Ok, I'll try to keep this short...
I may have done a stupid thing...I may have uninstalled the Google Play app.
"But wait, just download the APK from the interwebs"
Tried that, it just booted to a white screen before crashing.
I am completely open to suggestions since my phone is pretty much unusable at the moment.
I have an Asus ZenFone 2 ZE551ML if that's of any help
And don't forget, Vote For Turnip