DAMMIT
throws laptop out of window
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catches and runs away with it
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throws Windows out of laptop
There! Fixed it for you!
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My ProBook's doing pretty well with receiving updates. Maybe you should grab a cheap one from 2011 and run with it. They're good on durability, and the 14-inch ones aren't heavy. A little thick, but not bad (way more IO than most modern laptops)...