ...her bloodied collar to me, l vowed l would-- -Knock him off? -Yes, gladly, if l had the chance. But l did not. Someone here beat me to it. There's more than one reason that we was invited here. Not only was Twain testing us as detectives... ...but we all have motives for doing him in. Have not yet heard your motive, Mr. Diamond. My motive is unimportant. Let's say that l hated him enough to kill him. You are closed man, Mr. Diamond. You hide many things. Could it be that Mr. Twain discover your secret? I don't know what you're talking about. We know different, do we not, Miss Skeffington? Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar. I was working on a case. Working. Every night for six months? I got bucks a day and expenses. I hate them queeries. Twain... ...had Polaroid pictures of Sam in drag. I was in disguise. Lots of dames go in those joints. I never kissed nobody. I never did nothing to a man that l wouldn't do to a woman. And l didn't kill Twain. Bitch. Most interesting. All had perfect motives for killing Twain. Wonder which one was one who done it. We still have the night to get through. If anyone's going to solve this, l say we get a good night's sleep. And l suggest we all lock our doors. One of us is a mad killer... ...and not to be trusted. Who do you think is the murderer? Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up. What if you don't wake up? Then you did it. Go sleep, please. -Good night, Dad. -Should have adopted pussycat. Should l turn off the steam, Pop? Not steam. Someone just put deadly snake in room. Wake me when it come near bed. I want you to know, Dickie, if you're the murderer... ...l'll still love you. It wouldn't be right for us to make love, but l'd love you. No fear of that, pet. Let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler... ...one host with a knife in his back... ...and one scorpion crawling up our sheets. -Is that what that is? -They can kill instantly. I suggest we don't move. For how long? Quite possibly for the rest of our lives. Good heavens! l know who the murderer is. Solvey-poo? Yes, Miss Withers. The murderer is-- Good God! Gas! I'm sorry. I can't help it. I'm old. No, no. The other kind of gas. The kind that kills. -Sometimes my gas-- -It's seeping in through the vent! It's locked from the outside. Help! Doesn't smell that bad to me. Help! Did l do right, Sam, telling them about the gay bar? Perfect. They took the bait like a dumb halibut. Let them think l'm a pansy. While they're suspecting me, one of them will let his pants down. Why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office? Suspects. Always looking for suspects. What's that ticking sound l hear? "That ticking sound is a bomb that will go off in seconds. -Signed, the murderer." -The door! " P.S. The door is locked." I'm sorry about this, Tess. -Me owing you all that money too. -That's all right. What will we do? I got an idea. I don't know if this will work. Turn around! -I'm turned. -Whatever you do, don't turn back. -If anything-- -Do as l say. -I will, Sam. -Good. Because l think l'm gonna cry. -What are you doing in my bed? -There's no place to sleep. Sleep in the car, you chauffeur. Unfair. I will tell everyone you wear a toupee. -They already know. -Why do you wear it? I didn't know you knew. Certainly l know. It's a terrible toupee. A bomb. Across the hall. Quickly, the door! It's locked from the outside. You look taller to me. Why is that? Monsieur, l'm not getting taller. If you aren't getting taller, there's one alternative. The room is getting shorter! The ceiling is coming down! -What'll we do? -I don't know! But this is exactly how they make goose liver pâté. Not so fast, please. Do not cross out Wang name. Cross out "snake" instead. Nice shot, Pop. Sure wish you weren't such a heavy sleeper. And now... ...if you please. One million dollars... ...Mr. Bensonmum. Banzai, Pop! Very clever of you, Mr. Wang. Oh, yes. As you can see, l can see. So l see. Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me? Went back to theory seldom used today: Butler did it. I hadn't thought of that. How do you account for my dead body? Body made of plastic, same as plastic cook. While we examine plastic butler... ...you murder Lionel Twain. You're a clever little laundry man, Mr. Wang. But not quite clever enough! I'll take that one million dollars, Bensonmum... ...alias lrving Goldman. Irving Goldman? Yes. Irving Goldman was the attorney of the late Lionel Twain. Lionel Twain died five years ago. His body was discovered in Goldman's filing cabinet. Am l correct, Mr. Goldman? Yeah. Correct, Miss Marbles. But how did you escape the poison gas? Quite simple. I covered my mouth... ...and let Miss Withers here breathe in all the gas. -Sicky-poo. -Yes, dear, l know. -The million dollars, please. -I wouldn't, Goldman. Or is it Goldman? Actually, it's Mr. Marvin Metzner. Marvin Metzner? Very good, Mr. Charleston. But how did you know? The bill in the dead butler's hand stating the weekend had been catered. -Only an accountant would keep that. -Get the money and let's go. Goldman died last month while skiing. He jumped feet into a low-flying plane. I can't wait much longer. You've not lost your touch, Mr. Charleston. But how did you elude the deadly scorpion? We didn't. He stung Dora. -We have minutes to reach a doctor. -Explain later. We'll make it. Never fear. The prize money. Belongs to me, monsieur. Marcel, being one of the world's strongest men... ...stopped your ceiling from crushing us at four feet, five inches. It may be months before we're able to straighten again... ...but a million dollars will buy a lot of back braces. Eh, Miss lrene Twain? Daughter of Lionel! What? I prefer to be called Rita. But how did you know? Never underestimate a Frenchman's nostrils, Miss Twain. At dinner tonight... ...l smelled your Chanel No. . You did away with all of them: Metzner, Goldman and your father. If you had your way... ...you'd do away with all men, would you not, Miss Twain? Men who have made you suffer... ...because you were born with brains... ...talent, money, everything but that which you most desired: Beauty. It is a statement of fact... ...that as a man you are passable, but as a woman... ...you are a dog. That's your opinion, big boy. And now my money, please. With luck, l can still make dinner at Maxim's. I'd just order a tuna sandwich... ...because that dough is mine. That's right, l'm alive. Miss Skeffington dropped your bomb down the john. It blew up as she flushed. The seat missed her head by an inch. I'm all right, J.J. J.J.? That's right, folks. He outsmarted us all. Sitting behind that desk is the real Sam Diamond. My name is Loomis. J.J. Loomis. I'm an actor. I do impressions. I did the Carson show six times last year. Diamond hired me for the weekend. Miss Skeffington is Vilma Norman. She's a cocktail waitress at the Water Bed Motel in Carmel. Diamond hated all of you. You're getting big money, and he had that office in San Francisco. If he proved he was number one, he'd get your clients. But since l put all the pieces together... ...l figure that money belongs to me. Isn't that right, Mr. Diamond? Wrong. That would've been so obvious, a child could have guessed. No, colleagues. What you seem to overlook... ...is the most simple and direct solution. That l am indeed Lionel Twain. You've all been so clever for so long... ...you've forgotten to be humble. You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters at the end that weren't in the book before! You've withheld clues and information... ...that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers... ...are now getting their revenge. When the world learns l've outsmarted you... ...they'll be selling your $ . books for cents. It's checkout time, ladies and gentlemen. I have your bills ready. Credit cards will be accepted. -Even the scorpion was a fake? -Everything. The bridge, the maid. -But you're sure about the scorpion? -Positive. Even the fog. He made that with a dry ice machine. See. How awfully unromantic. Then if he really was Lionel Twain... -...you must really be Sam Diamond. -That's right, baby. I was in disguise, in disguise, in disguise. You work hard for bucks in this racket. I guess that means we won't see each other again. Well, that depends. I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle. -You know how to whistle, don't you? -Certainly. What do you mean? Never mind. Forget it. You ruined it. I don't understand. Was there a murder or wasn't there? Yes. Killed good weekend. Drive, please.
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